Free Falling

White, the colour that symbolises purity and chastity and everything wrong with this room. The walls, the lights, they were all a blinding white that even with my eyes shut, I saw a light pink, the white bleeding into my eyelids. This was what running away from my fears felt like, it made me feel vulnerable and transparent and I knew I had to overcome them, there was no other choice.

My hands were freezing but my head was burning up, spinning in a thousand different directions, I could not find the right way to move on because it seemed as if I was pulverising everything in my path blindly, a wrecking ball out of control.

The sound of the second hand on an analog clock ticking away was my only companion in the sea of nothingness but time had no meaning in here, I was too aware of the passage of time because I had slowed down, because before this, five years would pass in a blink of an eye. Because now I could not do anything with the time I was given, grains of sand collecting at the bottom of the jar.

Heart beating wildly against the cage inside my chest like a rabid animal desperate to survive, its instincts wired and switched on, ready to pounce for something that was not going to arrive. Electricity tingled under my skin, coursing through my blood vessels and giving me a high that will come crashing down on me but the animal inside me will never learn how to give up a losing battle.

Memories, good and bad and everything in between flashed through my mind like a distorted image, everything was in blue and red and every colour of the rainbow but never black and white because I liked to trick myself into believing that none of us made any mistakes, because mistakes were only worth remembering if you learned from them.

This post was originally posted 2 years ago on my personal blog hosted on Wordpress. I was in a pretty bad place (mentally) at the time and looking back now, I am proud of how much progress I have made. I still have bad days, but I know how to deal with them better.