The hurt is only perpetuated when I reach for more hurt. The fear of being hurt more exist only when it exist within me to create more hurt, because it has become all I know and all I see. The anger is created only when I know within myself - whether I am aware of what I’m doing or not - that I’m not understanding and letting go of the things that I do which always bring me back to my past of memories that all of my behaviours stem from.
Often when I look at all of the failed relationships and damage done in my life do I feel like I am some form of victim - it is created in the way I sell myself short to myself - my seeking to sell myself to others and be everything to others, when in fact deep down there is a desire to dominate, win or come out on top somehow, which is in fact the reason that I’m ‘giving it my all’ in the relationship. It goes deep to memories as a child where I truly felt that my mother was lost and NEEDED me so badly, depended on me so badly…..yet I tend to forget the context that I existed within in that family dynamic, where I would get rewarded, or neglected, depending on where the parents were at emotionally within themselves - so I OBSERVED so early on as a child within my mother that this deep despair was somehow connected to my shitty experience as a child and the abuse/lack of support I received, and ultimately made this decision within myself that “I have to do something, I have to save this person and myself from this situation of despair, we are at a loss here and I must make all the gains necessary to save the day, get and give EVERYTHING that is needed to get us out of this (because ultimately so many family problems we experienced were ultimately based on relationship fuckups and fears around money and all of the nasty power games that are played around the fears of not having money, going without and losing out.
So there is a point of self preservation and survival within this victim character that I’ve played, where I feel like I am giving my all to my relationship/partner, yet it is somehow never enough, because ultimately I want that point of being the ultimate provider to reflect well back onto me, get me the love that I so deeply yearn for, and ultimately survive and have some amazing kind of life - like all of the love fantasies we’re programmed with early on in childhood. To be the prince, the knight in shining armour - or in my case, a paladin, (lol).
So I can sit around feeling sorry for myself, feeling like “I gave everything to this person, only to be betrayed, remain unloved, it was all for nothing, woe is me” - or I can look at the reality of how I have manipulated, how I have abused, how I have sought my own form of self satisfaction and pleasures, how I also manipulated to get what I want and was never able to truly be honest with myself and my partner about who I am and what I truly want, because I was not even aware of it for myself, within myself. I may of had some deeper needs that I yearned for, but I completely took for granted the ‘how to’ of the roleplaying game to get there, as this man acting out a loving character. Because my examples of ‘loved ones’ in my life also did not understand their own needs and expressed them irrationally as needs that others must fulfill for them, I also copied these ways in which to try to meet my misunderstood needs. Misunderstood needs became the norm, and the how-to of meeting those needs even more greatly understood, to the point where everybody is lying to themselves and each other all the time saying “I love you” to them or even worse, “I love them” to myself.
I’ve confused myself with knowledge of how, for instance, every woman that was close to me in my life hit me/abused me physically, yet I never laid a finger on anyone - yet I was always treated like some kind of abusive brute because I was guilty by association in the way that my both my fatherland step father were excommunicated from the family and deemed as basically evil people. But it is not about who did what, it is not about who said more mean words, who hit who, who was more deceptive or overtly spiteful in some other way: it was about self dishonesty, ultimately - not understanding self and allowing a program, a brainwash of a FAIRYTALE to fill the void that I felt had to be filled if I am to survive - and that self dishonesty is something inherently violent. It makes us all nastier, weaker, poorer, dumber….I mean the harm is extensive.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live the statement “why me” as an emotional cry to try and understand abuse that I’ve endured , as I see, realize and understand that to ask such a question within the context of self victimhood only reinforces the initial point of self deception where I do not see my own participation in creating my experiences
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to tell myself the narrative that I have given more in relationships and been taken advantage of more and hurt other people less than they’ve hurt me, as within this I am not considering how participating in the fear of survival and the self deceptive character I’ve created within being in a state of survival is what led me to such experiences
I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how giving is useless and not giving at all if my starting point is not clear as a yearning for love, support, and ultimately being supported by another is rooted in the fear of survival and consequences of not giving others what they believe they want
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to always place an inner pressure on myself to always want to participate in relationships in a way where I am like ‘everything’ to the person and I give them so much and be so perfect to them, because ultimately I associate being that character with survival as such acts painting a favourable picture of me where I get back what I desire
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be perfect in relationships and be perfect to others and give them exactly what they want - everything - because ultimately I want to gain what I want, as if we are intrinsically separate and in a state of war, and no way that is best for all is possible, apparently
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to use others in relationships to assist me in getting to where I want to go, and to even use the most benevolent sounding intentions and the most benevolent looking actions to make it look and feel real
I commit myself to always check who I am within my engagement/participation in relationships and clear any desire to create some kind of a positive experience for the sake of creating a positive experience, creating good feelings in another, and ultimately having that interaction have an effect on the mind of another where they regard me in a positive light and is favourable to me
I commit myself to be myself within relationships, which means to work with practically what is here in a way that the outcome is truly best for all life, rather than an outcome that creates positive feelings and puts myself in a good mental standing with others
I commit myself to see, realize and LIVE the understanding that I do not NEED to engage in relationships from a starting point of MYNEEDS (moneys) as the intent of capitalizing and gaining something for myself, as some form of attainment and controlled outcome
I commit myself to PROVE to myself that real relationships are possible without self interest, deception and abuse, through the process of self investigating and correcting the point of who I am within myself when engaging with others
I commit myself to walk away from all relationships/interactions that are based in fear and self interest, and where any form of friction is being created - I commit myself to let go of this point of inner friction that has become normal and accepted within my relationships/interactions
I commit myself to remove/not participate in the need to engage in abusive, tumultuous and unnecessarily confrontational relationships as I see, realize and understand that this is simply not what real relationships are, and that another way is possible where humans can work together as individuals, without the inner friction of participating as a character created out of misunderstanding of ourselves and who we are in this world that is rooted and fear and survival.