There are times when, regardless of the crazy world, the hateful people and the endless discussions, I look into the mirror and see what these last few years of effort have been going towards. Here's the thing, I don't care if everyone "sir's" me until I am dead. I don't care if this country makes every bathroom a death trap. I don't care if every time I step off my property I have to continue to watch my six and stay battle ready all day every day forever. I don't care if everyday is like this past Saturday, you can keep shouting. You can keep staring, and I'm willing to keep smirking when you shake your head or tell me your praying for me. I will take the abuse everyday from now until they bury me.
I am not even halfway through my transition and I have never been more happy and at peace with myself. I have never been more confident or self assured. Yes I feel the pain of rejection, yes I want to be accepted but here's the thing, I don't need the public. I don't need the masses because real motherfuckers dont play sheep. You hug me in public when i'm at my wits end and can barley take another insult, you look me in the eye and smile, that's enough. Who needs the public, I will be just fine with those woke powerful people who treat me like a person. I see you, every time I can peek up outta the boxing ring that is my daily life, I see you. Thank you so much. I've been pacing the killing floor these last two years, had my body beaten and my mind questioned. Your my life line and I love each one of you more than I can ever express. You all help me keep my head up when I want to run away.
I suppose the other side of that needs addressed as well. All those people that can feel important off my pain. All those people that stop studying and start hating. Those people that like to call me names, cut me down. You get to me, I know that makes you feel good but i'm not going to lie, you make my life harder, I take that shit to heart, think about it for days. Mull over what I did wrong, what I could have said to make you see me as a person. I care, deeply, about what you think. Partially that's vanity, but mostly it's because i'm looking at the next generation, trying to open a door.
So I get shook. I don't remember the last shift at work I didn't cry after, you are everywhere. All day. Vastly in the majority, but each one of you needs to personally make sure I understand I disgust you, I do get it, it's just allot to take and it saps my hope at times. But then that mirror pops back up. I know it irks you transphobes when I am confident and happy. So for sure yall bother me but I bounce back. Because maybe i'm ugly but i'm happy, like deeply and internally happy with who I am. I never thought this was possible, just this level I had thought was impossible, but here I am, happy as a clam.
It's worth the hate, I guess is my point. I want it to stop. I want a better world but if it's not going to change then so be it. My existence is a form of Resistance you cant fight. I chose my name very carefully, Penellope, from the Greek. Her strategy all guile and cunning, what does she know? Penellope is a tempest with a plan and I hold that in my namesake. Dihana, from the Latin, Goddess of the hunt and the moon. Patience and virtue, wild, untamable and unyielding in her desires. I came to live real, I named myself to remind me in the down times, not that these women are Gods to me, there better, they are inspirational women that stand alone in worlds dominated by men, I take on their name to honor them and bear witness not in worship. Sorry this is getting a bit deep, but I feel like it matters so i'm including it in this entry. Its been on my mind this week so it bears noting I think.
As Leslie Knope so boldly said "Make me stag, I am Diaphena!" I get a bit meta with myself sometimes. It helps. I feel as though my patches are starting to level out. I am back in the gym after a bit of a sporadic month, that helps allot as well, working off some of the fear and anger is something I look forward to everyday.
I feel like this fight for equality is only beginning to boil. We are three months into the year and the death toll is already out of control, people are certainly starting to feel more bold in the expression of hate, but let me tell ya the number of people who are waking up to the fact that we are just people is on the rise, the upcoming generation is done with this old hate bullshit and are marching. We are cursed to be in the midst of exciting times I count myself lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people. Good week, life's hard but im counting this one as a win. Love to you all, I hope your day is exactly what you need it to be.
I am so glad you are here uplifting and inspiring people. Bouncing back amidst the hate. I think you are right that the loudness and boldness of the haters is a sign that things are changing. I don't understand why people have to hate. I never have. Anyway, I'm glad you are keeping your head up and remembering how gorgeous and amazing you are. I'm sending hugs and good juju.
I really appreciate your words I needed it today, thank you for being. Ever forward i suppose, I do firmly believe love will win, its just costing us tremendously at the moment, its scary but on we go. Thank you so much for stopping in :-)
I am glad for your courage and strength, but I wish you didn't need it. The costs are incredibly high right now, and I wish I could be more support to you and others. I promise to keep speaking up and out and will always send my love and support. Thank you for being too.
First things first...YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!! Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are ugly. Their views make them ugly in my eyes. Keep your head held high gorgeous lady! :D <3 <3 <3
Secondly, the more I read from you, the more I feel angry about the daily treatment you receive from strangers. Who do they think they are making you feel like crap! Never be anyone but yourself, you are perfect ;)
Thank you so much, its been a trying month but having allies and watching people expand their knowledge through my article has been very empowering. Im at home recovering from a series of panic attacks yesterday, feeling a bit fragile then I open my browser to your lovely words! Made my whole day, thank you.
you are an inspiration to me @steampunk-penny, much love to you, You are a force x
Thank you so much, I really appreciate that. I am just trying to get through it if talking about it helps or elevates people it really lifts me up😁
<3
You are beautiful and fierce, dear Penellope.
Thank you so much. Its always nice to get some feed back on that ;-)
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