Okay, first off, I am not looking for a sexual partner. I already have one and my marriage isn't open yet. This is me going on record saying I've never had casual sex. I've had opportunities, but I didn't follow through. There are a handful of reasons for that. One is I got married really, really young. I was raised in a conservative, religious environment. Also, I was sexually assaulted when I was 14 and that kind of turned me off to ever losing sexual control. And casual sex always seemed like throwing the rules out the window.
Now, however, I see that it can be a woman owning her sexuality. It took me far too long in my marriage to say what I do and don't like thanks to my religious upbringing. Since I've learned to advocate, sex has become more than enjoyable. My spouse is the only consensual sexual partner I've ever had. I'm curious what some action would be like with another man.
Or, honestly, with another woman. I realized recently I'm bisexual. I was raised to believe that the only correct path is the hetero path, so imagine my incredible confusion each time I had a sexual fantasy that was me with another woman. I used to tell myself the fantasy was that I was a man. It was easier to accept than admitting I'm a woman who wants to touch women. Thanks again, religious conservatism.
I feel like I'm way too old to be having all these aha moments, yet here I am. My husband is aware of all this. He's curious about hookups too. Maybe it's something we'll open our marriage to in the future. What I want to know is, what's it like? Good, bad, ugly? I'm not looking for sexual detail. I want to know about emotional impact and if any of you have experience in open marriages. I mean, if I'm gonna ask, it might as well be here, right?
Unless you and your husband are willing to lose each other, don't do it. The sexual siren is loud and persistent. You will be wanting more. More sex. More experiences. More variety. It is a hard mountain to climb and it takes a long time to reach the summit. If jealousy could be an issue, it won't work. You have to be able to talk to your husband about each open experience. Don't do anything without him knowing about it first. If you can do that, go enjoy yourself. Just be ready once you open that door. You may not like what is on the other side. Good luck.
I appreciate this! I would never do anything without total clarity. I don't know that I could go forward. It's just a matter of wanting to. I really love what I have. I never want to mess that up.
Very impressed with your honesty ! ... personally i believe it is always a part of life to fantasize, but to actualize can be disastrous, as you mentioned. Most certainly a can of worms .... Some can deal with the emotional stress, some (most imho) can't ... this IS a marriage were talking about, not a disposable bf/gf situation ...
Thank you. My marriage is most important to me. Anything after that is gravy.
Congrats for approaching this the right way and doing it its you husband. I wish you good luck.
And your husband is a lucky man!
Thank you for the support!
Wait, you mean threesome or what???
lol the husband is ok as long as honeyscribe brings another girl
lol yeah that's what I meant ;D
I had a girlfriend (not a wife) in my previous life, who wanted it this way and that was so weird, because another girl's husband the same time was playing some nintendo or whatever in the next room...
I don't think that's quite what I'd like . . . Interesting scenario!
Hello I'm here for the orgy ... ?
O_o
ha
LOL I'm talking about missed experience. I guess that is an experience I've missed, but not one that I'm missing if you know what I mean.
You are never too old to experience new things. If you and your spouse are up for it, go for it.
Thank you!
Telling you from firsthand experience. I can consider myself lucky of having a bisexual wife. She also, discovered this after we married.
Go for it, find someone YOU like, and believe me... Your husband may enjoy it even more than you expect enjoying. It is a win-win situation.
Can you elaborate? Do you mean someone I want to bring home to my husband?
Not to your husband, to "the couple". Because you're an item, right? If you have to do things by separate, then I recommend a quick and friendly divorce before messing into muddy waters.
Right. That makes more sense. The person would need to mesh with both of us. One thing I'm sure of is that I don't want to be having a side relationship. It's like opening an alternate timeline.
Sounds like you want a divorce. You don't know where your journey is going to end up and if a child enters the picture their life could become very - complicated. The few examples of open marriages involving bisexual women I'm aware of all ended with a child and a big mess. Not to say you couldn't be the first such adventure I've heard of that ended well. No one knows what's right for you but you.
The impact on my children is a major consideration.
On the other hand teaching children to be true to themselves and to be happy is an important lesson too.
I have polyamorous friends and their kids are pretty amazing, self-assured, compassionate individuals.
Theres some really good books on Polyamory, Checkout "Opening up" by Taormino, or "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy. I have experience in non-monogamous relationships both ethical and non-ethical. The best kinds were the ones where communication was the biggest asset.
A more historical perspective on why you have these feelings that I found to be very reassuring is "Sex at Dawn" by Dr Chris Ryan
I have that book! I will have to continue reading it.
Thank you! I'll look into those!
ordering popcorn... (I don't have it yet, but might have it at some point...)
lol, few things I didn't fully understand:
We have talked about open marriage. I have permission to seek out women. I can't return the favor though. That's what I meant by yet.
Knowing I'm bisexual--I've always wanted to be with women as long as I can remember. I've stuffed it down just as long because I knew I would be hurt for admitting it. It's the same way I always knew I wanted to be with a man. The body says so.
This is a great topic. My girlfriend and I are also going through the same thing now. We talk about it constantly. Though she says she is not into women, I can see that she is conflicted. This is what makes our relationship spicy. But, we realize we will probably not go through anything because we cannot be sure how either of us would react after.
Safety is key for me. I honestly love what I have. It can be fun to share the fantasy without following through. Maybe I'll write about that?
I struggled with very similar ideas and self-realizations. Things immediately came clearer for me after reading JJ Roberts "Sex 3.0." I would highly recommend the read.
Thank you @mranderson. I've never heard of that, but am about to look it up!
It's really refreshing to see more LGBT users! I have been asking where everybody was hiding forever! # queer #LGBT
In plain sight? LOL. I'm happy to find such an open community. :)
@stephthegeek and I are polyamorous and cultivate multiple relationships. It can work really well with two major tools:
Intentionally over-communicate. Talk about everything. Share all of your feelings. It's ok to be conflicted. Every feeling of jealousy is an opportunity to work towards compersion and become a more generous partner.
Google Calendar. Calendar everything. I can't stress enough how likely you are to double-book dates.
I would not have thought of #2. I suspect that may be a great help.
Everybody should be a slut for a few years in their life. It's a real education.
I am polyamorous and have been for about 10 years. I've never been married, so I can't speak to opening a marriage. I think you need to get very clear within yourself and with your husband about what is and is not okay for you both before you start messing around with other people.
I think casual sex is a very difficult thing to manage, except with strangers or people you don't see regularly. If you start fucking the same person on a regular basis, chemicals kick in and it is hard to keep it casual. This can be EXTREMELY destabilizing to your existing relationship.
I also think casual sex is usually not that great. Sometimes you can really hit it off with someone, but a lot of the time it really takes a while to get to know your lover well enough, and for them to get to know you well enough, to really enjoy the sex. In other words, I think casual sex is over rated.
I am realizing I want two things: casual experience and a potential addition to our relationship. This is something to chew over for quite a long time.
Does your husband want an addition to the relationship? If yes, would the new person have an equal say in the triad, or would you and your husband be primary with the other woman as a secondary lover? Does the other woman need to be lovers with both of you or is being lovers with just one of you okay? Is it okay to be sexual with the new woman one on one or do you and your husband both have to be there?
This is a touchy subject and even though it seems like an interesting idea, i would sit and talk to your husband a little more about it. Is there something missing sexually or is it just curiosity getting the best of you. I have been married for the last 10 years and my wife and I came to a similar cross road but realized that this would more than likely end in disaster. We talked about what we were missing and what we could do to spice things up. I am simply saying open up you and your husbands sex life before you invite strangers into it. Hell get wild and go crazy. Find eachothers Fantasies and make them a reality. Bringing others in will only be a bad ending to a long and i assume happy marriage. Good Luck
sound advice !!!
I think it's both. I missed sexual exploration of half of my sexual identity. The other bit is we are curious, but not bored. I wouldn't be willing to consider this if we didn't have an excellent foundation.
Who is @lakers?
I have several friends in marriages who've tried this and it can work or it can ruin the marriage - it all seems to depend on trust and honest communication. It depends on how solid is the love and confidence in the marriage. Best of luck to you!
Thank you! Yes, I've heard it's all about communication and trust. We definitely have both. I feel excited for the possibilities. :)
@honeyscribe I've not been in a monogamous relationship for 10 years. Given your interest and I"m sure the interest of others, I think I'll write up everything Iv'e learned across a number of open/poly type of relationships.
The main thing is the trust and honesty, second is compassion, but third - often left out - is the need to consciously create the relationship. There are no more defaults in this land.
I 100% agree with constantly creating the relationship. I look forward to reading what you have to share. :)
It's definitely doable if you have a strong enough emotional bond and your partner isn't offended. It's a difficult situation..
My partner is on board for me to discover and embrace my full self. He understands that I was very closeted (no pun intended) throughout my life. When we stretch, we stretch together.
Open marriage might not bring you good experience.
I've had numerous open relationships. My fiance and I have had this talk and she wants to bring a girl in soon.
It can be good, bad, ugly, and everything else. This is really a whole post in itself. The key underlying everything is honesty and compassion. Be honest with yourself and your partner. Forgive and be compassionate about all the awkward and possibly scary things that come from this path.
It's worth it.
Thank you! Have you written about the various faces of polyamory?
It can ruin you both. If you both agree, it means you both were be tempted both standing on edge open to make a wrong decision. You gender identity is already a bit corrupted. Your religion background will not help you here as it has no power. Only Jesus can if you repent and turn to Him. I'm not judging here, everyone is tempted, especially in this times. If you don't fix what your life stands on it be your downfall. My life has some similar background parameters and I know temptation in these cases is very strong. Good luck!
You believe it's impossible to naturally be bisexual?
Naturally? You mean born like that? Were you born like that? Was that your sexual orientation at the beginning? But as you grow up your confusion might be so extreme that you might feel bisexual one day and as you keep going that direction another day you might feel you need something even more bizarre. Because you were played and you were open to that influence and it will drag you as far as it can. You'll be thinking about freedom and pleasure but in the same time heading into biggest slavery and confusion of your life. And sadly many people will support you in that.
I appreciate you taking the time to offer this support. I think exciting single life rings true except I always want it to be okay with my partner and to always come home to him. I'll be thinking about this.