Sherlock Holmes in the case of the strange wireless

These crosses means the wireless is playing +++ Wireless+++

How might it have been if Holmes and Watson grew into great age together with all the forgetfulness and infirmities that age brings?

And Moriarty, Holmes’s arch rival would be doddering around still and causing trouble; perhaps by using modern technology such as the wireless to agitate in any way he can to cause the most disturbance by some dastardly machine that can interrupt the wireless waves and put his voice there, even though he sits in his wheelchair and is housebound.

And if Holmes is still taking opium or even cannabis then one might expect the wireless to talk to him.

And perhaps Holmes and Watson would decide to go on one last adventure together, and where better than Singapore where it’s nice and warm. But they’d better get a move on for the grim reaper is on their trail…

The ones who have gone before have blazed a bright stream of light all across the sky just for us to follow if we want...
And now children, let us throw our books straight through the window and jump into the air and let the slipstream take us away...

Will that be one attempt or two, Holmes?

Yes, there was Watson the frequent minion who came forward to protest in his prudent catharsis and extrapolating love on the blind from the think tank he used on every denial that came his way over easy or otherwise to shore up his reason where the shadows of his desire danced warm in the sun of all he knew.

Yes, he was an old time dancer and blew his trumpet red every Friday over at the ballroom of his delight.

And I saw you there too, he would say in the aftermath where the waking up was most peculiar.

Further to this, as Holmes’s confidant, he would repeat the question over and over: “One attempt or two, Holmes?” to which there was never any answer to satisfy the asking. Well, if we are not amused then what are we?

So over the years they’d grown used to the idea of each other, and nothing ever changed apart from an odd shuffle or two to put the cat out and fetch the whisky bottle to ease the long night away; or so it was said, because of course, appearances can be deceptive.

When a fathomless moment of inequity bumped into his right elbow unobtrusively like two goldfish in a bowl suddenly touching, a light came on in Watson’s eyes and out he came with his legendary utterance: “One attempt or two, Holmes?”

But before an answer could come, voices from the wireless waves came over the air:

+++You know, you can only be young forever once, after that you grow old and die; so if you’ve been thinking of writing a stiff letter to the authorities, well, you’d better get on with it before the end comes and you turn into a Velbian jelly.

Right-o; and what did you do last night, Jimmy?

Last night, sir? Last night I woke up screaming and attacked an intruder in my room...found it was just the dark clothes hung over a rack...the rack is now dead. But most times if I wake up I don't know where I am, sir...

Yes indeed; and if we didn't have a little bit of wind now and again, where would the farts go?

I don’t know; where would they go, sir?

They’d go here and then they’d go there and then they’d not go anywhere.

Quite right too, sir…

I wonder; can you help me?

Certainly, what’s the problem?

I put 2 cats out and one came in. An hour later all the cats ran out. This got me to thinking: how many cats do I have?

Hmm, let me think...

Yes, I believe nothing I believe is true, Jimmy.

Finger rot at five percent and tuppence a belly come to mama.

Welly willy words up nip nip.

And the band played on… for today we are lip reading in the fattened sweet-milk of our lives.

But the thief ate my cakes and now I must believe the voices that come unbidden if I know what’s good for me:

Ship to shore, ship to shore?

Yes, this is ship to shore; what do you want, over?

You must put your guns down now and roll your eyes to heaven.

Si… said the little man looking out over his toadstool.

An advanced difference engine advanced upon this scene to make a difference but ran out of steam.

Oh I do say, by Jingo; what a pickle.

And then the king offered me a drink for my troubles

Don’t touch that, it’s the edge of the soul my good man.

Edge of the soul?

Never mind…

I say…

Yes…

If nuppence is less than thrupence, how much is a jar of pickles?

I don’t know; how much is a jar of pickles?

Well, one and six of course, didn’t you learn anything at school?

No, not really.

Next!

If they don’t shut us down they’ll turn us up towards the moon inside the cup where they will ask: “What have you got to say to that?”

Not a lot.

I say: are there evil wise ones?

Oh-oh, now you’ve got me thinking.+++

Holmes?.

Yes, Watson?

Shall I turn the wireless off now?

Yes, turn it off, for the love of god, turn it off.

Click.

1.2.3.4...

Ah, Watson?

What?

There’s no-one else here but you and me...

Well, all the more for us then, what Holmes?

Is that all you’ve got to say?

Pretty much…

Images from Pixabay

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