I've been in denial about what a "soother" smoking has been for me. I've played it down. When I stopped in the past, I was cleverly deceptive to put something in it's place to channel the suppressions within me. It's been rather appalling to see not so pretty pieces of myself that I've essentially been burdened with for like way too much of my life.

I'm finding that smoking for me has been like this massive coping with Life point. Where it's like so long as I can smoke...things are all good. Like this idea that I will tolerate whatever bullshit...so long as I can smoke.

SEX has been another point of suppression within me. Specifically in the form of Addiction. Man this is a kind of crazy one in a way because I couldn't see this at all. I so much so was hiding in it. It's like super embarrassing to even say. I mean I am appalled with myself.

OK - A little back story...

I've been going through what has been for me a really difficult breakup.

I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship. I was compromised from the get go. I rushed in. And the woman was/is pretty incredible. I totally pushed her away from me.

Only today have I realized this trend within my relationship history....where I've pushed everyone close to me away.

The experience has been like "Fuuuck...I've been doing this to myself the whole time."

I just finished making a vlog where I go into the ugliness of myself that has played out....the shit that I am ashamed of that I couldn't even believe I did.

I cheated on my girlfriend.

I was flirting the whole time. I played it off and was dismissive of it. I justified it as normal and natural. I was pushing the openness of sex in the relationship.

I never even considered that I've had a sex addiction since I was a kid.

I came across an article today, Sex Addiction 101

I recognized that I had even resistance to reading the article. I recognized that this could support in me expanding upon the vlog I just did called, Facing The dark Ugly Bits of Shame in Me

I had justified that I couldn't ever really have a sex addiction because I stopped jerking off to porn like 11 years ago....and in my mind anyone with a sex addiction has an issue with porn. Obviously I've been mistaken about a few things.

I had been noticing increasingly for sometime the deep roots of suppression in me. I recognized that I was accepting inferiority inside myself....and inadequacy....and that I would also present superiority as a coping and hiding mechanism. I didn't know how extensive this shit went....and it's like the shit in me has been going back into my childhood memories. Like in a way, I've been a walking, talking zombie throughout my adult life...and even my later teenage years....it's like I've just been playing out....and coping to different degrees with all this shit that has been buried in me in some way or another.

There's been so much denial and justification - as like not wanting to really consider that me...I could have a bunch of fucked up shit that I've been accepting and allowing....that I've held onto to my own detriment.

It's been rather intense in that I never expected to find so much shit in me. It's like the level of my own deception has been rather extensive.

I recognize too that it's not to get caught up in further burdening myself with these ugly harsh truths I am staring in the face as things that are just so unfortunate.

Smoking

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having created judgements about smoking.
I forgive myself fro accepting and allowing myself for hiding within smoking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having been a coward in the past in terms of seeing that I've been coping within inferiorities and inadequacies within smoking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing smoking to be like this medicine I need to soothe me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my life within smoking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for always wanting to fight people about smoking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing smoking to be an emotional thing...a way to hide the deep dark discomforts of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing cigarettes to be my time out to re group and make sure my thinking is right....I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate a very habitual relationship with smoking as a comforter that I mostly rely on for my sense of well being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out solace within smoking.

SEX

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe sex to be a necessary thing to support self-realization in myself and in others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to construct my life around having sex on the regular.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself from my friends and family and focus primarily on my girlfriend(s).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having justified not hanging out with friends...because it's like not as good as possibility of sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having so much so compromised a balanced living within sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing I need sex to feel adequate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for using sex to cope with self-consciousness, anxiety, inferiority, inadequacy, sadness, sorrow, and hood trauma.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cheat myself within and as my relationship with sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for never ever considering that I've had some serious issues with sex in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise my best potential within sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise my relationships for sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so controlled and influenced by sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have formed a drug like relationship with sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dishonor my body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how I've been attempting to build my self-worth within sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for limiting my potential so much so within always placing such importance on having a girlfriend.

I realize in facing the deepest darkest shit of myself - it's not pretty...it's not boastful...it's sad and uncomfortable in it's very nature. I realize that I couldn't really see and understand these things....there's no need to now go into a temper tantrum.

I realize in challenging myself to see all of myself without judgement, it is possible for me to heal myself from that which I've burdened myself with.

I commit myself to investigating any and all suppressions related to Smoking.
I commit myself to investigating any and all suppressions related to Sex.
I commit myself to continuing onward with my self-vulnerability.

I commit myself to challenging the living of my utmost potential.

I commit myself to facing every obstacle in my path to living my utmost potential.

I realize the journey through introspection can be most difficult at times and each one will face their own tests. I realize I stand alone in exposing myself...my shame...my mistakes....my corrections....my change.

I commit myself to making the best changes within my Living.

I commit myself to becoming a responsible human being.

• NOTE TO SELF: I've learned so much about myself because I am committed to taking 100% responsibility for my life...and I realize it's a process to go deep beneath the surface.

• I realize I am more ready than I've ever been to face the darkest parts of my mind.

CHEERS TO NEW BEGINNINGS AND BEST REGARDS

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