It is not that I am not attracted to men or that I haven't tried, I just....can't.
So, as you may know if you follow me and read my blog about being a slut in my past, I still have enjoyed sex. I just never had penetrative orgasms. (and often none at all, almost always really) Why I still enjoyed sex is complicated and not what this blog is about. I like sex with my partner because I like the closeness and still get excited. And when they are a good lover, I get off, clitorally. But, why i wanted to have sex with people I didn't know that well, why I was promiscuous? I don't know maybe I had unresolved issues or maybe I just found it exciting for other psychological reasons, maybe both?
I can and do have clitoral orgasms
Though I haven't been having sex due to IC related pain I do and have masturbated, usually with toys and am capable of a clitoral orgasm. But most guys aren't satisfied with this. They feel they are failing when I can't get off from penetration and I feel like I am failing and often times both of us are left unsatisfied. I have often wondered what it feels like for other women when they get off from their "G-spot" or why I am not experiencing it. It's not something I have ever talked about much as it's kind of embarrassing but I have definitely though about it enough.
I wondered if it was something to do with my childhood sexual trauma, or just my anatomy, or maybe that trauma broke me? I honestly have no idea. But the more I started looking into it, googling and what not, the more I found I wasn't alone. Many women were anonymously asking what was wrong with them for not being able to have orgasms during penetrative sex. I wonder now how many women are experiencing the same thing I am and just not talking about it, maybe even faking orgasms? I have never tried to fake it and am always up-front about what I can/cannot do sexually and what I need to get off...which is a specific type of clitoral stimulation, and sometimes a little butt stuff.
I don't think this means sex can't be fun and enjoyable
One thing I have tried to explain to my partners is that I still enjoy sex even though I don't necessarily get-off the same way, or as easily as other women. I still have animalistic urges. I still enjoy passion and excitement. I still get turned on and I can still get off. (this is all disregarding my current and recent issues with medical stuff that makes me unable to have painless sex) I don't feel I am really missing out because I have never experienced whatever I am missing. The only reason I am self-conscious about it is because I know it's a thing and a lot of men have been unsatisfied because of it.
Maybe there needs to be less focus on the penetration in general? I know, personally, a lot of my sex has been lacking in foreplay and clitoral stimulation. I also wonder how much my nerves have to do with it. I read that being nervous during sex can cause women not to orgasm and I am usually nervous. I don't know. I don't know the answer to why I seemingly have no G-spot and I don't know if it'll ever change but I felt like writing about it after finding out many other women are silently worried about their lack of orgasm in the bedroom.
Oh, another thing, if your partner wants it try being open to toys in the bedroom.
I once got dumped by a guy for owning a vibrator and had several partners that were anti-toys. Some women need that extra help, it doesn't mean they don't like you inside them and don't enjoy having sex it just means their anatomy is a bit different than whatever you are used to dealing with. Try being open-minded. That's always my motto in the bedroom. I once let a guy pie me in the face during sex because that was his thing. Did I get off on it? No. But he did, and I laughed.
Photos:
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Hey Laura, well I am deff no expert but from my experience the woman`s anatomy is very complex. Vaginas can vary in a wide range from girl to girl, I have been with women who can have 3 to 5 orgasms in one night and then have found others who have such a hard time, some g-spots are easy to find while some others I never found and I think that they never did either. I was once with a girl who could only have an orgasm if sex was really hard and fast!.. it was the only way for her.
In a way, I dont think it would be any fun to be with them so its good that they broke up with you... in the bed enviroment I feel people should always be open and honest..
Best of Luck!
Thanks for the input from the male perspective! It's good to know I may not be that abnormal afterall. It is just something most women are too embarrassed to talk about, myself included.
Ah, but you did talk about it, and that is impressive. Ever read any James Althucher?
He blogs in a similar manner to you.
Oh, no I have not. I will check him out. :D
I think if two people really care about each other, they try to understand each other's needs and satisfy them as best as they can. Try being open minded; yes!
I agree. :) I have had very satisfying sex with attentive partners despite my lack of that one type of orgasm, at least I can have one the other way. ^_^
I have been a Pure Romance Director for 4 years and studied a lot about sex from some of the top experts in the field. 9 out of 10 women need clitoral stimulation to have their orgasm. You are in the norm. This also changes for some women at different stages in life. Enjoy what works for you!
Wow. Thanks. I was always made to feel I am not in the norm. Really glad I posted this blog because it seems the opposite. :)
Thinking out of the box here: Girl masturbates (or both, while looking at eachother, whatever :p) and right before her orgasm, she lets the guy penetrate her, she keeps masturbating and she has an orgasm. If you're dealing with a minuteman you might even orgasm together! :D This method might reprogram/condition your body to link penetration with orgasm. If not, it's a fun sexperiment ^^
I have problems orgasming from penetration too.
For me:
I have looked into it a lot and found that it's likely having to do with sexual abuse growing up. I have discussed it at length with my therapist and she agrees. It's also probably why though I'm attracted to men for relationships sexually I'm a lot more attracted to women.
I was sexually abused in childhood too and as I said I always wondered if that was related. I haven't been to a psychiatrist. Thank you for the input. I am attracted to both men and women, but have been steering toward women lately.
From what I know there's lots of women that can't orgasm during penetration alone, and the ones that can, don't every time. My wife has some toys, but if she came home with one of those "huge" ones, you know the ones the size of your arm, and said,"This one does it for me", then I may feel a bit pissed and inadequate and possibly thrown out of the window into the neighbors yard. ^_^
On your pie incident, what flavour was it?, If my wife wanted to do that to me, I would go for a lemon meringue, Yum Yum and most probably scoff the lot , leaving me in no mood for anything else. ^_^
But on a serious note I agree with @Kenny-crane reply.
haha. I think it may have been cherry but it was like 9 years ago, coulda been some other berry. :)
That's a weird attitude which I don't understand. I have no problem actually buying them for my GF.
I happen to be in the opposite camp in terms of being open to foreplay and the use of aids and toys. My wife is flat out not interested. This doesn't bother me all that much, but I'd still like to try some new things.
Every one has different preferences and different things that get them excited. It's nothing to be self-conscious about, beyond letting your partner know up front.
Yes, let's talk sex! And thank you, @lauralemons, for doin' it with so much courage and transparency. Brava, lady! I share this link as an earnest resource for you, and any other woman who can't cum via vaginal penetration: https://steemit.com/life/@erikaharris/an-african-sex-technique-where-men-get-to-worship-at-the-throne-of-vagina-and-bow-before-the-queen-clitoris-a-researched
Thanks :D
The short answer is that every human body is different. Differently shaped, nerves in different places, different chemical responses to different types of things. Absent a bona fide medical issue, some combination of the right penis, the right vagina, and the right technique can probably lead to orgasm, but that's a lot of experimentation. There are more ways to have sex than most people have time in their lives to try out.
That said, a man's desire to have penetrating sex and his desire for his partner to get off that way is just as valid as a woman's desire for other things in the bedroom. Women are often very quick to dismiss whatever the guy wants when it's "just not working for me", like his bedroom preferences don't matter. Then insist that the guy embark on a long journey of communication and working together, as he tries to open his mind to all of this other non-penetrating-sex stuff his woman wants, when all he really wants to do is penetrate his girlfriend until he has an orgasm and wonders why she needs this bevy of compromises to even have sex at all.
I think a lot of people out there have been raised to think that sex isn't that important. That we're all supposed to focus on everybody's personality and intelligence and having things in common, while sex is just the occasional cherry on top. People are hesitant to walk away due to sexual incompatibility because that seems shallow, and end up in unsatisfying relationships where both parties do things they don't want, don't get to do things that they do want, do things less often or more often than they want, and nobody's really happy sexually.
I am definitely open to what my partner wants, it needs to go both ways. I find most men are uninterested in my needs. I think it is a problem on both sides. Everyone should be as worried about getting off as getting their partner off and vice versa. And I agree, I think if you want a long-lasting relationship both parties should be satisfied sexually, unless they are both asexual or have very low sex drives. :)
Hello @lauralemons Many years ago I had a girlfriend who could not orgasm at all. We were both in our 20's and I had never come across this before. Also, I could never understand when a man orgasms before a woman and then leaves her high and dry! Ladies first , I say!
For me, I get emence pleasure from seeing my partner in sexual bliss so I did a bit of research and found it is fairly common. So over the next several months I explored very part of her beautiful body and made her feel completely relaxed and comfortable in bed. I managed some small orgasms through oral sex with her, but it took a while. The orgasms just got better from there, but only if I went down on her. A couple of years later we managed orgasm through intercourse, but only when she was on top. She could manage an orgasm through masturbation as well, but that came after the initial oral orgasms. So with a bit of persistence and a lot of fun, time in bed can be literally mind blowing!
Great article and looking forward to your next one!
@lauralemons
This happens mostly because of nervousness. It will be easier for you to start having orgasms from penetrative sex after having a clitoral one. Also being with someone longterm and learning each other's body helps.
Masturbation can also anaesthetize the pelvis, especially if you use vibrating toys often. vibrating Toys tend to induce clitoral orgasms thus you are training your body to react as such—constituting any partner no match next to the dildo—hence your issue.
You also need to relax and have more confidence in your self. You sound like you need to solve some issues in regards to how you perceive yourself.
I have clitoral orgasms just fine.
@lauralemons
I never said you have problems having clitoral ones. Perhaps you need to read again what I wrote.
Does getting a little drunk make a difference? What about other substances?