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I encourage you all to read the book 'Sex at Dawn'. Link: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7640261-sex-at-dawn. It is written by a pair of evolutionary psychologists who challenge our status quo relationship with both our sexuality and our practice of monogamy. The clutch of the book revolves around the idea that as foragers, hunter/gatherers humans were much more egalitarian, peaceful and sexual liberal mirroring our closest animal counterparts bonobos and chimpanzees. The theory continues stating that the advent of agriculture created the idea of private property, specialization, class division and finally more violence. Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha bring an expertise and depth that I cannot even pretend to mimic, so please refer to them to a proper explanation of their ideas. They are excellent writers and the read is thoroughly enjoyable.
Below I have posted a response to the book and to one of my friend's behavior. For context, they (Friend) are currently a polyganist and I(Writer) borderline on sexual addiction. We've had many conversations questioning our society (specifically American) attitudes and behaviors regarding sex, platonic relationships, greed and the like. This is a continuation of our multi-year conversation, heavily influenced by the ideas stated in 'Sex at Dawn'.
Dear Friend,
I've finished the book and I have good news and neutral news! Good news, I had protected sex with a stranger last night and it still felt nice. :)
Anyway, neutral news, I'm going to go on a rant. So... this book is interesting and...unfortunately I don't think it justifies your five girlfriends. Sorry Friend. Polygamy, yes. Polygany, no. The inherit question is, are you a gorilla? Then secondly, are you a chimp or bonobo? If the answer is no to both of these answers, then there might be an issue with rampant sexual activity (guilty here). The gorilla conquers and hoards, while the apes don't really build much of anything. Right? The intent to romance or eroticism is to build social cohesion. In doing so selectively, human becomes active and effective, in my opinion, even pre-agriculture. (I say selectively, but I really mean, longingly in the most basic sense of the word. Humans have the longest sex out of the apes, for what? Yes the sheer biological factor, but the authors graze over this question to my frustration. What does longer copulation mean in terms of mental development, emotional development? Copulation is such a vulnerable state, why do we take so long if not to savor, to relish the bond being made? Does our prolonged sex mean we value it more than the other apes? And then evolutionary, if that is the case, does this greater pleasure/emotional value add to the group's effectiveness/inventiveness as a species?) Sum: why don't apes create art?
I digress, seems like the idea is still to develop (a) close relation(s) with one to two partners and participate in extramarital sex. (Which... I've considered. At current, my ideal is to have one partner and sex on the side...but since for gay men, its basically all about pleasure with a hint of bonding, I'm not even sure a gay relationship makes sense outside of our cultural paradigm. I'll be figuring this out for a bit...Then there was that time where I had sex with a guy who was in an "open marriage" but I felt really awful after. Not only like a tool, but the fact that he wasn't going to tell his spouse felt really diminishing for me, and them All cultural?) For a heterosexual relationship(s), you will want somebody(ies) who are interested in creating and maintaining with you. The investment aspect is critical. Ergo, I'm unsure you will be able to build the investment effectively if you're chasing five hares.
You say, Writer, where did you get this magic number from? Well, two things.
- The first, is that for better or probably worse, we do live in an agricultural society replete with hierarchy, religion, social customs and the like. Additionally, we're way deep into an anonymous society, wherein social cohesion is fractured by the sheer number of people, thus diminishing our capacity to form meaningful communities in which we could frolic in many vaginas. Unless you start a commune, you'll be lucky if one person wants to watch you play civ at 90. Five would be some strange miracle, however, like with all gifts, laden with burdens, politics (why Mohammad multiple married, if you're interested) and unimaginable torments (five angry people, all for different reasons, yikes!). So maybe three heads are better than two....or four, I dunno. And then, what if you lose a head, do you grow it back, hydra-like? Do you grow two in its place?
- The second point, is my personal relationship with polygany. My sister was in a polyganous marriage before she passed. It's less that our family was upset that she was considered the "second" wife and more that as she was going through her most difficult period "he is not going to be there..." (her words, not mine. She also went on to state that she liked the arrangement ((point Friend)) and I believe that to a degree. I'm not sure if at that point she had any choice but to like it....certainly the "first" wife didn't.) This man called her a wife and couldn't show up to chemo appointments, stroked her while she before she passed and then had the audacity to call himself family. He couldn't look us in the eye. I bring this up not to accuse you of such behavior, rather to state the obvious: can you call it love, if you can't be the love you call it? I just have to leave this example with no real conclusion...its just something contextual to chew on.
OK! The last point (I told you it was a rant.) What about that sexual energy? (Returning to the first paragraph.) So, agriculture makes us less happy, messes up society, ay yar yar...So why did we do it? You see how some societies didn't, but the majority did? Is it just a case of monkey see, monkey do? Or did the Fall from Eden come with the Knowledge of the Apple? What is that apple worth? This I have no answer for. (Are agriculturist the lucifarians?) I'm sitting here, wondering, would I trade it all for ignorant bliss and holiness...? (I desperately want to say yes and yet, I exist here, how strange...) ...Anyway, there's some quote in the book, that says that our society and civilization is built off of pent up sexual angst and desire. That sexual energy must be important for doing stuff, for creating things other than sex...like 'music, melodies, prayers, babies' (Badu) and yes, while religion has been used as a tool of oppression, wasn't its intention to liberate us from confusion? The concert of coherence regarding sex (be careful and selective when choosing mates, orgies are fleeting affairs) is curious, to say the least. It's almost as if they're saying in chorus 'yes you could have sex all day all the time and be 'free,' or you could learn what freedom actually is.' Alternatively, 'what is the difference between emptiness and emptiness?' What manifests from directed sexual energy aside from frustration? Is war solely a violent release of blue balls?
Now Friend, as you know, I have no legs to stand on. I'm also not here to lecture you. I've been enjoying this long conversation we've been having about this. I wish you happiness and wisdom from the true of my heart. Nothing I say or do will change your behavior, and this isn't my intention. That said, I do think that a course correction may be in order, for both of us. Then again...sexual liberat~i~o~n! Getting l~a~i~d! warm holes! more! more!
::sigh:: Thoughts?
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