It's an excellent topic of debate and a common issue in many relationships. Is not feeling like having sex a legitimate reason for not having it? The problem with refusing your partner sex is that you may be leaving him/her feeling like his/her needs aren't being met. Your partner's ego may take a big hit. Feeling desired is an important aspect of arousal for many people. A repeated pattern of the refusal of sexual acts may leave your partner emotionally wounded and can sometimes lead to a sexless relationship, divorce/break up, or an affair.
Many feminists believe that a woman shouldn't have to do anything she doesn't want to. This sounds logical at first thought but when considering the consequences, partners are often left feeling neglected/undesired/sad/unsatisfied. Many would agree that a rewarding relationship requires self-sacrifice from both partners.
In my experience, communication is the most important and effective way to deal with most if not all sexual hardships. I am dedicated to bringing all aspects of myself to the table with complete honesty in my relationship. I am aware that sometimes it is very difficult for me to communicate my feelings/fears in a timely matter. I sometimes fear I will be looked down upon or hurt my lover's feelings. It always turns out that he doesn't judge me or take offense. He acknowledges my feelings and cares about them. I realize not every man/woman reacts this way but I still believe honesty is most important for the success of a relationship. Nobody likes wishing sex was over before it has begun but if you are a sexual being, which most are, I think you can choose which thoughts you allow yourself to focus on. I recommend to become a witness to your thoughts and to encourage yourself to focus on things that are arousing; you love your partner, your desire to satisfy him/her, or the fact that you are making him/her feel good. Focus on being present and feel the sensations.
I have come to discover that most of the times that I don't feel like having sex are because I'm not ready for it right then and I may just need a little more time to warm up than my boyfriend does. Ladies and gents, don't be embarrassed to help yourself out or to ask your lover for some assistance. I think many women/men want to be more sexual but when the moment arrives they may get discouraged by some of their thoughts that pop up. A common example would be, "I'm not in the mood." If you accept this belief, you really won't be in the mood. Know that you can change your mind. Open yourself up to the idea that it can actually be enjoyable for you and a good release.
I know it sounds like I am pushing the idea that you should have sex every time your partner wants, even if you don't want to. I don't necessarily agree that you should every time. Maybe you are just too tired or stressed out. I do think that we should make the effort to please the person we love and do whatever we can to satisfy their needs. I am also aware that this advice may not be suitable for every relationship. Sex can be painful for some people and some people have had traumatic sex-related experiences.
If you care about the happiness of your partner I think it is important to make an effort to be empathetic towards their needs and desires and to let them know how they can help you to help them. Maybe you are simply too tired to have sex, let them know but I advise you to refrain from excuses because that doesn't help either of you in the long run. It's easy to focus on your own story and forget that your lover has one too.
I am hoping to receive your input and opinions on this topic. These are just my opinions and my sexual life isn't perfect but I can definitely say that practicing communication and empathy for my partner has led me to the best sex I have ever had...
The reason I wrote this post is because I think everybody should feel special and sexy and to help those who have had similar sex-related issues as I.
With Love,
J
TruthMomma
Truthmomma.com
I never,ever have sex if I don´t feel like it. And I would never,expect someone to have sex if they don´t feel like it. I can change my mind,but then it has to come spontaneously. I live in a polyamorous relationship though,so my girlfriend(who wants sex way more often than me) is free to seeek out other partners. Polyamory is the solution IMO.
But if you want to please your partner sexually more often(and yourself) then look for ways to increase your sex drive instead. Work less and get more sleep,that is what works for me. Spice things up, communicate,all the ususal advice..
in my particular relationship we have a 5 month old daughter and we don't find much time for sex so when we have an opportunity to we may not both feel like it. I know that I can get myself in the mood with some effort. I'm not sure how effective methods are for increasing sex drive for women. My sleeping patterns are up and down depending on baby's sleep. We aren't interested in a polyamoroius relationship. I don't think anyone should have to have sex if they really don't want to but I think it's fairly easy for people to get themselves in the mood if they make some effort. And it doesn't hurt your lovers feelings.
Congratulations -Very good - you are right -communication is the top issue.
Thanks for sharing. Quick tip, it seems like your Truthmomma.com link at the bottom is just linking back to this article. Try something like this:
[Truthmomma.com] (http://truthmomma.com "Truthmomma Homepage")
without the space in between the brackets. It should show up like this: Truthmomma.com
Thank you so much I really appreciate the help :)
You sum up the main issues quite nicely.
I would add a suggestion: It's far too simplistic to just talk about having or not having sex. Because that's a yes/no question.
Imagine asking instead "How do you want to have sex?"
Very true. It is so important to receive stimulation in the ways that feel good for you... There are many ways to have sex. I think communication is key here as well.
It's natural for me to express what I like - and yet I encounter partners who take this as some sort of criticism of their psychic abilities to know exactly what I want ;)
Hahaha yes and many people just assume their partner should just know what they want without explaining it to them... And when they don't they are left unsatisfied. It's so easy to be satisfied if you voice your desires! It's silly, really. I guess it's just something we have to learn to become comfortable with.
Well said, pussycat.