DESPERATE TO BE LOVED

"What can I do to make him want me?" she asked me.

There was a time I asked this same question, but it turns out it wasn't him I really needed to love me, it was someone far more important.

A memory came flashing back to me...

I was wearing a navy blue dress, my hair was long and up in a pony tail and I was sitting in my partner at the times truck begging him to choose me.

He was in love with another woman, and STILL I was trying to convince him I was worthy, I was loveable, I was valuable.

I thought that if he wanted me, chose me, loved me that it would mean I was finally acceptable. I had given this man so much of my power, so much time and so much of ME that I literally had nothing left.

I didn't understand that I didn't even truly want HIM - what I wanted was to feel like I MATTERED, like I was of value, and like I was CHOSEN.

I took a moment today and I wept for that woman in the truck. I wept for all the women who still believe they aren't worthy of love. The women who are still hanging onto assholes that treat them like garbage. The women who are still begging and pleading for love. The women who are willing to dull their sparkle, lower their standards and change who they are just to be wanted.

I know now who I was waiting to love me. I was waiting to love myself. I didn't know it then - COULDN'T know it. I was too broken and desperate to fill the hole in my heart to heal. I just wanted the instant relief I would experience when I heard "I love you," even if it was from a man who didn't really have it to give.

It was when I truly fell in love with myself and believed on a soul level that I deserved to be loved that I called in a High Value conscious man. Once I fell in love with me I no longer needed someone to save me or heal the hole in my heart.