It's a thing. A real thing. It's not just awkward, or lame, or weird, or just generally awful. It's uncomfortable. I don't know when it started, I think it's always been there. But it's like I'm always restless. It sucks.
The first time I realised I was with my best friend. We were just at a random park doing nothing. And I looked around and I see all the grass, a few kids, people, everything looked nice. But I felt extremely uncomfortable. I said it out loud. She is cool and understands, but doesn't feel the same.
It's like you're from a different planet and you're suddenly put in a situation where you don't understand anything. Nothing makes sense. Colors have no sense, or shapes. You understand words but you don't know just how. You don't know what to say because nothing seems relevant enough to kill the silence.
When I was a kid I used to have tiny seconds of it, but worse. It happened a lot when I was looking at a window in a car. I would look out, all those cars, those humans, those things inside those other things moving "fast". What is that? Why am I here? Where is this here?
And as I grew it just became more frequent. Until it became just my general life.
I'm walking down the road and I look down to my feet and I just don't understand. Anything. I look at my hands... They're the weirdest things ever. What is this ship I'm driving? This meat suit. This ship I control from my head, where most of my senses are... Everything is here, in my head. My control room.
Sometimes I don't recognise my hands, they're just weird limbs there that I can control somehow.
It's always there. If I'm with people, I talk to them, I interact, I pretend. But I'm always just soooo uncomfortable. I'm in a weird place with weird creatures. And I don't even know what normal is. Everything is just the same, I don't know anything else.
I am kind of used to it. There's like 3 people in the world I feel kind of okay with. Because I can say all of this out loud without them judging too hard. Or at least I just come out as funny.
But I've grown to almost accept it. The fact that I'm trapped in the meat-suit. With all its glitches and malfunctions and mistakes, and weird functioning overall. These hormones. The fact that I have "a mind". The voices. The repetitive speech. The fact that I can't never turn it off. Not even in my sleep. Because sleeping is another weird thing. Probably less weird, but still, weird.
What's this? Even if I have answers they're not good enough.
The real question is not "what".
Why this?
Why existence? Just... Why?
Give me all the spiritual bullshit you want. I get it. I know it. I feel it. But still...
Why?
It is sad when we have uncomfortable existence... What do we want...?
There is no logical reason for it, I don't think we will find it except for the purpose we want to give to our existence... maybe god said "well basically because fuck you"
Sounds about right.
the fact, the fact is that we are alive for some reason that goes beyond our senses and however hard we try to understand we will never find the real sense the course that brought us to life
Just live, smile, breath, laugh, cry, do everything you want and dont lose your time trying to answer stupid question, why? ill tell you cuz life is wonderfull enogh to ignore em' everyone have problems and everyones feels uncomfortable many times but who fucking care about it, its my damn life, its my problem and i will deal with it, fight and win always.
Es complicado explicar ese sentimiento pero te comprendo, me sucede con bastante frecuencia, de las pocas cosas que me quita esa sensación es leer, ahí me quedo entre lineas y hago mi mundo de fantasía.
Because the tiny robots that drive our suits needed a way to control the earth.
te a pasado que ya no encuentras emociones nuevas para ti? que piensas en que a veces te encuentras en ciclos donde perteneces a nada? a ti mismo pero quieres vivir , sentir y de alguna forma un vacio interno arropa lo que tienes alrededor dejando sencillamente todo en tonos grises e insipidos. No es depresion, no es tristeza, ni felicidad ni amor . Es nada...
En realidad eso que describes es un estado depresivo. Y si, claro, siempre. Lleva muchísimo esfuerzo mental y espiritual el no ser consumido de esa manera. Es por ello que las personas que nos sentimos así nos aferramos a cualquier cosa que nos haga sentir vivos. Lo cual no suele terminar muy bien tampoco.