It is hard at times when we love somebody who is either self destructive or even abusive. Covert violence is something that lots of people struggle with as love tends to muddy the waters. You and I both know that your grandmother was in a lot of pain and not dealing with it at all. I suspect you did not like her because of her covert violent behaviours, whether you were consciously aware of them or not.

Despite that, it does not take away the fact that we love people despite their violence. When we love somebody we tend to put up with more abuse than if it was a stranger or even a casual friend. But to be abused to the end leaves people hanging. So now it seems that you are confronted with your own feelings as you were not able to help her in any meaningful way, other than just being there for her.

In my view, you put up with the abuse and still spend time with her. That does not make you a 'bad' person. If anything it demonstrates a level of patience, understanding and compassion that many others would admire. What I see is that you now carry with you the pain of that abuse and the pain of the loss at the same time. Is it possible that you are being confronted with having to forgive yourself as you did the best you could and forgiving her as well? I'm no expert, but I suspect that if you can find within your heart to forgive, then the mourning process of saying good bye to her can proceed. Until the forgiveness is done, saying good bye will be difficult.

My friend, as far as I can see, it is not your fault that she reacted the way she did to the death of her grand daughter (your sister). We cannot change other people, but rather walk the path to influence each other. As such, your grandmothers path was hers to walk. You were there for her in the best way you knew how to serve. I see no reason why you need to carry the guilt around with you. Put the burden of her life on her, rather on yourself. Forgive her and yourself. That should lighten the load so that the mourning process can continue.

That is what I see anyway, based on what you shared. I thank you for having the courage to share such a deep and intimate experience. I pray that what I see makes sense and that it helps you in some way. May Creator bless you with peace, freedom, prosperity, joy, love and a lighter heart!