Told my secret must be known:
Word I was in the house alone
Somehow had gotten abroad...
Word I was in my life alone,
With no one left but God.
― Robert Frost
Sarah was gone, out of my life forever and I was desolate. I thought for once I could be strong―do the right thing, but I was wrong. I couldn't bear it.
I'd hurt her, or more likely, she'd kill me, but it didn't matter. I thought I remembered our past, but the moment she was gone it all came crashing back in a tsunami that overwhelmed me.
Now I knew what I should have guessed―that you can be in your truth but still experience a lack. Well, this was worse―I was devastated.
I wanted her back but that would be selfish and cause her anguish. And I couldn't bear that.
I felt the powers that hang fated over our lives were tormenting me―taking delight the way malicious boys torture flies mercilessly.
I never dreamt I had another life prior to what I shared with Bethany and Lillian, so why was I tormented with these new memories when they would serve no useful purpose but depress me?
I should be phoning Clare and Nat and Tess to tell them I was free from threat, free to live my life in peace, but I wasn't free. I recovered my memory only to be trapped in another tragedy.
I must have picked up and put down my cell a dozen times wanting to call Sarah, but I knew that would be unwise and simply prolong our misery.
Long goodbyes are just other ways of crossing boundaries and blurring over lines prolonging the inevitable or sustaining the lie that there's a remedy when there is none.
But Sarah said I'm not the kind of guy to blur lines. Funny, for a woman with a firm grip on life, she'd be so far off in her image of me. I just want to stop all the clocks and die because these choices leave me desolate and are too much for me.
The next few days are brutal. I don't shave of go for a jog―I don't do much of anything but sit by the fire with my mental album of memories. Who needs pictures when your mind recalls everything?
The third day there's a knock on the door and I open and stare into Sarah's lovely face.
"You haven't been out in three days, Marcus. I was worried about you."
"Yeah," I lie, "I've been decompressing―the strain and all. I guess it got to me."
"You are such a bad liar," she says and hugs me.
I'm trying really hard not to cry and suppressing it just causes spasms, a wave of dry heaves that can't disguise the way I feel.
She doesn't let go, which makes it worse, and tries to soothe me by whispering it's okay, when we both know it isn't.
Finally, my spasms subside and I grab her by the shoulders, holding her away from me at arms length, so I won't be tempted to kiss her. "Do you want a coffee?"
She nods and follows me back into the kitchen, but as I turn around my resolve crumbles and then she's in my arms and I'm kissing her.
She reaches out and touches my cheek--the one she bruised. "I guess this is going to be harder than we thought."
"Well, you could always slam me up against a wall. That works well at breaking a spell."
"Is that what you want?"
"No," I say, shaking my head," what I want is you, but I have no idea how that's going to work."
My dear friend (Did not want to start this as a 'Dear John' letter....)
I wanted to wish you all the best for 2021 - but our electricity authority switched off our electricity for the day as I started my message to you, so it will arrive a bit late now.
Still, my best wishes are flying to you and I hope they have the effect of influencing life so that you have a more rewarding (emotionally and financially) year.
Next glass of wine either of us has, let us toast each other, for I believe that even if we cannot influence life for the other, by wishing good things for others, our lives become worthier and happier.
Alex
Hey Alex,
I was honestly opening my computer to write to you and another friend is South Africa I'm worried about because of Covid issues there. Happy New Year, my friend. I pray that you prosper and remain in good health through this coming new year.
Ironically. we had our power outage just before dinner on Christmas and it lasted until after 10 pm. It wasn't the best Christmas I'm afraid, but if we have our health and a few good friends we have hope that tomorrow may be bright again.
It's been a depressing year - I can't bear to watch the news with all the sick and dying while Trump plays insane games and ignores the crisis. By spring we should have several vaccines and the return of warm weather will help as well with more people being able to safely enjoy the outdoors.
I promise you I will toast you next glass of wine I have. ( I have champagne and a bottle of Yellow Tail, my favourite Shiraz). Stay safe Alex, the end of this plague is in sight, just persevere a little longer and hopefully by spring things might start looking more normal
It seems I have given you reason to think I fear the virus. I do not, despite my being in the age bracket I am told is most vulnerable - same as I never was afraid of flu (only had the flu a couple of times in my 78 years).
As for all the sick and dying - how many have died this year of flu. i in the USA it was over 40,000 last year, but is ZERO this year. It is not because of any vaccination...as the only friends I have heard of losing family to flu was because their loved one was vaccinated.
As for Trump, I believe in him and my greatest fear is that he will give up and let the Dems steal the election...which means countries all over the world will fall to globalism and the great reset will happen. Have you even tried to honestly examine the many claims and videos showing the fraudulant election, or do you avoid them so as not to have to face the weaknesses in your beliefs?
With the great reset, all you worked for, all you own, it will belong to the Corporate State and you will have to pay rent to stay in your own home. Even the wedding ring your wife wears will belong to the State. In my country, they ae onlyy waiting to see Trump fail before they implement it. For the first time that I know of, many Black SAfricans are in agreement with the Whites and hate what is planned for us.
As for the vaccination...I have made many posts here showing my attitude to it. I have seen what happened to people in Africa who allowed the Gates Foundation to vaccinate them. You deal with theories and I believe from facts in real life. A number of years ago I saw a document made available to a charity I was helping, who were helping abandoned children. It was from the Gates foundation, replying to an application by them, offering to make money available if they agree to the girls all being sterilised.
Is it okay because most of the children were black or were physically impaired? Look at the history of the Gates family - Bill himself says his father helped create the Planned Family abortion group - and there are documents showing his father believed all black and brown-skinned people should be sterilised.
I also have news videos where Gates was challenged about the vaccinations and he said (I can see his lips as he says it, so it is real) he has to continue until the world population is at 'manageable' levels. Do you really think you and your family will be among those he and Soros allows to survive as 'manageable'. If you are allowed, you are happy to survive as serfs?
The truth is, I had big dreams for Mankind. I had hoped we would not only advance in a technologival sense, but that we would also grow wiser. By killing off seven billion, getting rid of Christianity and families so that our loyalty is only to the State, and having bankers and corporate ceos running the world we are going to achieve that? Not a chance in hell!!!
I said a number of times that I do not agree with you but want to stay friends, so I avoided pushing my beliefs on you, as I realised that as a teacher you are part of the group I consider are destroying the youth of today with their so-called socialist indoctrination (not really socialism, as it is fully communist), but I see you chose to have it out and attacked all I believe in, so it is you who forced my response, it was not something I chose.
A pity.
Hey Alex, Our relationship has nothing to do with politics - I just like you and even if I strongly objected to everything you stood for, I'd still befriend you. I was friends with people all my life who were diametrically opposite to everything I believed but that's part of being human. I admit it's hard to listen open- minded to opposing viewpoints but I think what joins us together is stronger than what breaks us apart.
I recently saw an old Law & Order episode that dealt with forced sterilization and it sickened me. I don't think that's the solution to overpopulation. I see the good that Bill Gates does and if what you say is true, I would be disheartened. But sometimes you have to eat the wheat and spit out the weeds if you're going to eat at all.
I'm upset to see the plight of migrants seeking asylum in the USA and the treatment of blacks and innumerable incidents of blacks being murdered by police. I believe Black Lives Matter and I am also sickened by the millions of people who have contracted Covid and died - 85 million cases and 2 million dead. BTW, a decrease in flu is probably the result of people washing hands, keeping distant and wearing masks.
As for socialism, have you considered the effects of unrestricted capitalism? The whole world lives in a mixed economy but in the USA people who get sick and are poor can't pay their medical bills and end up either bankrupt or dead. We have to show some humanity and care for one another.
I don't care if you dismiss me as a North American liberal - all I care about is the greatest good for the greatest number - and I do believe in democracy as our best bet for achieving equality.
I certainly don't want to kill off anybody and am a Christian who believes our highest authority is God, not the State.
BTW, that other good friend of mine also lives in South Africa and I'm aware of many of the challenges you face. I believe in unity on the essentials ( caring for humanity), tolerance for everything else and above all, love and respect for one another.
Yes, I personally believe Trump is an evil narcissist who only cares about himself and I find it almost impossible to listen to his rambling diatribes, but as much as I repect peoples' right to their own beliefs I also believe in objective truth and if 73 million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
So, I hope we can look past our differences, Alex, and focus on where we do agree :)