This is Part 3 of my "The Man With No Name" series. If you haven't read the prologue or parts one and two, you can find them here:
Last time, The Man With No Name, aka Blondie, found that his prized pistol was missing from the cave where he lived. As he tried to escape the cave, he was shot from a distance by someone lurking in the darkness. Blondie created a diversion and managed to haul himself on his trusty steed, The Horse With No Name, and sliped off into the night.
The Horse With No Name
The Horse With No Name couldn’t tell what all the ruckus was about. Before all the noise, he and his master had enjoyed a quiet day out. There hadn’t been any loud “bangs” today which was nice for his ears. What does master call them? Oh, yeah, he calls them "gunshots."
It had been a good day, all things considered. There was nothing he liked better than to spend all day with his master... well, other than a nice cube of sugar! Sugar is so good!
After they had gotten home and he got a nice brushing, he had just been eating tasty grass when his master had come sneaking out of his hole. Humans are such strange creatures. Just stay outside and have some grass! What is so great about that rock with a hole in it?
Then there had been a little light out of the darkness and a “bang.” But it had been a different “bang” than the one from his master's detachable hand; it had been from someone else. Maybe that’s why master was acting weird.
Master calls his detachable hands something... guns! They're called guns. He's acting like other humans do when master has gunshotted at them. Maybe the “bangs” can hurt people. Humans don't tend to move much after getting gunshotted.
Horse cared about his master, so he was worried, but he didn’t know what to do. Master had given no instructions; he just lay on Horse's back, clinging to his neck. Then, Horse remembered the man at the monastery. Master's friend would know what to do. And after all, he did have sugar!
Horse couldn’t see much, but the darkness that prevented him from spotting his master’s assailant was the same darkness that gave Master and him cover to escape. With the darkness wrapped around them like a blanket, Horse set out… to find sugar cubes.
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Haha! I like this a lot. I like it so much that the first read-through threw up no anomalies or corrections - a good sign for me. It means I was so absorbed with the story that I didn't look for any mistakes.
Well done!
Great to hear! I brought in a proof reader on this one. I know it was a shorter article, but I'm trying to get a better sense of how things come across, especially when I'm trying something new. I'm glad that it paid off.
I had one person mention publishing it if I finish a whole story with it. Are there copywrite issues that I could potentially run into with that?
If you've written it, the copyright belongs to you.
There are agencies etc that deal with registering your work and I'm familiar only with UK law, but if you print off your manuscript, put it in an envelope and post it to yourself with the seal signed and dated by the postmaster, it covers you in most cases, I believe. Make certain you don't open the envelope because that signed and dated seal is your guarantee that the work is yours.
I would strongly recommend you publish your story as a book!
Awww not only is the horse alive, but he's going to save the day ;)
...and think and quite possibly talk. Mister Ed style ;)
Nice perspective by the way; relieves a bit of tension, like in the old Shakespeare dramas with so much horror and killing and blood going on, then out come the clowns to make people laugh and give the audience a little break. Bravo! curtain call
One of the things that I've been working on is not "bumping/jolting the reader out of the story." Something like the horse thinking is semi-plausible. It's a "translation" of his thought, done by me. However, I worried that if I had the horse actually talking that it would hurt the credibility of the story. I was trying to have the horse episode be a little comic relief from the actual story, but not a different story.
Yeah, another request for more horse? I can't give anything away, but stay tuned!
I'm glad you liked him.
Yes I'm glad you kept it all believable. That is really important to keep your readers engaged!
...I am 'tuned' ;)
I enjoyed the story from the perspective of the horse. That was a nice twist in the action following the last part.
Yeah, I wanted to experiment with new things and this seemed like a cool way to do it. Horse is good-hearted and loyal, but he's also a bit of comic relief. I'm glad you liked him.
Was the last part too heavy for you? Too dark? (get it, because it was night in the story) Just didn't connect with it?
dude.. this is so cool... I love the horse character!! I haven't read the others yet but I'm going to go check them out .. this was a fun read.. thanks for the smiles
I'm glad you liked it. Looking forward to reading you comments on the other parts. I had a lot of fun writing the Horse character.
Every New part of your series gets better than the former. Great job!
The horse concept was very intriguing. You drew me to the mind of that horse. That was good.
But come on, the humour in the last paragraph, when you said the horse set out for sugar cubes instead of the masters safety, was hilarious.
Hey, I'm glad to hear you were able to get into the mind of the horse. It took a lot of rewrites to get to where he came through well.
I was hoping for that reaction with the last part! Thank you for appreciating that. :)
You are always welcome
Cheers!
Brilliant again mate, i'm dying for the horse to have a name though! Also, teeny tiny critique of the word 'gunshotted' I'm not sure if this is on purpose as you are speaking as if the horse, but it's not a word where I come from lol! Overall still brilliant and still looking forward to the next installment!
We'll see if Horse actually gets a name. That could be a part of it, potentially.
Yes, I did that on purpose. I had someone proof read it and they commented on the same thing. I left it as it was because I was hoping that the repetition of the word would help people realize that is how Horse talks, so the narrator uses Horse's language. It could have helped to have "quotation marks" around the words so the reader knows it's supposed to be that way.
Really good feedback! Thank you!
As long as it's intentional then there is nothing wrong with it in my opinion :) making a good little read this series man, keep it up!
I just don't want to bump the reader out of the story and back into reality. I want to keep them trapped in the little world I've created! Muah ha hah! :D
Go Mr. Horse. Go find em sugar cubes fast!
From your previous comments, I probably could have consulted with you regarding how horses think as it seems like you know a lot about them.
Hopefully getting to read this installment helps you understand the horse's thought process a little more. Did this part help you understand why Horse behaved how he did, or is it still too implausible for you? (If it's still too implausible, that's fine. I'm just trying to learn how people react.) :)
Zero knowledge about horses. Other than:
A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks, "why the long face?"
When you speak from the POV of the horse, then plausibility goes out of the window. It's all fantasy, so in this installment you could go wild with the story and still be bang on track!
You had me fooled. I was about to ask you if you would run my farm for me. Jk, no farm.. but still, I was impressed.
Yeah, it's kinda fun and freeing to do the horse's point of view because then I can really do what I want with it. I like it. :)
Heh
That's an intelligent horse right there xD Master is proud :P
Yeah, Horse gets the job done. Master would be proud, but he's still having issues. Silly human should learn to dodge "bangs" better. Ha ha ;)
"bangs" are to fast for master to see! maybe horse could be sold for a bulletproof vest xD
Ha ha ha.
Love the horse with no name and his logic. Sugar is good and does make people feel better, for a brief period of time.
He's funny. I had a great time writing for him. I'm glad you enjoyed reading from his perspective.
What a great story, you make the narrative of the horse very real, humanize it and externalize it. Congratulations.
I invite you to visit my latest publication and have your support. Thank you.
Thank you. I'm glad you liked it.