It's time to shatter the stigma.
I've been seeing therapists probably for about 6 years or so now and it was always hard for me to try and pinpoint what in the hell was wrong with me and my brain.
Why I wasn't able to stop myself from doing certain things, no matter what i tried? Why I couldn't figure out why my mood was so damn sporadic for no reason sometimes or even why small triggers were taking such huge tolls on me?
I've always been a pretty cognitively aware person and i could usually keep myself in check but there were those times where I had no control and that's frustrating.
About 14 months ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2. It's not easy for me to admit this and only a select group of people whom i'm close with really know this. And i'll probably regret writing this in the morning. An old pornographic habit of mine has unfortunately resurfaced in about the last 7 months or so and i am not okay with it.
I've struggled with self injury since I was 17 and guess what? That crap doesn't go away easily.
I'm still constantly triggered and more often that I'd like to admit I give in to that dirty habit. It's been almost 8 years, 8 YEARS and i'm still not rid of this ghost.
I like to think that i'm a very positive person and that i'm really optimistic and to have something deep down inside of me trying to pull me in the opposite way CONSTANTLY is exhausting. Most of the time i feel like shit. Most of the time I don't feel like I'm okay and that's because most of the time I am not okay but I still attempt to continue moving forward.
I've been medicated a few times but ultimately I haven't been able to keep affording them. More often than I'd like to admit I find myself either fantasizing or with obstructing thoughts about graduating from this life by my own hand and sometimes I'm afraid that i won't bounce back enough to stop myself and i will ultimately meet the end of my life by my own hands.
And that's terrifying to me.
I have too many self-destructive behaviors than I would like to admit and I'm working to rid myself of them with positive behaviors. I'm an optimist, I choose to see the good in things, I try and choose to be happy through everything.
Most of the time this proves harder that it should be and it's physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting, and a lot of the times i don't feel like continuing.
I am not okay. Most of the time I really dislike myself and would like to rip myself to shreds. I've seen too many people close to me lose the battle to some sort of self-loathing and mental illness, and I can't help but wonder if I could have done anything if i just knew. Too many people don't reach out or speak out or are ashamed (and the ridiculous negative stigma does not help) and it is absolutely heart-breaking.
It is not easy to reach out for help and unfortunately, I am no exception. Too many people live in pain, too many people put up walls so that other people can't tell they're suffering. Treat everyone with kindness. I am Bipolar type 2. Most of the time i am NOT okay. It's time we break the silence.
Mental illness sucks and has taken too many from us. I struggle with reaching out and i know a lot of us do. but here I am on a public format. I really dislike profanity and a lot of people write me off until i break character and end up using it, so i apologize ahead of time and know that i do not say this lightly but please...
SPEAK. THE. FUCK. UP.
Please help me break the silence. I am not okay. and a lot of us aren't, but maybe we can pull together and help each other at least manage life.
-Secret Writer
What a fantastic post, I've grown up watching my mother suffering with mental insecurities because of her childhood; I often wonder what would have happened to me if my father hadn't been able to deal with it and continuously shield my sister and I from it?! So often these things are overlooked or never spoken about, it's not a taboo subject; it's something that we all have to deal with through a family member or within society. My father, who passed away 12 years ago must have been so strong, his love for us and my mother was unquestionable; and I think that's where his strength came from!!
Thank you for the reply. Everyone's comments have made me smile about my issues.
I would very much like to read more content from this writer. What they feel they've discovered about what might be motivating the behaviors, their analysis of what these experiences are like in the moment.
I agree that the stigma we attach to issues of the mind is one of the hardest to breach. I also feel that writing about it at all helps to unravel some of the knots, so I hope she keeps at it.
Thank you. I have grown some courage to continue on my story.
Wow! Firstly, thank you for speaking up and expressing yourself. I think you will not regret it as I am willing to bet that keeping shit secret even compounds the issues.
Keep your head up... Impossible advice I know, but trust that one day something will click. It might be a book you read, a drug, a lifestyle or work change, a meditative concept, a diet, or actually none or all of the above. There is no ONE thing wrong with you. Every aspect of life creates a sum effect on life's quality.
I won't give you specific advice as I don't know you, but I truly am glad you did take the time to share this pseudo-anonymously with the world.
Yet again the secret writer program shows just how essential it is. As a special education teacher I have a lot of students labeled with an "emotional disorder". The hardest part of my job is seeing these wonderful, creative kids suffer and hurt themselves. They know I care. Which is a tiny help, but I'm not an expert. If their arm was broken, they would also know I care... but it wouldn't fix their arm. I really hope that some day, it will be as easy and as second nature to seek out mental help when needed as it is to go to the dentist (we take better care of our teeth than our psyches?) Our school has 4 amazing social workers... for 4000 kids. It's insane. This country needs to wake up and realize that mental health matters. Secret writer. Pleas get the help you need and deserve. There is a way to live a happy life. Don't give up on it.
Good morning @stellabelle
I personally have family that has suffered from this and it is very hard. It's tough because when you see it from the outside you think it should not be so hard, you have to put yourself in those shoes.
In my particular case when that person explained to me how they felt and why it helped them most :) , it felt real good to help someone naturally.
What I think is hard to understand is how people hurt themselves on purpose. :(
Thank you for sharing!
#takeiteasy
Good morning! I have grown used to you with your morning visit. Thanks for being a regular! It does make Steemit feel all cozy, when we are all in here together, commenting and sharing our thoughts for the secret writers, all of whom need our attention!
it sure does! Good morning :)
Ohhhh man... I did not know writing about it and sharing it would bring in some more emotions. Reading what some of you guys have written is overwhelming I didn't know some words could actually make me smile like they did in some of the responses. I did not expect to feel this way I was just venting about my issues and dangerous habits. I am really grateful of what you are doing for people like me.
I'm really glad it helped you. That is really great to hear.
This might help the secret writer: I was depressed, really to the point that I wanted to kill myself many years ago, but I made it out. I am not taking drugs anymore either. I'm not sure if it will help but your mind needs to focus on something that brings you joy. Look back into your childhood....what things were you doing then? For me, I had penpals, loads of them. I wrote to a different pen pal every day, and every day I would receive a letter in the mail. For me, that was my source of happiness, something to look forward to. Now I have the Secret Writer thing. It's also something I look forward to, something that takes my mind off of myself. Turning inwards too much is destructive. I recommend that you start to rediscover what things make you feel better, then do those things.
You can get better, I'm an example of that kind of recovery. I no longer want to die. I still get anxious, but I'm not obsessed with my own death anymore.
Oh, and just so you don't feel alone, I used to cut myself too. Not too much, but I did do it. Also, used to make my stomach hurt on purpose at work. I'd push myself into my desk in such a way that it jutted into my stomach, making me feel pain every day. I was addicted to hurting myself.
Honestly, what helped me the most was writing a book about these things. It took a lot of courage, but once I was done, and people who knew me read it, it was like, "Oh well, that's the real me. No more hiding, no more shame." My life sort of opened up at that moment because I was forced to take a hard look at what I had become.
A disturbing post. We are with you if it is any help...
I can't even begin to relate to your situation. I won't even pretend that I can relate.
I am in no position to dictate you anything but ... William Glasser has said that everything in life is your choice.
Wow, what an inspiring post!
You are right that mental illness is something that's not talked about enough. People have to understand that it IS an illness, just as bad as physical pain. This needs to change, the stigma around this topic is way too negative. awesome idea to shine light on the topic this way. stay strong! You said yourself you're a positive person so don't give up!
Hey @stellabelle
Nice article, thank you for being with us!
Want more your posts :)
I have another one coming out shortly.
And also, I built a miniature Steemit world in my car, so a video and post about that is coming soon..
Its great. Ill wait it
Thank you :)
Thanks for the post, makes you think about your life
Depression and powerful mood swings can really produce terrifying thoughts sometimes.
But when the same thoughts gradually begin to stop feeling so terrifying and scary ... that is the most terrifying realization.
Great message here. I really suggest to anyone who feels bad to speak to someone. A fault confessed is half redressed and speaking about the own problems proves real strength. Just remeber: you are not alone and there are always people who care about you
This post moved me..
First off, my thoughts and prayers are with you. If there is anything specific we can do to help, let us know.
Too many people who need help are not getting it (for a variety of reasons). It is often times difficult to talk about mental illness, not just for those people suffering through the anguish, but also for loved ones and friends. It is easier said than done, but we really need to get away from the negative stigma associated with mental illnesses.
As @stellabelle says: we have to speak up and stop hiding behind stigma.
Very sincere and touching message. Thanks for doing this, our unknown friend. The pure you is your honesty, keep it by all means.
Everyone has his vices, his weaknesses, his faults. I am sure that everyone has a story to tell on this subject. And I remember being totally lost in this regard. I tried different ways to revive myself. But nothing seemed to help.
Maybe for some people this is going to sound primitive or weird, but I believe that only God is able to help in such situations. And I have personal experience of this. We can run away from Him constantly. But at some point we will see that we are unable to help ourselves. And nobody at this moment can help us except Him. He is a loving Father ready to forgive us all our mistakes. He is a loving Friend, willing to help us in the most desperate situation. And all that is required of us is to simply refer to Him sincerely. Just admit your mistakes and ask for help from Him. I believe that this is the only sure way out of this maze.
The pure you is your honesty, keep it by all means. If you're honest, you'll be heard. And help will come. No doubt.
That's a big and important thing: to speak up and help other people to do the same.I really like the way you see those things. I'm glad I found steemit and saw a lot of interesting and helpful stuff.
this is a distubing post for me .Stil fighting demons thats hiding behind evry corner. Stil you have my upvote.
you are genius! excellent post. upvoted me? please!
Having to deal with a so called "mental illness" as well I wish anyone with such the very best. One thing I would like to mention is the importance of nutrition and possible change of environment. Also if anyone would like me to write about some aspect of this, please feel free to let me know. Eventually I will be writing to hopefully give some hope and ways to live and be better to some degree.
Very powerful post. Many people do not want go talk about mental illness but its becoming more known and there are more cases daily. Its hard to struggle with something that you have and you have no control for. At least you have come out and put it out there. Thats a great start! It helps a little to talk about it.
This story really touched me so much . It hurts me to know that selfdestructive behavior is treated with chemicals , so called medicine can't be the answer . I tried it with love , tons of hugs and understanding with a very close and dear one , nothing worked . The cuts got deeper , more hair pulled and I was pushed away further . I feel helpless and have to be just patient that some therapist might be efficient enough to help healing . You really made me cry with this story and it's only one of many many more . 🌸