I have a TSA-friendly belt for my pants, so that I don’t need to remove it in order to go through security. Yes, the government has a role in determining what clothes I wear. Don’t get me started on that shit!
As I removed my shoes and put my laptops in the trays, etc., I noticed that it was rather slow and the lines were short so I would not inconvenience other travelers by fucking with the agents a bit… It was one of those days where you can clearly see that TSA stands for “Thousands Standing Around”.
I shoved the trays into the X-Ray tunnel and entered the Backscatter Radiation Scanner (a.k.a. “The Cancer Machine” or “Naked Machine”). When I came out, I had to wait for the goon standing at the exit to look at the monitor to see what sort of contraband I was hiding in my private areas.
I looked at the monitor as the image popped up and we both saw this:
The man looked at me and said “sir, I need to check a few things…”
“MY NUTS?!?!??!??”
I replied in a loud voice so everyone can hear. I decided I would use the same loud volume of voice for all my conversation with them. I figured they would think that I had a hearing condition or something.
“Uh, no sir. It’s probably your belt buckle.” He asked me to lift my shirt. Sure enough there was my buckle.
He then asked me to unbuckle it.
I complied, but I made sure to make sexy eye contact with him while unbuckling it very slowly.
As is typical (As I’m sure it’s part of their training), they stand face to face with you in a rather uncomfortably close manner. If you have personal space issues, it is very intimidating. I decided to turn the tables and make him feel more awkward than me.
I explained (again in a loud voice), that I wear a belt because my pants are too big to stay on and that there was a good chance that they would fall off, and that I was “going Commando”. I noticed that I was starting to build an audience. I said, “You don’t wanna see what I got do you?” Then I said softly almost whispering (again making eye contact) “or do you?”
Dead silence. He then checked my ankle.
That ended my inspection.