Hit-and-run succulent

in #thoughts2 years ago

cactusx.jpeg

This is my grandmother's cactus. I first met it on her windowsill. In the kitchen. By the stove. Where it lived unobstructed, and smothered in all that rare south-facing light. Miracle light, but then my grandmother died, and there was no one around to water it. So now, it lives with us.
It reminds me of being small, and walking with her. She who knew of plants, and herbs, and beautiful in green. After she died, my mother adopted all of her plants, and to me, that's the most beautiful, most intimate tribute you could pay to someone who's no longer here.

Remembering them isn't exactly the same as remembering the things they cared about, and that mattered to them.

The cactus now lives on my own, modest windowsill that seldom catches light, and where it must move often, because I like open windows, but not blaring car horns.
Anyway, when I came back home after ricocheting a bunch through Europe, the house tasted like amazonia, and I felt like there was no more room. I didn't mean to knock it off, but I did, and felt terrible. Because it had once belonged to someone, but more so, because now, it belonged to someone else, for whom this little prickly succulent mattered. But then, keeping an eye on it the next several days, I came to the realization~

Plants have extraordinary capacity to heal.

People do, too, only less, because when the world was young and frightened, they got tricked into thinking no one would hurt them. So now, when someone knocks a window into our side, we get caught up on why they did it.

Cacti don't get caught up in the why. I don't think they spare any focus on why someone would be so careless as to ram them with a window, at all. It's in the past, and what matters to them is regenerating the tissue that the window tore through, so they can stand as a whole, again.

And here, I thought I was so much better than the plants, when I first got here. But I see now, I ain't. See, I can pinpoint the times I got hurt, but not all of them, and I always get hung up on how it happened. The position I was in. What I did to further or encourage hurt. How I hurt.

Plants don't, 'cause that keeps you stuck in the act itself, rather than in the immediate aftermath, where you should be. While you're busy thinking of all the ways you should've reacted and protected yourself, and done different, and made better words with your mouth, you keep yourself pinned in place. In the moments leading up to the hurt, in the immediate before.

Except you're not supposed to live in the before, because there's no oxygen there. Putting yourself in mind of all the things you could've said or done to avoid a traumatic event doesn't actually relieve, in any way, the trauma. Rather, it forces you to re-experience it over and again.

You could've said, but you didn't.

The cactus could've been on the table, and not on the ledge.

But it was not.

Hurt happens, and paradoxically, it's easier to pick it apart, than it is to allow it to heal. For me, the last few months have focused heavily on healing. Mostly for wounds I didn't know I had. Some days less than others. Some days, frozen in place by dawning realizations, by acknowledging hurt in all the frightened places that need tissue to regenerate the most.

It's why I've been absent from here, among other things. I needed to find such absolute quiet that I struggle yet to explain. And in that quiet, to find that thorns won't keep the window from swinging, or from knocking you in the head. That it's easy and good to put up your dukes, and protect yourself, but knowing how to float all them essential, helpful fluids and cells to the wound site, that costs a lot more.

I still need a lot of quiet. And now I sit in the quiet, sipping coffee, and wishing for sun. Looking at the cactus, and thinking how strange it must all seem to it. Does it wonder about the south-facing ledge with plenty of sun? Or about the old woman who knew when to water it, and never hit it against the window ledge?

Probably not, that's just me. But I'm learning to think different.

Sort:  

It is just because we are human that we overthink things instead of continuing onward. It is cuz we think that we remember the trauma and put ourselves through the stress again.

Be like the cactus. Find another way to grow.

It is cuz we think that we remember the trauma and put ourselves through the stress again.

I've been wondering why that's so common. I realized recently how cruel it is we do that to ourselves. Like, if you saw someone subject another to the same anxiety and guilt and fear, you'd be appalled. But when it's yourself, it's somehow fine? the human mind seems a marvelous, frightful thing.

The best thing that we can do is to grow and share with other people that you can heal....

And maybe here we can actually put forth a new world and connect with each other in a different way.

Excellent post!

Thank you :) I appreciate your words. There's something very reassuring talking to someone who understands this importance of healing, and of going through the journey, I guess :)

What a beautiful post @honeydue. Also love the oxygen reference. Over the Christmas period we were in south Europe and managed to get a small cactus cutting. To my delight last week I could notice a little green shoot. It's healing, it's living, it's adapting. What a beautiful post you have here. Here is a little photo of my cactus.

Cacti are so resilient and adaptable, aren't they? Can't wait to see it grown! Thank you :)

I'll be keeping a very close eye and will surely post something back once it's grown. But once again, what a nice parallel to us lot. Great connecting

Except you're not supposed to live in the before, because there's no oxygen there.
That a just WoW!!!

Thank you :) I've been looking for a place to write that way, more loosely let's say, and it seems I have found it (yet again). I hope you've been well :)

Ofcourse I been well,what choices did I had,but to take care.. I really thought you was feeling at home on this platform,and for someone at your age it is understandable to need to experience everything you can,just to try to find yourself...don't push/rush it...you will find it! I'm not a good speaker/comenter/writer,but I did follow your blogs,it's hard to find open, raw, sincere maybe kind of thinking...
Tell your mom I miss her rants...she is a good writer,too...I don't get it why you guys quit this platform...😕

I'm glad to hear you're doing alright :) I wouldn't say I quit this place, just that writing both as a job and doing fiction, and this on top got to be a bit much, so I took some time to recalibrate, but I don't plan on re-disappearing for a while yet.

Thank you. I will tell her, I've been telling her to get back on Hive for ages. Maybe this will finally convince her :D

I hope you had some wonderful travels around Europe. When you've had enough of quiet and healing (and only then) I hope you can share more of them.

I've been hungry for quiet too. Trains are loud and customers are demanding. I leave the radio off when I get to the car, and that helps.

I did, and I will :)

I hope you've found a place where you can enjoy the quiet. A long drive, maybe? Someone as clever and unusual as yourself shouldn't get lost in the mundane of demanding customers. I hope it comes across as the compliment it was meant as.

I enjoyed this post. I feel like I shared some time in your head with you for a few minutes.

I like the story of the Anthropomorphic Succulent that would kind of play the protagonist if this were fiction. It's not human but it can be fun to think of it as having some of our traits. I'm thinking of animals and trees and yes, sometimes plants that were recreated in our image in fairy tales and cartoons. Maybe even in religious texts. I seem to recall a purposefully deceptive talking snake near the beginning of one book.

Anyway, thanks for the cool post that got me thinking about Anthropomorphism! :)

Ha, you're right. I didn't realize I was doing that, but it's true, anthropomorphism does play a huge role in our earliest myths and stories. It's brilliant since it shows us the earliest civilizations wrestling with all these abstract, huge concepts, and trying to turn them into bite-sized, tamable knowledge. And here we are, doing this to this day. Thanks for making me think about that, as well :D

Hi @honeydue, your post has been upvoted by @bdcommunity courtesy of @rem-steem!


Support us by voting as a Hive Witness and/or by delegating HIVE POWER.

JOIN US ON

Thanks so much!