figuring it out

Dear Steemit,

As I've mentioned so many times before, I have social anxiety. I'm starting to stop thinking of myself this way, but it remains the best way to explain it to others. Over the past few years, since being diagnosed, I have 'ruined' my life in many ways and taken drastic measures just to avoid anxiety I did not believe I could handle. People have been telling me that I never got the help I needed, I've been wasting time, throwing my life away, and getting worse everyday. I get really defensive about this because I feel as though the decisions I've made have been for the best, but I realize now that I really don't know.

I don't know if I've gotten better or worse, I definitely don't know if I can justify my decisions. Some I regret because I know I can't rewind and take back opportunities I missed. It makes me defensive when people view me as a failure or weak, but on my own, in my own way, I'd like to be honest with myself.

So I've decided to make a list.

I don't know how it will turn out, and I will try my best to not be biased and rig it to get the response I'm hoping for, which is that I did, in fact, heal. Even just a little. So here it goes!

Ways I have gotten worse:

• Phones scare me a lot more than they did. I go to great lengths trying to get out of it. Creating alibis, paying people to do it for me, etc.
• Gotten more awkward around friends from school, even over text. I can manage but it used to be a lot easier.
• More vocal about my mental illness, which should be an improvement, except it makes it easier for me to get out of situations that trigger my anxiety. Instead of trying I can just say I can't, so that's what I often do.
• Sometimes I don't even want to be seen, even if I don't have to talk. Still get uncomfortable being around people. Not sure if this has gotten worse, but definitely not better.

Ways I have gotten better:

• I can make skype calls to a few online friends I have known for years.
• I can go to the doctor alone. I haven't actually tested it yet but I feel ready. First I just feel to be put into a life threatening situation, because otherwise, it's not worth it.
• Don't mind using the ATM at my bank alone now. Used to want someone with me 'just in case.'
• Have held and even initiated some conversation with relatives. Usually forced into the situation, but try to make the best of it and not make everyone uncomfortable with my silence.
• Can calm myself when I'm not in the situation I'm afraid of. Mental preparation is now useful while it used to just be additional anxiety.
• I can sometimes see a future where I am better. Not completely, but able to enjoy life again. Want to try making it a reality. I used to want to give up, felt hopefully.
• Started gaining some confidence. After being told a bunch of times, to my surprise, that I was a good conversationalist, I felt more comfortable entering myself into social environments.
• I have an easier time letting mistakes go now. I used to beat myself up over stupid things I'd say, and I still do but far less. Realized other people didn't care as much as I did.

So there it is.

I'm sure right after I post this I'll get many more ideas, but so far I think it's looking good. Of course, this is just a list and doesn't need to mean anything, but I think I've made progress. Even in a two step forward one step back sort of way. But at the very least, now I know what I should be working on. :)