A Few (Unreasonable) Requests For Disney's Star Wars Park

WE'RE GETTING A STAR WARS THEME PARK, LIKE, ABOUT STAR WARS. YES, THAT STAR WARS. THE ONE WE LOVE AND QUOTE AND END RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE OVER BECAUSE DAMMIT MARK, THE EXPANDED UNIVERSE IS CANON.

Ahem. That said ...

If you're gonna make a Star Wars theme park, we have a few expectations that you need to fulfill. Nothing huge, but just slight prerequisites that happen whenever you attempt to construct an attraction based on a monumental world of fiction that the entire Universe as we know it has been obsessed with for 40 years. For instance, a lot of Disney parks have events where characters come out, do their shtick, and leave. And sure, you could have Han Solo come out, call Chewbacca a fuzzball, take some pictures with people, and leave. That'll be good for a quick, forgettable chuckle. Or you could, ya know, respect the tradition of Star Wars and have Han Solo step up onto a bridge that looms 300 feet above the park, stab him, and let us watch him drop as Chewbacca's vengeful scream booms from every speaker in Southern California.

You would do this every day at 12, 3, and 6, followed by a Harrison Ford impersonator Q&A where you're allowed to argue with him for as long as you want about who shot first. Again, these aren't demands. They are just requests that must be met.

Of course, you need rides. Star Wars is an amazing tale of adventure, and children around the world will be thrilled as they're locked into giant metal recreations of their favorite moments. But we don't want you to just paint any coaster lightsaber red and call it "Vader Mountain" or whatever. Before the kids are allowed to enjoy anything, their minds will be blown like the Death Star as they learn the ins and outs of Naboo trade regulation. And then a man dressed as Watto, trapped under unfathomable amounts of prosthetics and makeup, will righteously tell the children that they must either win the coaster or remain in slavery. What does that mean? They'll find out when they win the coaster.

Return Of The Jedi ends with a fireworks show to celebrate victory and redemption. The park should have those on certain nights, and as the families try to enjoy them, actors in tiny bear costumes will bother them ceaselessly. It should come to the point where parents are like "Why would you do this? Why not keep the same exciting, charming, yet serious tone of Empire Strikes Back?" "Nub chub," the little bear men will say, creeping into any and all important family photos.

Star Wars is full of games, all of which will be reconstructed with precise detailing. People will cheer at that results of that classic red/blue dice thing from Phantom Menace. Your children will Marvel (also owned by Disney, and don't you forget it) at seeing tiny monsters grotesquely beat each other to death, just as C-3PO and Chewbacca did in A New Hope. And don't forget the classic carnival shooting games. But there's only one hole that you aim for, and if you miss your shot, you get kicked out of the park. Because you failed your family, the rebellion, the galaxy, and George Lucas.

Speaking of George Lucas, VIP ticket holders should be able to take part in various After Dark events, where women in alien costumes will give you the weirdest boners ever -- boners that you never expected and will never tell your friends about. And premium guests will play park-wide Spot the Lucas scavenger hunts. George Lucas himself will rearrange different props during the day in ways that are equal parts distracting and goddamn unnecessary. And it'll be up to you to find these props, and be unable to do anything about them, because George will also destroy maps of the park layout as soon as he makes the changes.

I'm sure you'll find these requests to be reasonable. Deep down, we all care about Star Wars. And while we may disagree about the nitpicky things, we all just want this park to be fun and successful.