Response to the Tribe Steem Up Question of the Week, “Do we only change our thinking after a disaster?” Share your ideas using the tag #tribesteemup.
On Thursday, October 5, 2017 at 7:28 am, my husband left me in an email. I cooked my kids pumpkin pancakes for breakfast, went to get ready for the day, and dropped to my knees on the bathroom floor as I read his words. My whole world crashed down. I was a stay-at-homeschooling mom. He was our sole provider, and he was on his way to Mexico without us.
I had been busily trying to create the perfect life as the perfect wife, mother and daughter. I had so many masks in my closet to pull out for any occasion that I had forgotten what my reflection actually looked like. That email stripped me to my bones. For the first time in my adult life I was left alone and naked with who I really was. I did not have any room emotionally for anything else. I had to determine what I valued and how I was going to provide a life for my children.
Five months before, the ceiling of our finished basement playroom literally crashed down. Missing myself and my children by grace only, it fell from the sky and wrecked everything beneath. Still, the illusion of safety and security did not crash down with that ceiling. We were living in a beautiful $200,000+ remodeled home in the best neighborhood in the perfect small town I grew up in. Even though my sky was falling, I was still holding on to a life that was crumbling and still trying to get back to normal, when he left.
I died and was reborn when my knees hit the floor with the words of that email. As the old me died, I was consumed by grace in a form that I can only describe as divine light. It was a physical possession of my mind, body and soul. I no longer thought about what others thought about me. I began to see the toxic relationships in my life, ones that were concealed by the veil of expectation and obligation. The pain split open my soul. But, this crack made room for grace to pour in. The disaster of that email changed everything in a way that only a disaster of that magnitude can.
Had he not been brave enough to kill our life in the dramatic way that he did, I would still have been trying to get back to normal. I think for many people, an event with disastrous impact is the only thing that can create real lasting change. Modern humans are programmed to keep calm and carry on, to just sit down and shut up, and smile through the pain. If we are not derailed completely, we will desperately try to realign our wheels and continue on our planned track.
I was content in my traditional upper middle class American life. The ceiling could be repaired, but my husband burned our life to the ground in a way that left nothing to rebuild. This disaster forced me to take a hard look at who I really am, and what I really want. While the way he created this change for all of us was less than ideal and incredibly dramatic, I don't think I would have been able to truly let go of what needed to be left behind if he had not been brave enough to pull the rug out from all of us.
Two years later, we have all changed and we are all still healing. But the dust has settled and the silver lining is that we are left with the most precious gift of freedom and time to raise our young children together in a life we get to recreate from scratch. Sometimes, a disaster is grace knocking at your door, and the only real way to get a move on and change your life.
Thank you @riverflows and @focusnow for your inspiration.
I am grateful to find a place with rich soil to grow a community. May we take root, and flourish together.
All artwork, photographs, and content are original and created by @bia.birch unless otherwise credited.
Blessings on your day @bia.birch!
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PS: Great job getting in on the bi-weekly question already :-) That is quite a painful and challenging way to be broken out of the "normality" of mask-wearing you had found yourself in, but I'm glad that your true path unfolded and you're walking it in grace.
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What an absolutely beautiful and heartfelt story!! My husband of 8 yrs walked out on our marriage when our first and only son was just 2 months old. So I can VERY much relate to this:
I have written many times about it. Today, I am eternally grateful that it unfolded the way it did.
Happy to see that you too found the light in what presented itself as a very dark time in your life.
Thank you @jaynie for sharing your story. I find it painful that so many women and children have experienced what we have. And I feel the pain of the men doing the leaving too. To feel so broken, or angry, or sad or alone enough to leave those who love you most must be very hard to live with. I wish it could have been all happy and healthy for both of our relationships, but I am so glad you were able to find your grace too. 🌱
So true, it really is sad that it unfolds so unfortunately so often! - However, I will say that I am a firm believer in "everything unfolds precisely the way it should" and I trust that process, even when it is painful.
I would not change my life for the world now and would not go back to what I had if you paid me!
Lots of love hon! xxx
Hope you have a magnificent week ahead!
@bia.birch Did you know i have not really thought of your "one mom of two" profile tag? I just got it in this story. I feel very sad you had to go through that. I also feel that men that work away do so cowardly. To stand up with your face to the wind is the manly thing to do. I pray and hope you continue the have the mental strenght you have shown in your writeups. I stand by your side and strongly believe you are already a success story. Your inspiration will serve generations to come... And your kids? They have the best mom and strongest character ever!!!!
RESTEEMED with a sense of responsibility.
Unfortunately, that email was my ticket into a club made up of many women who have been left. While there are many men who have had their partner's walk out, the bulk of the leaving stories seem to include men leaving woman as the main plot. It is frustrating and infuriating and sad for everyone. To be in so much pain and have so much anger that no other way out can be seen. I am fortunate that I was immediately able to see that my partner leaving me was not about me, in this case. I did not pick it up as my own. He was in so much pain. But he was brave enough to do something to fix the pain, and I was strong enough to weather the burden his leaving caused. I remember feeling grateful that he only left instead of killing himself, because this way he was still on this planet with me and with my boys. He took time away to heal and work on himself, and that gave me time to heal and work on myself. We were both able to grow and change, and we are back together now to raise our children. Nothing in this life is guaranteed but death. This experience has truly helped me see the gift of understanding impermanence so that I live more fully in the present. I am grateful for your friendship 🌱
I wish my upvote was worth much more! This post moved me in a way that brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your story and for being an inspiration!
Thank you @lymepoet. You are quite an inspiration too!! I have enjoyed looking back over your posts to learn some of your story. I look forward to reading more 🌱
I was moved by your story, but I experienced it from the other perspective - - I was the one who left. I did it in person, and worked hard to make the transition as easy as possible for the ones I left (my wife and 3 boys), but it was still hard for all. That was almost 20 years ago now. Since then, I've learned that I wasn't the victim that I thought I was then (I had my role in it) and my ex learned that she wasn't the wife that she thought she was then. I remained in my boys' lives and we get along well to this day.
Through much Grace and soul-searching, our lives (and ourselves) are better now than we were then, but we might have been just as well now if we had worked just a bit harder back then. We both have moved on and found new ones to share our lives with. It's too bad that it took something traumatic to get us to see the areas we needed to change to be able to move on...
Thank you @jdkennedy for sharing your story. It takes bravery to make change, no matter how it's done or what the outcome. Grace worked quickly in my partner and I, and we were able to move through the soul-searching and self-discovery you mentioned quickly enough that our family got back together after 6 months. But it was work, and still is work, and it only worked because both of us could look both outside of ourselves and deeply within ourselves at the same time to truly allow lasting change and deep healing. Grace is tricky like that. I am grateful you, and your family, found peace too. 🌱
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STOPThanks for sharing this personal, life changing story with us and I'm happy to have found out - by reading the comments - that it all worked out well, in the end.
xx
Thank you @vincentnijman for the good vibes 🌱