There is absolutely only one thing that stands up far above the rest of my habits and practices as a parent that I desperately want to change.
And I quite literally hate it. Man, I even get tears as I think about how this bothers me so deeply. It's such a pertinent problem because it is so intertwined with my personality. I hate offending people. I tend to do everything I can to make others happy. I avoid conflict. I don't speak my mind. I don't correct others. I tend to be very quiet and held back in a lot of aspects. But now, this is not only bad for me. It is making life difficult for my baby.
I freeze.
I freeze when random strangers come up to my daughter and start touching her face and saying how cute she is. I freeze when a man at church grabs my daughters hand to kiss it. I freeze when someone engages with my daughter in ways that I know she is not comfortable with.
It infuriates me that I don't defend my daughter. I mean, this is a person she barely sees once a week, and I can feel her body recoiling against mine as the person comes up to her, so jubilantly greeting her and then giving her a kiss.
I could have stopped that!
I could have stepped back and said, "Hi so and so. We are also happy to see you, but we are not yet comfortable to show such physical affection. Taya hardly knows who you are. Please respect her boundaries."
I could have grabbed Taya's hand out of the man's hand who was getting ready to kiss her, and said, "That is not appropriate for us. Please offer her a high-five or a wave."
I personally do not feel comfortable with kissing people as a way of greeting. I know my daughter tends to be shy to greet even people she knows very well. I just am fighting so hard to overcome this ridiculous fear of offending people!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish that my desire to defend my daughter and help her to feel safe and guide her through social encounters in the most effective way was 1000 times stronger than my desire to not ruffle anyone's feathers.
This is what I want to change. Instead of freezing, I want to say,
"Stop touching my daughter's face and patting her head!!!!!"
"You can only kiss her if you kiss me, and I am absolutely not interested in kissing you."
"Ask her if you may pick her up before you barge up to this tiny human and grab her out of my arms or off of the floor!!!!"
"My daughter has personal space!"
"Just because she is small, doesn't mean you can do whatever you want!"
"No!!!! No touching, no kissing, no holding, unless she wants you to!!!"
Or maybe I don't have to be rude. That is just the frustration that I have pent up inside over the past two years of me trying to get this thing right.
I want everyone to respect that my daughter is a person, not "just a baby", and that she has likes and dislikes, and that she feels social awkwardness and uncomfortable.
Ask permission before touching, grabbing, kissing, hugging. Treat her with respect. No one would run up to an adult they barely know and grab their cheeks, coming within inches of their face and saying, "Hi, sweetie, you are so beautiful, aren't you? I could just eat you up!"
Sigh. Thank you for reading this. I really am working on getting this right, for my daughter's sake.
We struggled with that when our twins were premature newborns. Then we got all these stickers and tags for their stroller, car seat, etc. that said dont touch we are fragile and can get sick something like that. Once we saw that most people reacted fine to that, it got easier to say no. But yeah it’s tough you have to make an honest effort. But it’s only short term feeling of awkwardness your daughter is for always :)
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Wow, yes, it is absolutely essential with premmies that people keep their germy hands and kisses to themselves!!!!!
Thanks for that last sentence. I will keep it in mind as I prepare for our next social encounter...
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It's a tricky one as its such normalised behaviour. I guess you have to un-scialise, or pre socialise, Tara by telling HER it's good to say NO if she feels uncomfortable and getting her to recognise what those feelings are in the body. Xx
PS YOU ARE A GREAT MUM
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Thank you 😥😥. I think I needed to hear that after writing this post... we have started rehearsing some situations. She can emphatically say No kissing!! And if she knows we are going to see new people or enter a place with a lot of people, she will say, I no want to say hello. Then I know it's full-on helping her to stay comfortable while feeling super shy. It is getting slightly easier as she gets older...
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Yes, they come into their own. I never had that problem with my boy. They do sat boys are easier, but then, I worked hard to make him a man who could cook, do laundry, read literature and be feminist! He'd never kiss girls without asking ;P xxx
We can feel guilty in all sorts of ways. At 21, this Christmas he had spent time with his biological father and family in UK. Returning, him and his girl were telling us about the terrible parenting they saw going on. I joked 'so I didn't do that bad a job then?' and he insisted I did a GREAT job and they'd raise their own similarly. I was so relieved. I carry so much guilt... over nothing lol. We do the best we can. 💜💜💜
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what an honest and daring post vanessa...
its doesnt make you a bad mom, this is something from your personality which also defines YOU. and being conflictavoiding is also a good thing, it truly is!
and yeah, this is also a learning lesson for us all, to not just 'cuteycute' random people on the street
Thank you.... Since having a baby I have also learnt to realise that children really have serious social preferences. I cringe when I see a little girl holding onto her daddy's legs while an uncle is trying to pick her up and hug her. And this little girl just wants none of it!!! But the dad isn't doing anything because it's "normal" for a child to be forced to greet people in whatever way they want. And then at the same time I know how hard it is to go against that norm.
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Parenting is no joke to do the 'right' thing (and what is right even)..Respect for all of you guys!!
We appreciate your sharing!
Upvoted and resteemed!
Just so you know, I'm with you 100%! These social things are a bit tricky to maneuvre. It's even more daunting with older generation, when you are a bit (a lot!) older than the so-called millenials, and you have these weird ways of looking at things. You know who I am...I have given the two teenagers permission not to kiss and hug people (not even Ouma & Oupa) if they don't feel comfortable. I have already had some lamentations about how 'quiet' or 'eenkant' they are, but I will only engage when someone approaches me about it. So you know, do what is best for your kid. As much as we want to be respectful, our first responsibility is to protect our kids and to make them feel safe. We have to give them the freedom to say 'I don't want this'. I do however understand the hesitancy to speak out...but it will come, and it will be fine. Whatever happens afterwards will not be your war.
Wow, thank you for sharing this! I have similar struggles as this. I too get very frustrated when people (especially strangers) help themselves to a touch of my babies. I don’t care if it’s a pat on the head, a stroke of the hand or whatever, I wish people had the sense to ask permission before doing so. With all the germs and crazy folk in our day that’s just a no no! There have been many of times I was so angry with myself for not speaking up for my babies, not being their voice because they don’t have one yet. Most likely if we’re uncomfortable with it then they are too. I’ve gotten better though. I started acting before it happens. If I see someone reaching or coming close I grab up my babies and say something along the lines “we’re just really careful about the touching” or “it’s okay to say hi”...meaning get the hint and don’t touch.
So yes there are ways we can be kind but firm in protecting our babies. I love @riverflow’s suggestion. That’s what we’ve been teaching our kids (the ones that are old enough to comprehend) that it’s okay to say no. We even talk about situations or scenarios of when to say no. One thing that has really helped me to be more firm is knowing the fact their are so many children getting snatched and taken away from their families. I ask myself “am I endangering my child by letting them in this persons hands? Am I putting them at risk by letting this person touch them?” So yes, we have to be strong and throw peoples feelings out the window when it comes to keeping our babies safe.
You’re doing good mama!! You’re not in this alone ~ 💗