Relationships: Is cheating about sex/love or about boundaries/choices ?

sometimes small things are cheating, sometimes big things are not

I think it is really interesting when I am on social media and see people talking about if watching porn is cheating, or if talking to or being friends with someone from the opposite sex is cheating. Except for my mariage (I'm going through a rather extended and dificult divorce right now) to an African woman, all of my relationships for the last three and a half decades have been non-traditional in one way or the other, while my mariage was plagued by lots of jealousy triggered events and adjustments. I think adjustments are important, and assumptions are the death of any long term bond. In my current rather complicated love life I'm trying to re-calibrate to non-traditional relationships, learning that truly no two relationships are ever the same.

cheating not about sex/love

From my experience with a wide spectrum of relationship types, I think my notion of the concept of "cheating" is a bit different from that of people who have only experienced onse side of the spectrum, especialy those who have only experienced the often jealousy and control driven dynamics of traditional relationships. From this perspective I would like pose a proposition, an opinion, maybe, and I would like to hear the oppinion of others about this of others to find out if I'm just weird thinking this way or if this is actualy a deeper truth:

• "Cheating isn't about sex or feelings, it's about boundaries and choices."

Other take on cheating

Taking this statment, watching porn could be cheating for some couples, while sleeping with someone else might not be for another couple. Some people seem to think that when you have agreed upon an open relationship or a polyamorous lifestyle that everything goes and nothing qualifies as cheating, but I propose that exactly the same thing counts as cheating.
That one thing is:

• Crossing your partner's boundaries and not openly offering them the choice to act on it.

Notice that I define two components:

• The act of crossing your partners boundaries
• Not openly offering them the choice to act on it

I feel these two components are both needed for someone to cheat regardless on where on the spectrum their relationship is.

cheating in a traditional relationship

Let's examine a few places on the spectrum and see if it makes sense.

Imagine Alice and Bob are in a traditional relationship and Alice is very insecure to the point that when Bob watches porn she feels inadequate. Bob on the other hand is in the habbit of watching porn on his phone. Porn with women in it that other than Alice have large breasts. When Alice notices this she gets very insecure about her body. Alice expresses this to Bob and Bob realizes that when he watches porn, especialy when he watches porn with big breasted women in it, he is crossing her boundaries. Nevertheless Bob really enjoys waching porn, so a few times a week while Alice is sleeping, Bob locks himself in the bathroom with his phone and aerbuds and wanks off while looking at porn with exactly the type of women that make Alice insecure.

I argue that for their situation and with the knowledge that Bob has about Alice her boundaries, this instance of watching porn would qualify as cheating. He is crossing her boundaries . doing so in secret, and he isn't giving her a choice to act on it.

Bob could make it not cheating. He could talk to Alice, tell her that she has nothing to be insecure about, that he knows he is crossing her boundaries, but can't help himself from wanking off and watching porn. Doing this gives Alice a choice. She can accept it, or she has a choice to walk away, end the relationship. Boundaries and choices.

Cheating in a non-traditional relationship

Now lets look at another side of the spectrum. Carol and Dave are in an open relationship. Both Dave and Carrol ocasianaly date with other people and sometimes this results in short term relationships with some of these other people. Both have communicated their boundaries and everyone has stayed within these boundaries. Both have been completely open about all encounters and short time relationships. Dave and Carol communicated their boundaries though: Only strangers.

Now at an office party Carrol ends up talking to a co-worker Eric, and they end up kissing. Carrol knows that because it's not a stranger but someone she had been working with for 10 years that eventhough she has had intimate relationships with multiple people, and it was "only" a kiss, the fact that Eric isn't a stranger makes it that Carrol has crossed Dave's boundaries. Carrol chooses not to tell Dave about the kiss.

Just as with Alice and Bob, this is cheating. Carrol crosses Dave's boundaries and by not telling him she takes away his choice to accept or walk away.

If she had told Dave about the kiss, Dave might have accepted that it was unintended and might even discover that he is OK to shift his boundaries a little further because of her honesty. Encourage her to explore. But she didn't, she took away his choice, so she cheated, even if what she did according to tranditional norms was much less than the things both she and Dave had been doing with mutual aproval.

So what do "you" think?

Personaly I feel it is esential in a relationship that you know your parners boundaries and try to respect them. And if something happens and you accidentaly cross their boundaries, or something changes inside and you can't be happy without crossing these boundaries, you should at least offer your partner the choice to accept it or walk away. Failing to do the later, taking away their choice, that is what to me constitutes cheating regardless of the type of relationship you are in. If your partner crosses your boundaries and has the courage to offer you that choice, its an amazing and beoutiful gesture and if you love them, exploring if you can accept it, maybe shift your boundaries for them if it makes them happy is I think what real love is made off. But if walking away is the only option your heart allows, that is a valid choice that can be made with love and respect because you were offered the choice in full honesty.Cheating is about taking away that choice, being dishonest with your partner and letting secrets and lies come between you. Secrets and lies are the rot to any relationship. I'm not saying anything bad about DADT semi-open relationships, they are not for me, but if they fit, that's fine, the secrets are part of what falls within your boundaries. But when the secrets cross the known boundaries of your partner, that is cheating.

But these are my oppinions. I know many people will have completely different views on the subject. Views that I'll love to hear about.

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