Damn @richq11! I haven't read nearly enough of your work to know some of what you talk about in this post but for you to have come through the hells and horrors you have and be the person you are today is a miracle in itself.
You have incredible strength and fortitude and I have a great deal more respect for you. I know you were not aiming for this from anyone and that you were seemingly just talking from your heart and speaking truth (2 traits that are so rare).
I know I am maybe asking a bit too much from this question but was there ever a time when you didn't believe you could handle the weight of all that life had thrown your way? I understand that you are an immensely strong willed individual that for the most part refused to let anything pull you down or destroy you but was it your imagination that saved you do you think? Your ability to disappear in to realms of your own making?
I hope I am not being in any way too personal. If I am please feel free to say that I am asking too much. It is just that your story is incredible in many different ways.
You know, I never really thought much about it when it was happening... mostly afterward when it was like- Whew how the hell did I make it through that??? There was one time I can remember standing outside Portland Maine in a blizzard trying to hitch a ride. I felt despair- just absolute despair, like I wasn't going to survive. That's really the only time... I guess the rest I was too busy trying to stay alive.
That makes sense. You were for the most part almost consumed with the fight to survive against all odds therefore almost all other thoughts and trapping of fear and despair either vanish or fall away to the recesses of your mind? On many levels it's perfectly understandable that the mind would protect itself and you from harm and transfer all conscious control to that survival. Maybe it's akin to the fight or flight instinct? The mind knows that if it wallows in the agony of what has gone on before that the body will follow and the whole won't last. So it insulates those dark parts in to dark places so that the whole can go on and survive.
When you felt the despair in Portland, was this purely a despair born out of the icy blizzard or maybe more?
You don't have to answer any of this whatsoever Rich. And I get the feeling you'd tell me to fuck off of it was too much to discuss, hehe. You seem just that kinda honest type. Honest to the bone.............my kinda person. But when you replied I felt compelled to ask.
I don't do flight... never have, it's not how I'm wired. I'll stand and fight no matter what the odds- it's just how I am.
In the blizzard- I guess it was just the blizzard that made me feel despair. I stood under a lamp by the side of the highway... there were no cars coming and I thought this was it... the end. I was going to freeze to death standing by that road. Finally a car came and gave me a ride.
I feel that for the longest time as a child I was much the same. I would fight for what I believed in and to defend what I loved. Not that I am naturally a fighter. But after years of psychological and emotional abuse I changed. I lost that fighting instinct and became a push over.
These traits are still deep rooted in my subconscious but I am pulling them out like weeds one at a time. It's a slow process but I will get back to me.
Maybe, just maybe that blizzard wasn't just a weather pattern. Maybe it was a way to allow you to reflect. A moment of vulnerability. I can only imagine the despair you felt at that moment, possibly feeling that there was nothing beyond this snow and ice and wind. Or at least nothing earthly. (Sorry, not meaning to theological 😄) Were you waiting long? I know it must have felt like an eternity.
I didn't know much about reflection... I think I was 13 or 14... as for fighting... I'll be 72 Wed and I'm still swinging. It's not in my nature to quit!
You're an inspiration to this piddly 37 year old. I wish I had half of your fighting spirit.
I know you mentioned you fought on the Vietnam war but I'll be honest I hadn't even considered your age. But what is age? It's just an arbitrary number and all I can say is you portray both a man of wisdom as well as youthful vigor it seems. So whatever you're doing, it's clearly working.
My hat's off to you sir. And in case you're not online on Wednesday or I don't remember to say something. I hope you have a damn fine day!!
Thank you... If I'm still above ground, I'll be here!