You are amazing to put yourself out there like that.
One of things that people do is to think they need to learn how to control anger or to understand why, at a mental level.. But, the amazing part is that you actually recognize you are NOT THE ANGER, which is why the search has begun.
I still have not decided if people can actually move directly to ease or does everyone have to go thru years of trials, learning, exasperation, and mental torment.
I feel like I went thru nearly the same process as you are speaking of here. I also, then spent about 10 years trying to process or understand or learn how to deal with the anger.. It wasn't until I bypassed all the psychological mumbo jumbo that I really found peace. Terrible thoughts and experiences kept arising, and it wasn't until I was in a deep pit, down in the darkest of holes, that I finally gave up the mental effort - and everything changed in a moment.
I'm still settling into this new ease, but the magic happened nearly instantly. It just took things to get very bad, so much torment, so much exasperation with the world, the war, the environmental destruction, seeing so many with nothing, starving, and me working myself to death just to survive..
I congratulate you on speaking out..
Thanks you, It was hard for me at first but having it featured by @sirwinchester and "distancing" it from my blog made it a little easier.
Yes, I also have the instinct to control it too. Yet when I approach it that way I seem to only be able to repress that part of myself. So my new approach is to mature it through awareness, expression of many different kinds, and letting go of what cause me to feel angry in the first place.
I think It's a mix between both those options. I do not think it has to take year, but I do think that there has to be some sort of consistent routine that change the patterns of how one reacts when that energy is active.
It is a very intense process and takes a certain amount of trust in ones self. Yes exactly, In my opinion psychology has the problem of lingering on the "problem" for to long, which actually increase the issue after a while. Focusing on the issue only help to the extent of gaining awareness of that aspect of ones self. Precisely, what was happening you when it seemed to get worse, was it actually finally releasing within you everything that you stored. Resisting or suppressing emotion is a lot like struggling in quick sand; It's not going to work and will only increase the strength of the quicksand(emotions) that you are fighting. Then once you finally let go, the dam is broken and everything that was repressed or resisted is released, having to deal with all the emotions all at once.
Letting go and forgiving is an amazingly powerful renewal. Often our perspective of the outside "world" is just a reflection of our inner world. People will become aware of only things that match their inner world, otherwise they won't even notice it even if it's right beside them. You have changed inside and instead of looking at all the problems that exist around you, now you are seeing ways that there can be a solution to those things.
Thank you, and thank you for sharing your story. Another big reason I shared was to hear about other peoples stories, just like you :)