Hey @mahmod,
I feel like you have the bones to make a really good story here, but I found it a little difficult to finish reading your story. There were points where the sentences failed to make sense and left me wondering what exactly was going on.
I might suggest a bit of advice and try proofreading your work once or twice after writing, then have someone else read it over, just to have an unbiased eye look at it.
Keep writing, you'll only get better as you continue to do so and with great story ideas you're sure to create something really captivating someday!!
I have a feeling that this work was translated from another language, just put into an online translator perhaps? I might be wrong, but while I got the general idea of the story, some sentenced are as you said a bit hard to understand.
True, but maybe that's all the more reason to get a second opinion?
I guess if he's really into writing he could go on the Discord channel for writers and get some pointers, provided that's what he wants to do.
https://discord.gg/T3SVT9 If you are looking for a community of writers. :)