Thanks so much @sassysandg, trauma can make us do some really strange and terrifying things - like cry so many tears or have the emotional pain hurt so bad that indeed, we do feel like we're going to die or that death would be a relieving alternative.
I am lucky to have a person in my life who helps me with this sort of thing. I am frustrated with myself that I am still functionally "broken" but I know I can't dwell on that if I want to get better. I'm glad you found me.
Don't be frustrated with yourself. We are all broken and find ways to patch, heal, break, and patch again. You're a talented writer. My therapist told me there's a lot of healing that happens through the process of writing. I've found my love of writing again as well.