Thank you very much for the feedback. I appreciate it. This is the first time I write a short story. I used to write articles for a newspaper, but never wrote literature.
The original text was written in a different language, as English is not my first language. It might be worthwhile for me to give it to someone else for translation next time, instead of doing it myself.
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The flaws in grammar are not serious. You can improve your mastery of English; just purchase a reference book such as The Elements of Style, (University of Chicago Press). Alternatively, focus on what you do best, doing it in your native language, and find a GOOD translator. The latter approach will be more effort and expense but will produce the best result. Either way, God bless you and good luck and keep writing real literature that injects humanity into our lives!