Tough - redefining the words 'tough' and 'toughness'
Tough is a word that I have given a positive charge to within the context of what it apparently is to be a man, specifically a 'successful' man in this world. I have used it and seen it used as a way to separate oneself from others in an attempt to be some form a super-man, where 'toughness' is associated with some form of invulnerability or inability to be hurt, or to somehow not be phased or affected by hurt or damage or pain. So within my definition of the word tough is the connotation of being able to take and withstand abuse, especially physical abuse, but also mental and verbal abuse, playing some kind of character that apparently is not able to be hurt or somehow does not react to pain and abuse the same way that a 'normal' person would.
I observed how 'toughness' was associated with what it meant to be a successful male as I observed how the world hierarchical system was based on abuse, and those who could abuse the most and also take the most abuse would often be the most 'successful' within the world system. I would do all kinds of crazy things and allow my physical body to be abused and harmed and do everything I could to hide the pain and simply keep moving - as though the world is a war zone, and those who stopped to recognize, deal with or grieve their pain were weak, while those who could keep moving regardless of the pain were 'tough'. Within this I became very cold and learned to form a kind of protective inner shell within myself that I would never allow to be penetrated - if some tried to attack or slow me down in anyway I would essentially within myself say 'fuck them', forget them and keep moving - even if within myself it did hurt. I would destroy my body playing sports and essentially be cannon fodder, punishing and brutalizing my body and taking pride in it, not stopping to feel the pain where others might to win some kind of war of attrition that existed only in my mind. Playing sports with an injury or going to work sick, these were the kinds of things that were validated and confirmed by my environment as being admirable qualities.
I would see the way my father would say things like 'tough luck' which was like a way of dealing with an unacceptable or abusive situation, act or circumstance, where it was impressed on me that life had to be difficult or painful, and those who could deal with and tolerate such pain the most would finish first in the rat race. There was also an element of endurance associated with the word 'tough' with regards to how much neglect my body could withstand, how much longer I could last and perform without fulfilling my body's needs and doing without, where I would take pride in 'toughness' in outlasting the next person in some form of imaginary life competition - even if it meant compromising my own body. It is like a 'win at all costs' mentality where apparently there is no time to recognize and fulfill my physical and mental needs, that apparently gives me more time and energy to focus on 'winning' the game of life that I have made up in my own mind.
So I can see how tough was presented to me in this context of survival and competition in the world hierarchical system as a quality that was beneficial to my success in the world system without actually considering my physical body and it's well-being. I can see how this was something that was glamorized in movies and mainstream culture as a quality for males to possess and aspire to have. I also see how living and projecting this 'tough' character as the one who can give and take the most self abuse and neglect their own body the most would bring me a certain amount of success within the system and was thus confirmed to me by my environment as something to live and trust....but to what end?
I am nothing without the physical body, and the old ways of the world hierarchy are dying and were never ways that served life and created a world that I would actually like to live in, which is a world that is best for ALL life where there is no competition or hierarchy.
So what would it mean to live the word 'tough' in a way that is real? How would I like to live this word so that it is supportive to myself and all life equally?
Lets have a look at the dictionary definition of the word 'tough':
1 (of a substance or object) strong enough to withstand adverse conditions or rough handling
2 able to endure hardship or pain: she was as tough as old boots.
3 demonstrating a strict and uncompromising approach
4 strong and prone to violence
The first definition I'm able to draw on, on the point of withstanding adverse conditions, but specify what it means to 'withstand' adverse conditions to a point of 'standing with' adverse conditions, where I do not resist such conditions by pretending they are not affecting me or simply accepting such conditions and basically just ignoring and persevering through them - but rather, not allowing adverse conditions to compromise who I am and the being/life that I would like to live. It is to face the adversity head on and consider myself within it, what would be best for my physical body in handling such conditions, and what it would mean to do that which is best for all life no matter how adverse the conditions are.
The second definition is nothing to take pride in - pain is something we must deal with at times in life and not allow it to compromise who we are, but real 'toughness' would be to recognize the pain and love oneself sufficiently as to do what is best in supporting the body when it is in pain and take steps to alleviate the cause of the pain at its source.
The third definition is one that I can draw upon as far as knowing where to 'be strict' in setting definitions and boundaries that support my body and others in the best way possible. To not allow abuse or self abuse and to rather live in support and gentleness and to be unwavering in standing within such a principle.
The fourth definition is useless to me and has no real relevance - 'strength' is a word that is greatly misunderstood in our reality and maybe even another word/point to look at and redefine in a later blog to come. And being prone to violence is of course something that I never want to live.
So within the context of my life and how I have misunderstood, used and abuse the word tough and toughness, I would redefine the words as such:
to be tough is to stand within principle as what is best for all life and be uncompromising in standing with/applying such a principle, no matter how challenging or adverse the experience of myself and the conditions of my reality may be. In practical application, to be 'tough' may actually mean to be gentle with myself in taking a moment to actually allow myself to feel some pain, to recognize that there even is pain, or that there may be something within my mind or body that requires some attention and support. to be tough, for me, may mean to stop the tendency to neglect that my body may have needs or that some investigation may even be required to find out and understand what needs my body may have. to be tough for me may mean to be open to others who may support me in pointing out how I may be able to better love and support myself and others in our physical and mental needs, and to do so without shame, self judgment or being apologetic. for me tough may mean to do the things that I don't like to do because they are not habitual and stick with it, because I have not developed myself in such a way where I always tend to my physical and mental needs in a proactive way - tough for me means to stick to this commitment no matter what to always do what is best to meet and support the physical needs of my body and others so that we may all life the life we want to live on planet earth, freee of abuse and fear of ourselves and one another.
