- For many of us (myself included) Father's Day is a commonplace traditional day of holiday practised in nearly every community in some aspect across the globe. It has its roots in the Spanish and Portuguese Middle Ages, and is celebrated as a national holiday in some European countries, while also being practised as a day of celebration in numerous other countries.
While this day is positive for most of us, with connotations of love, harmony, togetherness and bonding, those that have lost fathers, or who have had abusive or non-existent fathers this holiday can bring feelings of negativity and hurt.
Born in a traditional 'nuclear' family, my relationship with my father is a good one; a stable home with a steady job that allowed for a family holiday every year, and a new car every three years, with no controversies of cheating, or of abuse or similar potentially home-wrecking behaviour, my dad provided the best he could for the family. Without obvious bias of nepotism, my father is a man that is honest, hard working, empathetic, and caring, and one that many people admire and love once they meet him.
A family holiday photo at a ski resort
Sadly, a lot of people are not as lucky as I am. I have seen first hand how bad fathers have behaved; abuse in the forms of physical violence, sexual/paedophilia advances, and neglect or disregard to safety and care, a father's influence and life decisions can shape a child's entire future. There are other influences that father's can bring to the family that have't been discussed in as much depth including controlling and bullying behaviour, gambling and mismanagement of money, or religious/cult beliefs that can force a child to do acts against their wishes (burkas/hijab in Islam, circumcision in Judaism, arranged marriages in Hinduism etc.) Thankfully awareness is gradually growing around these taboo subjects amongst their impact on a child's development.
With the breakdown of the nuclear family in the western world, the role of a father has divulged far from it's original meanings. Traditionally and medically, your father is the one that biologically implanted his DNA into another female human. While that may be a sterile analysis of the word, the modern and adapted evolution of the term would now resemble an influential male figure who now nurtures and cares for a child.
With step-fathers becoming more commonplace in our society, homosexual couples adopting children becoming accepted, and fathers being removed by the state as legal carers for their kin, there could be the argument with those of conservative minds to say the family home is being broke down by liberal attitudes, and in response to that, I want you to ask me these questions;
Do I feel that a man not of biological relation to a child should nurture that child to the best of his abilities for the duration of their life if he has been put in the position to do so? Yes. Emphatically.
Do I feel that gay men should be allowed to adopt a child if that child is found to be in either temporary foster care or under the stewardship of the state in the forms of orphanages? Yes. Again, emphatically.
Do I feel that a father can be removed from his legal guardianship status by the state if he is found to be abusive, or a threat to that child's safety? Yes. Again (and I am sorry), emphatically.
And why would I answer my questions so vehemently? Because, the welfare of the child is always put first.
As a humanist, and a person who loves his fellow species, I hope to see all of us with goodwill prosper and be successful in all of our endeavours. I fundamentally believe that in order to give a child the best chance in life, to make sure that she can reach adulthood educated and healthy, with free will and freedom to make her own decisions, then there needs to be definitive influential adults in their life. That doesn't necessary equate to me believing that a child should always have a father, but instead rather, a child should always have an adult in their life that cares for them.
Whether that is two dads or two mums, a biological mum and a step-dad, foster parents, or grandparents the role of a father in a child's upbringing should be looked at beyond his gender.
'Oh, but if you have two gay fathers, that child is going to grow up gay'
- firstly, a) being homosexual is not a taught behaviour. It is a genetic variation to heterosexuality, just like someone who is born with a preference for apples instead of oranges, and secondly b) so what if that child grows up to be (coincidentally) gay? Last time I checked, the human population is at breaking point in terms of numbers - we do really need to stop mating so much and so vigorously - and there are a lot of children that need the comfort of a safe adult. To stigmatise against viable parents because of what hangs between their legs or their preference for the same sex when it does not impact that child's life in the slightest seems quite petty and frankly, bewildering.
"Oh, but step-dads can never replace real dads"
- and why not? Some of the best fathers I have met are step-fathers, thrust into positions of empathy, sympathy, love and responsibility by seeing a vulnerable child who's biological father is not present, or is abusive. Blood ties hold much more weight than they should, and years of abuse by a drunk father can remain hidden and unknown to anyone for years outside of the family circle simply because of that child's loyalty to their father. In a scenario where a biological father is worse than a step-dad - where the biological father is a drunk abusive, and the step-dad instead helps the child with her homework every evening - then sorry, blood is worth nothing in comparison to the enrichment of love. I admire step-fathers, to raise a child not of our your own is a huge undertaking, and to gain a child's love in return (or working through the courts to protect that child) can be a tortuous, and depressing journey.
"Oh but a father has a legal right to his child"
- and while I agree with this statement to an extent, fathers who cannot care for their children should not be in a position of care. While I'd like to think (naively of course) that every household containing a child should be one of happiness, sadly there are so many homes subject to rampant and destructive opiate and sexual abuse, and neglect, and deliberate harm, that yes, the state should be allowed to remove that child from her parental care. This a very grey area however, where I'd like to see the state as a supportive government rather than a controlling one, and in today's times (and throughout most of our civilised history if we are being realistic), I am not confident enough to say that most governments are.
The point I am raising is that Father's Day - even for those with only bad experiences with the anointed father in our lives -
should be celebrated as a homage to the carers in our lives. Even having separate days to celebrate the roles of fathers and mothers seem so weird when both of them as good parents require equal, full, unwavering dedication and commitment. While I would laud a day celebrating those for the closest in our lives and hearts, I feel that titles like 'Happy Parent's Day' or 'Happy Carers Day' is not catchy enough for today's snappy holiday market sadly enough.
I do believe that some sort of celebratory day should exist. While it could be argued that most main religious holidays celebrate the communion of family and generosity, the focus of those days are more towards worship of the deity than specifically being dedicated to family and loved ones. The more radical and free-thinking of us would argue we shouldn't need a dedicated day to celebrate the love of our fathers; that he should be celebrated every day for his contributions, and while I agree that would be a lovely gesture, a lot of us just don't have time to spend with our fathers like we used to as kids. Some of us have busy lives of our own with work, and our own children, some of us are disconnected from our roots, and some of realise almost pessimistically that constant celebration every day would wear very quickly, very soon.
So yes, lets have a day of celebration. Let's pay homage to those that we love, a huge 'gettouttahere' to the fathers that have left or hurt us, and lets just start loving the ones closest to us a little more. By returning the love and loyalty that your primary care-givers have given you not only en-grows your own relationship with them (and yourself as a person), but those of a peaceful, supportive and harmonious social system.