some weeks you have to sit back, hold tight and just let happen to you. This was for sure one of those weeks.
I am beginning to get a handle on my emotional involvement in everything. I have also started to take my progesterone more regularly, when I close at work its hard to remember to take it. But I do think its helped, I am going to drop my finasteride this month, all the research I've looked into would suggest that I have done everything I could hope too with that andron.
This journal is partly a way for me to look back on these years when I am older and partly to show the humanity of this trans lady and the journey we take. As such be aware that Im going to talk about body changes and feelings, just sayin.
There was no singular event this week that caused my dysphoria to hop into the front seat with me. I have been stretched fairly thin between work and home and when my stress levels go up my inability to feel safe and comfortable for sure falls apart. I fight off my dysphoria in multiple ways, my go too is always hitting the gym extra hard for a few days, then having a massive snuggle pile with my girlfriends some ice cream and a movie. These are known ways to help, and they came through for me again this week, we three went and had breakfast at our local fave spot and snuggled all day. It was great! It helped improve my mental state and stay motivated.
Allot of my dysphoria lately centers around my chest. I have come to terms with needing to get implants and am taking the necessary steps to get it done its just taking forever and i'm frustrated. I really feel that having a propper size chest would cut down on the misgendering and that would dramatically improve my state of being. So I am saving up and talking to surgeons, it will get done it just feels forever away and its upsetting. If I was not as public facing and in the mix as I am I would probably be ok with what the hormones have done for me, im a solid b cup and i feel pretty good about it, but all things considered I think the implants are my best option.
I had my laser hair removal session for the month this week and as always it was amazing! I go to left hand laser in longmont. If you live out here i totally recommend them. This is another thing that helps with dysphoria. I get my entire body lasered and having no hair is extremely affirming for me. Getting my nether regions done is sooooooooo painful, no point there just eeeek! Its painful!
It is always so humbling to look around my close circle of friends. So many amazing people that help me everyday, it just means the world to me. I want people to understand something about being transgender. Its a burden, its hard work everyday. You have to keep it together as an adult while going through puberty again. I don't care who you are you got to get how messed up hard that is. Saying that isn't a plea for sympathy but I don't think the general public gets that transition is not a single surgical event. Its years of work and pills and doctors and tears...omfg the tears...endless...
All to obtain a better life for sure but it is a tremendous effort, often done with very few friends in a world that is indifferent at best murderous at worst and holy crapnards is it hard! That has been on my mind allot this week. I hope you are all wonderful and that your days have been lovely, tune in next week for my next entry, same queer time, same queer channel. Love to each and every one of you.
Yes thats my purse, yes its a unicorn...i love it...
*Unicorn .gif by: Penn92Evans
Fun fact, my flat chest has led to two things
a) people think I am a preteen and want to sell me training bras
b) people using male pronouns by default
Of course the former bothers me more because they try to quiz me on bra knowledge with a patronizing tone.
People are so weird...like why do you have to talk down to someone, just stupid. But 100% feel ya, that shit deeply matters to some people lol.
Thank you for sharing your journey.
I love the little Unicorns you leave everywhere, they make me smile! :) Hormones are the worst! I would hate to have to go through puberty again! Stay strong and stock up on chocolate and half baked ben and jerry's ;)
Tehe!! Unicorns are 100% my esthetic LMAO I'm glad somebody enjoys it🦄🦄💜💙💜 they always make me smile too!
It really is the worst, best thing, that has ever happened in my life. It makes it really hard to comp!win about it lol, like "you know this thing I'm doing that's everything I ever wanted and makes me feel human for the first time in my life, it sucks and is super difficult and draining!!"
Because then people are like well...just stop? Its definatly one of those just need to bitch things, no way of fixing it just got to get through it lol. But yes Ben and Jerry are always on call along with timtams and plenty of my tea🦄🦄🦄 hope your day is wondrous!!☺☺☺🦄🦄🦄💎
I'm just an A cup girl with just estrogen and no impants, but I really think you should hold back on the breast implants, focus on on getting and recovering from the bottom surgery first, I think that will help with your dysphoria much much better. IMHO B cup is already good, especially since you have a thin build. A quality bra that structures your breast nicely with some mild pads will work wonders. Get clothes that are more form fitting, so throw away the loose fitting tees and sweatshirts and hoodies! For your uniform, get them one size smaller!
For sure I feel what your saying and Ive done allot of that already, it works wonders but in the end the implants just make sense to me, just how I see myself i suppose. I like me just fine really but given the option I want a fuller chest and it seems possible so im going for it. I dont hard to explain I suppose its just right for me, i totally get that its not for everyone though ;-)
also probably I like to so sports so....
I continue to appreciate the sobriety with which you share your story! A few things stand out to me:
I am glad that you have a concrete something that you know will reduce the dysphoria. I am MORE glad that you are working with physicians to become more congruent physically with your true self.
Also:
You cannot pay me to revisit puberty! I was a violent whiplash between excessive joy and extreme devastation and sadness. So volatile, and as an adolescent, you get a hard pass. I couldn't imagine managing as an adult, dealing with the public. Goodness.
Thank you so much for reading! I really appreciate the support.
It's all about figuring out stop gaps as my bottom surgery gets closer, im getting closer its just the details now lol, and livability, anything to make the everyday just a bit smoother helps soooooo much.
Uhg me too! Puberty the first time was just a nightmare and got to tell you it is not at all better as a "grown up" lol. I just think people need to know why we lose it so completely sometimes lol, puberty is a nightmare even when its everything you ever wanted LMAO:-)
Looking good... Goodluck with your transition journey... Enjoy it 😘
Thank you!! :-)
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