Overcoming shyness

What is shyness? Shyness, in one sense then, represents an unwillingness to engage with others for fear of being embarrassed, or a feeling of discomfort or reticence in social or interpersonal situations that keeps you from pursuing your goals, whatever they may be. Shyness is the result of excessive self-focus and worry.

There are different types of shyness: the most common one is the situational shyness and a less common one, chronic shyness. The former refers to the phenomenon of becoming fearful or inhibited in certain situations. The obligation to initiate action in a group setting or in an unstructured settings provoke reactions that can be described as thoughts (cognitive), feelings (affective), behavior (resulting in a withdrawal from the difficult situation), or physiological. Chronic shyness involves the avoidance and/or fear of most situations involving contact with others. Whether it is situational or chronic shyness, individual experiencing it will report feeling some degree of disconnection with others and a desire for closer bonds with people in their lives.

Shyness is somehow normal for human beings to experience. The most recent research suggests that at any given point in time, close to 50% of the general population report that they currently experience some degree of shyness in their lives. Two of the biggest reason for shyness is culture and technology. Different cultures clearly have different definitions of what is normative interpersonally and socially but a person’s own definition of his/her degree of shyness may be at least somewhat dependent on the cultural background and ethnic identity. Technology is also appearing to be the growing cause of shyness; the rising numbers of shy young adults is due in part to the growing dependence on non-human forms of communication (think facebook, text messages, etc). Isn't it easier to text someone when you want to confront him or her about something rather than speaking one-on-one?

So okay, some people are shy, some more shy than others, and indeed, not everyone can be as confident as James Bonds or Harvey Specter (Gabriel Macht in “Suits”), but fortunately this condition can be remediated by a few techniques. First, focus outwards, away from your shyness. People love you when you find them interesting. Overcoming shyness isn't about suddenly thinking you're great. It's more about forgetting yourself and focusing outward. Ask questions. Be curious. Put the stage lightning on them, not you. Become genuinely interested in other people, and you will start to become more relax in engaging with people in either social or even professional situations.

Second, don’t forget to smile! It costs nothing, but creates much. Shy people are often misdiagnosed as unfriendly, aloof, or 'stuck up'. Shyness can make us look unapproachable. Research has found that we find people who smile and look directly at us more attractive*. And people are 86% more likely to strike up conversations with strangers in the street if they are smiling.

Thirds, expose yourself to the situations that make you shy. This is probably the most effective way to overcome shyness in the long term. This is a long, sometimes hard, process and yes, facing your fears is uncomfortable but so is making mistakes and learning from them. The idea here is to get out of your comfort zone.

Fourth, accept rejection. Accept the possibility that we can be rejected and learning to not take it personally. Everyone experiences rejections many times in their lives and at different degrees but it is part of life and part of the learning process, deal with it. A lot of shy people often take things far too seriously… so what if you get rejected? Lighten up and keep things in perspective. What works well is when you start taking yourself not seriously, it opens a whole new world. Embrace joking about yourself with others; people will light up to you and be naturally attracted by the easy-going, insusceptible nature of your character.

Getting over shyness takes time, but it can be done. It’s a skill, an attitude, a state of mind, and it can be learned. Being confident and outgoing will make your life so much better and you will naturally have more opportunity in your life than ever before.

*Claire Conway and colleagues at the University of Aberdeen in Scotland found that both men and women deemed faces looking straight at them to be more attractive and more likable, even if the faces looked disgusted. Though unsurprisingly, there was a greater preference for smiles.