The Best Fuck You - Part 3

Wake up, Wake up!

There you are.

Whew, I’d thought I lost another. Wouldn’t that be a tragedy? For God’s sakes, I’d be stuck with all these days of useless memories masturbating. Brother, you gotta start using lube or you’re going to lose sensitivity. Stand up.

We are one now, brother and I understand why it is you don’t know exactly why you’re here. I see your “plans” if that’s really what you want to call them. Though, I think it’s a bit much. That’s sort of like calling mayonnaise a sandwich or a footjob sex or a cat a roommate or a guitar an axe. You see what I mean?

Come, there is more to be seen. Much more in fact; days and weeks of scouring through these shelves unless you maybe had some ideas come to surface? No? Well, what you lack is either inspiration or responsibility to your potential. This way. No, down here.

Great!

Watch your step.

Aw, here we are. For lack of a better title we refer to this as the Bigger-Sanctum. It houses all our archetypes of great Fuck Yous, our historical records, our university-lead studies into the science behind a quality Fuck You.

Upon that massive wall there you’ll find a richly detailed report on every atrocity ever committed against humanity during an act of war and on that much larger wall there to the left you’ll find the endless, and suffocatingly dry, unwarranted and demonstrably bitchy demands that make up the United States tax code. I say endless because every month of every year this wall demands more and more space, little changes here and there. Little changes that save big lives, particularly the lives and livelihood of the ones consolidating their place within the Leviathan.

Oooh yes, the Leviathan! Would you like to see the Leviathan? It’s just around this corner, here. We can take a look at the rest of this old junk later.

Yes, here we are. Watch your step. Christ, it’s dark. Is that your leg? It’s a good leg you got there, sturdy, but soft, like a good sheep. Hold it. Stay right there and I’ll finger my way to this damned lever soon enough. I know. I know. No need to be frightened. There we are.

My God the light is blinding. Not to mention these God-damned doors are slow as a sloth’s orgasm, but behold, there she is. Look now. Give audience to every inch of her glory. I know it’s just the bottom half of her really. She is quite tall. No, no, no need to retreat. She hardly moves. You’ll notice there’s no real roof to this, the hell did we end up calling it, the Infinite-Sanctum? No, that can’t be right then why would be in the Bigg—? Eh, fuck it. Titles often mean the opposite.

You’ll notice that the feet are nearly three miles apart. They don’t move much for a giant hominoid lizard so no need to fear going near them. I know it’s hard to see down the middle of this towering silo but if you look up you can just barely see the night sky somewhere around it’s head. I know it is difficult. I promise we’ll get closer. No, it is not night-time, but that is the night sky. I’ll explain later.

Here take this hard hat so no one gets sued or your safety or whatever. There are segways right near the lever here. Don’t worry, these are the good kind. Oops, looks like there’s only one. Don’t be gay, hop on. Two might be a bit cramped for a segway, but we’ll make it work. We’ve got about five miles till we reach the laddevader If you look straight up—Please God don’t lean back like that again—You’ll see that its head is somewhere we cannot see. Our Scientists can’t exactly tell where it stops. Atleast, that’s what they tell us, but a lot of scientists are in it to know what no one else does. There’s a special boner in men for things like that.

God knows what goes on at the top of her. It’s waist and feet fluctuate in size daily. Hey, I know I said you have to know how to let go earlier but letting go would not be so fun for anyone right now. That means don’t fall off and do not give in to the vibrations of the segway. Even though it would technically be masturbation at this point neither of us are in the mood. I am you. You are me. Are you getting this yet? I can watch your loss of virginity in my mind at any time now. I know your social security number and I’ve felt all the pain you felt when you had MRSA in your clinging in to your taint like a camel spider into a goat’s soft belly.

Here we are at the gates of the latest in upward mobility. Just grab on to a bar of the laddevader and hold on for dear life. I want to show you something very special at the great beast’s midsection!

Look at you, all in one piece. Yes, it’s quite a few G’s to move up that violent son of a bitch, but it’s better than the hours, almost days to take stairs or a ladder. Speaking of bitch, did I tell you she died? The bitch down the street? Hypothermia. The client isn’t our customer anymore. He says it got to him, but whatever does that even mean? There’s a Fuck You that’s gotten to all of us. How can anyone fail to see that? Go ahead and sit a little while. Do try to control your nausea. I don’t want to have to call for a custodian.

Here it is, my brother! We are both standing before the biggest, whitest bountiful lips of the largest cloaca to exist on the planet. Behold! Behold! It was centuries ago that I first laid eyes on this ethereal beauty of a shit and genital briefcase right here and in those days I was a tradesman so dutifully I took out my tape measure and ran across this line again and again till I had the perfect measurement. Here on my left forearm you can read the number I permanently carved into my own body so that it could be a part of me. That was before I knew how the giant lizard changed size. That was the day that I was first employed here.

No more sitting. I sense you are feeling about as good as you possibly could. Come along here. Don’t be afraid to touch. You’ll find a light, jello-like resin near the edge, that get’s thicker if you decide to stick your hand within her. Don’t worry, even if you were to throw your whole body into there it would barely tickle her. I’ve gone for a swim there myself, hard to breath and easy to get lost if it wasn’t for those beautiful genitals of hers. I call her a “her,” but when it comes down to it I’m not quite sure what I was looking at when I found those genitals or genitalia. It looked like a million three-knuckled fists holding on to arils like a pomegranate’s, except these arils beat like hearts and expanded like lungs contracting into a brighter glow of a dark blood red and it’s color reacted to my presence. It was the color that invited me to touch her and I nearly reached out my hand to receive her. I would have done it too! But the bossman had me pulled back up. It’s against the employee handbook to become intimate with G—eh, hem, excuse me, the Leviathan. It would have sent me into convulsions both ecstatic and fatal. Men seeking some greater knowledge have done it before, but they always just end up muttering something incomprehensible like “I am every name in history!” Then they squirm a bit and release every fluid imaginable into their pants or skirt.

Would you like to take a dip before we move further? I can come along with you or I can stay here to admire the night sky, though it is faraway. Did I explain why it’s the night you see and not the day? How this whole silo reaches up to space? We can’t breathe beyond a certain point, but I’m not even aloud to go there let alone customers. I’ve only heard stories. Go ahead take a dip. No, I know that you don’t want to. I know better than anyone could know why you don’t want to, I am you, but I am also more. I have many parts of myself including yours and they scream at my bones to make sure that you are compelled to see the great living fruit of these loins.

No, again? Well, I’m afraid there are too many voices that shout over yours. I’m afraid these hearts that beat within me have formed a sort of democracy and your decision has been stricken down by the majority. No, my brother. I am sorry, but it means that it is no longer is your decision. The majority have moved to ask you again to traverse the cloaca. If you refuse they have granted me the permission to use force. Don’t be upset. They’re simply looking out for your livelihood and what you might miss if you were in control of your own decisions. You see, they care about you so they take your ability to make a decision away so that you may make the “right” decision, or, in other words, what is agreed upon by most. Go ahead now. Answer and make sure to say “yes.” It would be so unfortunate to have to incapacitate you, but the decision is out of my hands. The decision is in control of my hands. It’s—Did you hear that? That damned helicopter! Tell me I’m not hearing things. This isn’t the lizard cage creeping into my reality. It can’t be. You hear it too! Good I’m no—That’s no helicopter that’s gunfire!

Look over the edge here! My god they must’ve killed Reuben and they’re coming this way! Look at them! Those militant bastards pouring over sacred lands like this in front of our great cloaca! How dare they! Damn this endless cycle and it’s pinnacle point forming here at this time. We need to travel now and travel fast. Thank God they don’t have segways!

I knew these bastards would be here soon. I’m sorry for you that the time has come today during your visit, but it’s hard to predict these things beyond an ominous soon. This isn’t going to end well. We have to go somewhere employees and customers are normally prohibited to be, somewhere I’ve never been, but the other choice is death. No time for a refreshing cloacal dip! Into the laddevader. I’ll be right behind you. I can lock it after I retrieve the segway so they’ll have to use the stairs, but you have to go first. Who cares? Just go! They can fire at us from down there. We need higher ground! I’ll return I swear. The longer we talk the closer they get to my segway. I am sorry to push you, but you just keep talking and we have to go now!