Once Suicidal, Now Free

It happened many years ago, but this is the first time I am writing about it. Truly, someone can look absolutely alright, yet deep within s/he is battling with feelings of depression that could draw him or her into the snare of suicide. Such state was I in for a long time as a teenager but thankfully I had victory over those thoughts and here I tell my story for the first time.

I was born into a family of five, the third son in a line of four, and the fourth born child. By every indices I was academically the brightest among my siblings, with a lot of academic recognitions as a young child.

The Gloom Sets In
At the age of Eleven (11), in the first major examination I took (called State Common Entrance Examination) which is the qualifying entrance exam into state government-owned secondary schools, I scored 35 points out of 36, and was the best in my state.

In the entrance examination into Federal Government-owned Secondary Schools, I scored 582 out of 600, which was one of the best results in Nigeria at that time. My result was so good that a top prestigious Federal Government Secondary School, to whom I didn't initially apply to, saw my sterling performance and wrote me a letter offering me admission. I was looking forward to taking the glorious opportunity, but my Mother said No!!, that I was going to no far place! My Dad allowed her opinion to stand, but I felt so sad.

As a child I nursed the ambition of joining the Nigerian Airforce. When I was due to take the entrance exam into the Nigerian Airforce Military School Jos, my Mum also blocked the move! My Dad let it stand for reasons unknown to me, and I felt as helpless as a pawn. My Mum insisted that I will go to a school close to home.

These events, in addition to others, left a sad imprint on my young heart. For years I despised my Mum, as I saw her as the one blocking my bright future and the one killing my burgeoning star. A number of times I thought of ending my life because I felt my mother didn't love me. Over the years I battled with depression, and would often take any available opportunity to lash out at my Mum and blame her for "killing my star".

The Turning Point
My healing came in 2016 when we had a family meeting. Once again, as in many other times, my Mum was at the receiving end of scathing criticisms this time from my younger brother. While it was going on, my Mum broke down in tears before us, started sobbing and asking to be forgiven. She said she never did any of those things to intentionally harm our future. Seeing her in tears broke my heart. Then little by little the pieces started coming together.

Sympathy
My Mum had endured years of trauma from the loss of her first-born child, a girl who died at the age of 16 from Leukaemia in her fourth year in Secondary school. When my sister was 12yrs and was set to enter secondary school, my Mum wanted her to attend one close by, but my Dad insisted on her attending a boarding secondary school, one which my Mum considered far. When my sister died my Mum blamed my Dad for her death, opining that if my sister had attended a closer school my Mum's watchful eyes would have noticed the leukaemia signs earlier on, and early medical intervention may have saved her. The medical validity of her assertion I cannot tell, but I got a glimpse into my Mum's heart that healed me.

It was apparent that my Mum acted the way she did towards me out of the trauma of the loss of her dearly beloved first child and first daughter. She was not prepared to lose another child, so she would rather that I stay close where she can easily have access anytime she needed to see me. She became overly protective.

I felt pity for her. The heart of a mother. I chose to forgive her, and in doing so I got my healing. While it can be argued that life for me might have taken a different path if she had let me take the opportunities that came my way, I choose to let go. I choose to see her love.

I'm now healed, I'm thankful for life, and I'll live my life to the fullest.