My childhood ego formation is defined by being an undiagnosed Celiac and my parents divorcing. My spouse is defined by alcoholic parents, children's homes from age 5 and family separation and serial childhood sexual abuse by her Foster Father. I have a Bachelors Degree in Science majoring in Forestry from the University of Canterbury, New Zealand much to the amazement of the surgeon who diagnosed my Celiacs Disease in 2004. My career from the outset was impacted by the neoliberal philosophies first heralded by Margret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan in the 1980's that has lead to an economic system that has failed all but a few and right now is stealing Trillions of dollars from all global citizens to ensure the wellbeing of the global elite. They have conducted a financial war of unprecedented proportions since the GFC exploded all over their faces in 2008 as a result of extreme capitalist doctrines that failed the 99%. Greed, power and self-adornment were the only winners. Moral hazard was completely ignored as financial rules were changed (Particularly mark to market and free market principles that proved to be a sham) and welfare was afforded to the most wealthy while the most basic of living conditions were denied to a vast majority of Human Beings living on planet earth. Human Beings who are perfect at conception and have all the required attributes to prosper and expand humanity without further enhancement yet, for the most part, fail to reach their potential due to enforced ignorance and indoctrination. The most obvious example today is North Korea.
By 2010 my ego had been beaten down to a point where I had withdrawn to the sidelines of society. I had become a full-time Carer for my spouse in 2004 as a result of decisions by NZ's Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) to withhold compensation and prevent my wife from receiving inpatient care at a mental health facility. At this same time, the Government elected to install the worlds largest wind turbines on the range above our home of 14 years. We had purchased the home in the small village of Ashhurst to raise our small infant children. It was a desirable Cape Cod design on a quarter acre and had unimpeded views of the ranges and the horizon. We loved our property. These turbines created a major visual and noise nuisance and as we were already teetering on the edge of sanity I decided to run away to Australia.
My wife was excited at the prospect of escaping the area where her convicted abuser resided, yet she was highly medicated and understood very little of what was going on. I had to be vigilant, as over the years she had developed very creative and cunning ways of abusing medications in her many attempts to overdose. Several times I had to call the ambulance to take her into Accident and Emergency to be monitored while drugs passed through. On other occasions, she slept for days while the drugs wore off.
I had no idea where in Australia we were going to live and I got to the point where I thought it was a harebrained idea but somehow once I had let the idea escape from my lips it took on a life of its own; we were swept up in planning. Maybe it was the fresh air of a new adventure. Something to wake us up from our self-pity. Nonetheless, we had to do something, as my wife was not improving and deep in the doldrums.
I looked at more sensible alternatives. Somewhere in NZ that had a better climate, less gloomy weather. A blue sky is very healing. Unfortunately, although Ashhurst house prices had risen, they had not risen anywhere as much as the places we found to fit our desires. Of course, this rise in value was all due to what would become known as the Global Financial Crisis or GFC, perpetrated by a corrupt global banking industry. In order to survive on the Invalids Allowance, we had continually increased the mortgage on our home and when we sold and when our new income was assessed by the banks there was no way we could qualify for a loan on any of the houses on offer. in fact, we would not be able to afford our own home.
We were certainly strangers to the whole Australian State vs Federal Government system. After a family discussion, we decided to use Google as our dart on a dartboard confined to Queensland because it was warm. We wanted to be among true blue Aussies and preferably by the Ocean in a city no larger than 30,000 people. We ended up with Maryborough and further refined the location to Hervey Bay. We couldn't have chosen any better although at the time we had no clue of where or what Hervey Bay was about.
I decided that the whole interior of our home needed repainting if we were to maximise the value, unfortunately, in August 2006 while hastily cutting up wood with my chainsaw in the rain, to set a fire for a potential house buyer I cut the large tendon in my foot off. Fortunately, I was wearing steel toe cap boots. My wife was unclear what to do as she was in a constant fog from medications of SSRI's and an experimental treatment of Seroquel, so I rang 111 and an Ambulance was despatched. The foot was operated on that afternoon and so began several weeks of recovery in a moon boot. I had to spend four nights in the hospital and rely on family to look after my wife and 10-year-old son. Our 15-year-old son who went to school in the city helped as much as he could.
One night my son got home from primary school and the house was locked up and my wife was inside. He had to go next door to get help from the neighbours. They got into the house and took Anne to the Dr's for observation after taking to much medication. All the while keeping me informed while I lay in Hospital. She should have been admitted to the hospital considering our situation. They certainly didn't consider the predicament with regard our two boy's still at home with their unwell and overdose, recovering mother who was comatose in her bed. I think your standard breed of GP staff doesn't really care what happens to suicidal patients and because they survive they say they just wanted attention, otherwise, they wouldn't be here yet the truth, in my opinion, is victims underestimate the number of drugs a body needs before it will give up though. I also know, that from the quantities and types of drugs my wife took, it was miraculous that her body endured the abuse.
This Chainsaw accident slowed our progress, but it did not stop it as the air travel tickets to Brisbane for all five of us had already been purchased. So I single-handedly coordinated the sale of all our worldly possessions including all but a few of our children's belongings. They were each allowed to fill one suitcase with their belongings to take on the plane. Unfortunately in my haste to escape, I failed to consider the situation regarding our eldest boy (18) who was on a foreign student exchange in Oklahoma. So I kept what I felt he would consider important and let him know we had left his home and he would never return to the childhood home.
What I couldn't sell, we donated to charity or simply gave away. I continued to paint the entire house interior including internal doors. Unfortunately, we were unable to sell the house before we moved. I considered renting it but decided it was best to cut all ties and start afresh. We flew to Australia on Sunday, January 21st, 2007. We finished cleaning and clearing what was left in our home at 1:30 am on Sunday 21st. We had to be at Palmerston North International Airport at 5:30 am. Somehow we managed to get some sleep and just managed to make the flight. All our friends and family were there to see us off and they wondered if we were even going to make the flight as there was no sign of us, just our two older children who had stayed with others that night. My Dads parting comment was "Just get to your holiday rental and stop for awhile, take some time for yourself". He was right, I was mentally exhausted but always found the reserves to keep going, keep fighting the noble fight against the authorities who always seemed to be our foe. I guess, although I had become a victim, I was a capable one. I had perfected the art!
I had managed to raise $5000 from the sale of all our furniture and belongings to take with us to Australia. Our success in moving to Hervey Bay, Queensland was going to rest on our ability to sell our home before we ran out of money. yet we were last to make it and because of the severe nature of my wife's mental injuries we applied for and were granted the only support now available to New Zealanders living in Australia on a Special Category Visa. A Disability Pension; this is paid from NZ under the terms of the Social Security Treaty agreed by both Countries and topped up by the Australian Government to match what they pay to their own citizens. When we arrived in Australia, as a family we were so beaten down by just trying to retain our house and sense of wellbeing after several years of financial hardship brought about by the revelation that my wife's Foster father had sexually abused her and then unknown to me and willfully withheld from me; a generation later molested our daughter and eldest of our four children.
In 2011 I was faced with more personal trauma as a result of events that affected my daughter and because of political issues in Australia with regard New Zealanders and their rights to Government assistance I had to advise my daughter to go back to NZ so that she could survive. gave up wondered what could be the answer; why did the same things keep happening like Ground Hog Day. For the continued repetition of pain to keep visiting I concluded I had to be the creator of this pain. I Googled by translating my thoughts as a search phrase as best I could and discovered that I was playing the victim, I was using the trauma as an excuse to justify my failure to achieve my life's goals. I had resigned myself to failure and believed I was indeed not capable. To reinforce that excuse I would attach my thoughts to events that explained the failure this meant I was fixated on those events to justify my continued victim status so I identified as a victim whose role was the slayer of all problems.
Most of us will never be released from this self-imposed exile. For the very few and very lucky ones, realisation comes early but for many, it takes years of headbanging. If the desire to take ones life can be thwarted in the face of unimaginable pain, then the victory is the inevitable and complete destruction of the self (Realisation that the Ego is a false and insignificant self) while still living. This happens through what is termed a "Dark night of the soul".
For me the point of recognition came after planning for the worst, things got even worse, it was then that the folly was revealed - admittedly as a result of the 30 years of study I had put into writers like Paul J Meyer, Napoleon Hill, Jose Silva and the late Wayne W. Dyer; the truth was revealed. I recommend Dyer's "Excuses Begone!", the work of Guy Finley and "The Work" programme developed by Byron Katie.
My apparently privileged world was ruined by my parents when I was in my early teens when they separated and ultimately Divorced.
This event set up a lose/lose situation by emotionally attaching a conclusion to the events I was presented. That conclusion was, that the World is an intergalactic prison and we are here to be punished. I still have my fathers letter, in reply to my letter of hopelessness that I wrote to him when I was 16 back in 1974 describing this view of the World. A view that set up my hell on earth, a hell that would leave me a gift that few will ever know but hopefully more of the oppressed are waking up too.