It all feels so wrong. That past life hypnosis session was not what I had hoped for. I thought hypnosis was something special that can really show you things you wouldn't have been able to think of yourself, but honestly it didn't. Am I so bad at surrendering or relaxing into guidance? I don't think so. But I thought the images would at least be as clear as dream state. But it was just like normal visualizing. And I felt like was making everything up. And I tried to do what she told me and put my mind aside and just tell every time the first thing that would come up in me. But I could even kind of on the side trace down where the stuff that came up in me came from. Or at least everything would have a certain association. An when I had to die, to cross to the Spirit World I just felt like I could not come up with that. I could not possible go on and just image that. Uhmm... I feel like it was my fault. Or what the fuck is hypnosis then? How can it be my fault? If other people can do it, I should be able to be hypnotized as well. But oh my god, when I think of people who will take suggestions and do stuff under hypnosis, no fucking way she would have been able to do that with me. Which is fine. But I'm not sure if I now know anything about hypnosis and my past life. The past life as a flower was funny though. Ha ha where did that come from?! Just such a clear image of a tulip in a grassy field, not seen from above, but seen from below. Waving in the wind, directed at the sun. And just no thoughts, no emotions... That was quite interesting and wonderful. And then she actually guided me to the spirit world. And it totally felt like unclear stuff that I was making up myself. Little starts around me, I was not even able to distinguish between those different members of my soul group. My mind became wildly resisting at that point. I told her and she guided me to dig into that. Coming at some childhood memories of putting my heels in the sand to not go anywhere. And then another past life of being an ancient Egyptian woman almost being strangled by her partner for having slept with other men. The last past life seemed to be about a black man leaving America by boat to France, being used for sex without consent by the white landlady he worked for, then seeing her give birth to the child that was visibly his. Going away out of fear for her husband that would come back from long travelings. But staying in the same town, working in a shop. Feeling inferior as a black man in a racist town, not able to speak the language well. No talks with the son. But he probably knew as there are not many black people around there. And then when he was 16 he walked into the store, stood right in front of me and looked straight into my eyes for some time. He took of to become a journalist later. The husband of the woman died and I grew old with her in the house with the beautiful garden. And then I died in bed while she was sitting in a chair in the same room. And I just felt like: wow, that was a disappointing boring life. And also: I could have made this totally up and have had a whole different past life. This therapist was an amazing strong, beautiful and wise woman thought. I felt good about her as a person. But the session was... not for me, not giving me answers on the questions she had had me write down before I came there. Hmmm.... I don't even want to do the second session that's on the spirit world stuff. At least, that's what I'm feeling now. I just wan to eat chocolate. God. The end of day 6 of my juice fast now. I feel like I have to do another day just to complete the week. And also it feels super stupid to start eating chocolate after this. Did I juice fast to detox and to afterwards become more prone to eating unhealthy stuff that will put toxins in my body than before??? Because before I felt strong in my veganism, and easy in eating healthy. Oh God but it's also my sister and her boyfriend eating so much chocolate / pizza / gluten bread / candy.... And the kitchen is... I don't want to judge, but let's say it's not my preference. I like to keep things clean and organized. And I like to keep the table clear, so that you can actually use it to eat or work. I like to throw away packaging. At least at the end of the day. And I didn't mind too much for the last weak, as I just used the kitchen to get things for myself to drink. Not even using the blender. Just juice or coconut water from the fridge. Easy. But there's just no space to cook, or sit, or whatever. I feel really negative after the hypnosis experience. I had hoped more of it. I did say to myself before I went there: I'm happy now, so I don't mind if it doesn't work the way I would like it to work. And that's kind of true... and also something feels... irritated. And also just my body feels so cold. After five months of traveling in hot climates, I don't have the clothes for Germany in October. And my sister doesn't like using the heater. I don't like that too much either. And also it might have to do with my body not having eaten anything for 6 days... :') I might end the fast this night and cook the prey, have a light vegetable dinner. Oh my god I'm so dissapointed and surprised that it didn't heal my psoriasis. There were no detox symptoms, and no healing of other diseases either. Not a lot of hunger, also no newly tapped source of energy. Again all this stuff is like: why doesn't life give me gifts that are easily recognizable as gifts? Do I have to puzzle again? Do I have to feel surrender again and just keep looking forward? But I feel so disillusioned after all of this. I was looking forward to this session for more than a month. And now it's just... it was kind of nice. But nothing life changing, nothing eye-opening, nothing that proves to me the information was correct. I don't want to sound so negative... but... it's just the way I feel. Before I went there, and on my way to there, I was feeling so good. Now, just tired and irritated. Sometimes I reread my streams of consciousness, this time, no... thank you. I want to come home in self-love. I just want to wrap myself in a blanket or something and tell myself 'I love you when you're being negative and disillusioned'.
Good read, but it was difficult to keep my place without any paragraph breaks.