It was just the past year; I had every bad thought around the corners, tumbling over each other. A major crisis of understanding in all sectors of my life, family and friends and everyone else who were existing at that point of my life, is what I felt. I was being tightly packed with all the bad decisions that had equal chances of being spilled into reality. As like a depressed malfunctioning child, I wanted to give up on life and that wasn't only because I was saddened by everything around me, I had this unusual urge to take a dive into the world where I didn't exist as a material being. My mind would go blank at every instance, 'cause though I knew that everything I was thinking of were proved to turn out in a badly wrong way in the cases of other people who are just as me, it was like something trying to pull me off the edge to the ground of the abyss where thousands of innocent and wrong people like me fell.
It felt like a shock when I started to sort out all the wrong things I was thinking to do. My thoughts were yet rational at that time 'cause definitely, I wasn't in love with death. While mind-mapping all the dumb ways to die, I always somehow found faults that had my sadness leaking and happiness entering and trying to drown my boat of unhappiness. To be logical with the idea, I started having curiosity about the After Death situation and just like a mere human, I fear the strangeness of anything and death is strange. I was trying to figure out all the consequences and find the reasoning behind myself thinking that the After Death place was a cool and attractive place with good beings. It's not that I can go there as a tourist, I will probably have to get a permanent citizenship and for eternity. I didn't even hear good reviews 'cause damn seriously, that's a one way trip and Wi-Fi there must be so bad or even non-existent that they can't access Trivago.
And that's where the lines were playing with me. I barely found any good reason for it to worth the risk. I was awe-struck by understanding that my death won't affect this world but my existence will. I got silent for two weeks or so; I was still trying to gather logic to die but as I wandered around, I found people who were swimming in the oceans of endless pain. And know what they told me about being the fun of it? It was that they were still swimming and as they were afloat, they were trying to breathe in all the happiness from the air and sometimes even sharing with others. They were grateful for life and alive despite all the things because they had the belief that you are the one to choose between happiness and sadness. Happiness and sadness; some earthly concepts and cosmos, planets and star stuff out of this world do not even have them. You really are blessed to know their definitions and have them along with your journey in this existence.
Pursuit of Happiness by AquaSixio
There again, one of my really close friends, quoted,
"Winning is not necessary, it is about how long you survive in the game through all the struggles and that's what the thrill is. It's a do or die and you have all the right to suck all the happiness out of it."
For an entire month, she kept on buzzing, trying to help me out of the situating by saying,
"Guuuurrrlll…remember that on mistake quote by our literature teacher? Be shameless to pain for the happiness to gain."
Her words were hitting me hard and I knew that I needed to understand, 'cause without a doubt, all of it was making sense.
I felt the need to live and not foolishly leave the game field 'cause it's rare to exist in such a complex universe and I didn't want to maliciously betray the journey of billions of years as stardust floating in nowhere. I still laugh at the thought of ending it all at once.
How could I had been so wrong?