A Short Story

in #writing7 years ago

Hey Steemit! I have an assignment in my writing class. I have to write a short story and I want to see what you guys think before I turn it in. Tell me what you think and if you have any suggestions!
         The Lamb Sauce is Not Located

“Now sweety, I will make you a lamb treat tonight if you can go get me some lamb sauce. I heard that gordon ramsey is the only person that makes perfect lamb sauce. Go to him and ask if you can have some. And before you go remember to look out for evil frogs and obese villains.”
“Ok grandma!”
“Have fun sweety! And be careful. Honomora is a dangerous place. Don’t want to run into Hanzo!”
And with that he was out the door and started heading over to Gordon Ramsey’s house. When he got there he knocked on the door and Gordon himself answered.
“Come on in Gabe! How’s it been, long time no see.”
“It has. I was wondering if I could have some of your lamb sauce, my grandma needs it for cooking.”
“I would, but last night it was all stolen. I do not know who or why someone would steal lamb sauce but It’s all gone.”
“What is that on the ground? It looks like a frog footprint.”
“Did you say frog? Oh no… This could be worse than we thought. This is the work of Big Smoke and his henchman Pepe.”
“Have you dealt with them before?”
“Many times. They have a huge underground lair under capture point A.”
“Makes sense. They put it under the most evil place imaginable.”
They started devising a plan to break to break into Big Smoke’s lair. The plan included diving through lasers, jumping over sharks, diving over laser sharks and jumping through shark lasers. They planned to distract Big Smoke and steal the lamb sauce.

They drove over to the entrance and Gordon entered the secret code. Gabe was feeling nervous, mostly because he doesn't have thumbs. They entered the door that is located inside of a giant bell. Inside the door there was a very small elevator. They zoomed down with a force of 8 Gs for about 20 seconds. They almost fainted and Gordon had a bloody nose. They left the elevator and walked down a long, metallic, dark hallway. They walked for about 5 minutes straight when they finally entered a large metallic auditorium. On the stage there was a large frog sleeping next to an XXXL throne. They heard a loud grumble and hid behind some auditorium seats. They peered over the seats and saw a large man wearing a green button down shirt. It was none other than Big Smoke himself. He sat down in his chair and fell asleep. They looked over once more and saw that he had the sacred lamb sauce in his hand. Gordon sneaked up to him and gently slid it out of his hands. Alarms went off and Big Smoke woke up. Doors shut and hatches opened.
“WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER?!” screams Big Smoke.
“Quick grab this!” Shouted Gordon and tossed the lamb sauce to Gabe. Gabe ran out the door and into a corner. All of a sudden the doors close! SLAM! Lasers appear! SHWOOM! Hatches open! CLANG! Gabe looks into the hall of traps and feels a shiver in his spine. He walks up to the laser and it singes his fur.
“This is not good” He thinks. He is thinking of just staying in there forever. He could never make it through there. Then he remembers. His grandma said something. Something about gabe’s favorite item. TREATS!
He leapt through the lasers, over the hatch with sharks beneath and into the elevator. He ran home and felt like he could touch the moon. He ran in the door and gave the sauce to his grandma.
“Oh my… I believe you have a mistake.”
“What do you mean grandma?”
“This is not lamb sauce… It’s steak sauce!”
“CRAP!!!”

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Hah! Pretty good, dude. Now I'm hungry for lamb treats!

The only problem that I noticed was gordon ramsey isn't capitalized in the first paragraph.

Also, after "TREATS!" it wasn't immediately clear that the treats were motivating him to risk jumping the lasers. Maybe mention the hunger in is belly or the tempting power of lamb treats motivating Gabe to make his escape?

Ok. Good idea

Then he remembers. His grandma said something. Something about gabe’s favorite item. TREATS!

You should tell us what his grandma said. Or did she just say the word treats?
Also you might want to add a picture for the steemit post. :)