The other day I turned to John and asked him "John? Do you know that you don't exist?"

He was quite shocked to hear it. "What- What do you mean I don't exist? Do you mean on some deeper level we're all just-"

"No, you specifically don't exist. One of those annoying things in life, finding out you don't exist. If it's any consolation, I'm sorry it had to be broken to you this way."

It was quite an enjoyable experience for me. I got to see how much it pained him, got to enjoy that sweet, sweet suffering.

And then - "What do you mean on some level we're all just-? Are you trying to say that I also don't really exist?"

But it was too late. He was already gone. And there I was, stuck with no way out, no way of understanding how it was possible that I of all people didn't exist.

Why, exactly, did his timing have to be so bad? Couldn't he at least have waited to answer my questions before realizing he didn't exist and vanishing because of the cartoon effect.

Ah, the cartoon effect. One of those pieces of physics modern science has yet to come up with an explanation for.

How exactly is it that when people run off cliffs, they don't fall until they realize that they ran off? And why doesn't everyone just wear blindfolds when they walk around cliffy areas?

Though perhaps they're afraid of what will happen if the cartoon effect wears off. It's one of those things – always been around, seems around to stay, but for some reason we don't believe in it, can't believe in it. We simply insist that it cannot be.

Like the existence of God. Or the necessity of mass murderers.

I really don't understand, it seems people think that there's no reason for either to exist, no place for either in our lives. What they're missing is that if we truly believe, we can accomplish absolutely nothing, because belief on its own is not that powerful.

Not what you were expecting, eh? Does it look like I care?

What? You can't hack my webcam to look upon my godly face, to fear its awe-inspiring countenance?

Yes, my face has its own countenance. Faces are people too, you know.

Or not. Be that as it may, the 'hacking webcam' trick is rather useful, I use it quite a lot. In fact, I'm using it right now to look at you, stare upon you, gaze at your ugly mug in kindly pity and boundless compassion. Well, not quite boundless, but no one could be if they had to stare at that

In any case, there's one thing you should remember –

I'm watching, always watching.

-hyperbole out