"The Debate"

This is my entry into @v4vapid's Psy-op - Conspiracy Writing Contest

Referee: Thank you everyone for being with us today at Steemfest 13. We have a heavily anticipated event for you that we think you are going to really appreciate. We have Alex Ike here, one of the pioneers of the plant lives matter movement, who will be debating one of our own, the infamous Son of Satire.

The crowd cheers and women begin to throw their bras and panties at @son-of-satire.

Referee: Please be silent. The debaters will get three 2-minute rounds to put forth their arguments, with a sixty second closer for each. We have flipped a coin and Alex will be going first. The topic is, you can probably guess;

Should we be using or consuming plant products?

Referee: If everyone could try and keep the volume to a minimum to allow our debaters the opportunity to be heard. Kick us off then, Alex- and Scott, you behave. We know what you're like.


Scott: Fuck you, I'm very respectful when debating... as long as my opponent is.


Referee: Shh. Go on then Alex. Your time starts now.

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Alex:

Okay, I very quickly want to say thank you to everyone that showed up. I hope that by the end of this debate you will all know the truth about plant species and leave here with a better understanding of morality.

I want to open my argument with an excerpt from Dr. Davidson's peer-reviewed journal. A single paragraph that really speaks to the core values of the plant lives matter movement, and really the reason behind why I became a pharmaceutarian in the first place.

"Regardless of how one chooses to interpret the results, there is no denying that this study has shown that all types of vegetation can experience pain, and often at a greater intensity than we humans do."

In a perfect world, this would be the end of the debate. This would be enough to bring us to the only moral decision; that their life and their well-being is as valuable and as worthy of respect as any of us. In a perfect world we would recognize that all life is precious and we would do everything we can to keep it safe and to see it thrive.

But of course, that isn't the world we live in- and I understand; the modern world was built upon the exploitation of vegetation, and plant products have become so engrossed within our lives and our economy that it is difficult to imagine how we could sustain our own futures without it coming at the cost of their's.

But there are new alternatives emerging every day, many of which the plant lives matter movement is helping to fund, and we do that with your donations so please, if you can give anything then do so, it's going towards a great cause. But, yes, there are tons of plant-free alternatives out there already, and more on the way.

There's no need for us to eat plant foods anymore when we can find both a richer and a cleaner source of sustenance through the combination of nutri-pills and calorie capsules. Can you see any reason why we would need pencils or papers anymore? Anyone can get an e-journal, tablet and a digital canvas- all for less than 200 satoshi's if they went looking in the right places. And even as we speak they are erecting 3D printed homes that are derived entirely from oil, with no need for any wood at all.

We have abused vegetation for literal ages, and owe them a lot. They helped us to evolve, and perhaps that was so we could get to this place we are arriving at today, where we will not be reliant on them for our survival. If we have the choice available to us, to progress into a future where we can sustain ourselves without the need of deforestation or farming or agriculture, then should we not do it if that means less suffering in the world? Perhaps this is the next step of our evolution, where we stop using plants to progress as a species, but use our own newly acquired technology and morality to help them evolve to the next level of their being.

I will end my opening statement there, thanks.

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@son-of-satire:

I am sorry for wasting everyone's time here but it appears that I am going to have to concede this debate. He's convinced me. It just makes so much sense. I mean, you said that study was peer-reviewed right? I suppose it doesn't matter if those peers were paid to review it? We should still trust that information. Who cares about the fact that universities only get their share of the people's taxes from bitcoin fees if they can demonstrate "science" that shows plants can feel pain. Let's just ignore that.

In fact, you know what else we should ignore while we are at it? The 74 pharmaceutarians in the UK who have died in the last week alone through taking their alternative dietary supplements as instructed.

Let us not observe our closest relatives in the animal kingdom and discern from their dietary habits that we are supposed to eat plants, but instead let's trust the science of the men who are paid by the pill-pushers who profit from us turning towards synthetic nutrition.

And why shouldn't we-

Wait.. Stop that man!

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Anonymous suicide bomber in audience: We do not forgive. We do not forget.

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Thanks for reading. I had some fun with this and it's a shame about the word limit or I would have really expanded on a few aspects of it. I was trying to do several different things with this piece so I am hoping the balancing act was executed well. Let me know what you think of this in the comments.

Click here for a very short, very intense, original story.