Living With Addiction - An Introduction

Hello, my name is Richard, and I am a drug addict. Now that we have that out of the way, I wanted to give a quick overview of what this blog will be about. 

I've been living clean and sober for almost 4 years now. It hasn't been easy. It has, however, been a wonderful experience. I've gone from the gutter to being able to afford housing. I've gone from stealing to support my habit to working hard for what I have. I've gone from being alone to being able to maintain a healthy relationship with the woman I love.

I'm hoping to share my experiences with recovery with others, in hopes of A) reaching other struggling addicts, and letting them know it's possible to live clean B) educating non-addicts about what addiction really is and C) breaking the stigma that addicts are the scum of the earth, can't change, and will always go back to using.

And now, my qualifications to write on this subject.

I'm not a certified drug counselor. I can't stress that enough. I'm just an addict who has beaten the odds and stayed away from using for almost 4 years now. 9 years ago, I was a complete mess. 

I started using when I was 20 years old. In high school I never cared much for the party scene. I smoked pot a couple times as a teen and occasionally stole a shot or 2 of vodka from my dads freezer. I could have cared less about drugs at that point. When i was in college that changed. 

I got drunk for the first time with my friend Rob. We got the gas station down the road to sell us a couple of 40s, and drank them while watching The Fresh Prince. Once I realized what I was missing I went completely overboard. Within 2 months I had tried my first pill, someones ADD medication. The next night my second pill, someones anxiety medication. Soon I was constantly either high on pills, or looking for more pills. 

After playing around with all kinds of different drugs I eventually settled on my favorites. Pain pills mostly. Occasionally ecstasy. It wasn't long after until I tried shooting up. I fell in love instantly. Shooting up heroin, morphine, Oxycontin/oxycodone etc...

My life soon became a mess. 

At this point I started screwing people over. My roommate wasn't getting my share of rent. All my money was going to drugs. When I didn't have anymore money I would pawn some of my belongings. Always with the intention of getting them back, but never having the money to do so. Once I was out of valuables to pawn/sell I turned to stealing from my own mother. I would sell her jewelry, steal change from the many piggy banks she had, I even stole her debit card and withdrew hundreds from the ATM to support my habit.

After a couple of "rock bottoms", an OUI, and a couple feeble attempts at recovery I was broke, addicted, and desperate. This is when I started huffing canned air. This addiction progressed really quickly, and took such a hold on me that I was truly no longer in control. I remember my last bender. It was November 2012. I want on a 2 day long canned air binge. I would drive from Wal-Mart to Wal-Mart, stealing canned air, then sit in the parking lot and proceed to huff it. One car noticed me huff it, saw me pass out face first on my steering wheel, and proceed to be unconscious. They called the cops/an ambulance. I was hospitalized for the afternoon. I talked with a doctor about my addiction for a few minutes. Basically they just kept me in a hospital bed in the hallway for a few hours. It was at this point I got to talk to my girlfriend, who had no idea where I was for the past 24 hours. I promised her when I got out I would head straight home.

The hospital finally released me, after doing almost nothing to treat me, and paid for a cab back to my car. Once back at my car I grabbed the half full can of air I was huffing earlier and continued where I left off.

For those of you who have never huffed canned air (I hope a lot of you) here is a brief run down of what happens. You depress the trigger on the can, and inhale as hard as you can on the nozzle. Then you hold your breath. There is zero oxygen in canned air. Once the blood that hasn't been oxygenated by your lungs gets to your brain your body starts buzzing and pulsing and then you pass out/black out. While passed out you will likely piss your pants. I know I did. You might also throw up. I know I did that too. So, after 2 days of sitting in my car, constantly passing out and peeing my pants, throwing up all over the place, and just being so completely out of it, my mom finds me in a town 45 miles away from home. My girlfriend had called her to let her know what was happening and that I had disappeared. 

My rock bottom was having my mother, at midnight, in a Wal-Mart parking lot pull me out of my piss soaked, vomit covered car and proceed to talk some sense into me. I could not have been more embarrassed, depressed, confused, anxious. It was humiliating. 

So now, 4 years later, with the help of counseling, doctors, NA/AA, and friends and family I am clean and sober. Future blog posts will be about things I do to stay clean. What has worked for me and what hasn't. They will also be about addressing the stigma that goes along with the label "addict". I would also like to do a series where I discuss my process of weening off of Suboxone (yes, I take suboxone. It can be a bit controversial depending on who you ask, but i'd be dead without it and i'm starting the process of getting off of it).

Thank you for listening. I hope you found this helpful.