Do you still wait for your parents to change?

I did too.

I tried to understand them, to speak with them, to open their hearts somehow.

I tried to find out what’s going on in their heads — but I always hit a wall.

Of course, my arguments were filled with lies. According to them, I was overly sensitive and disrespectful.
I judged myself based on what others did to me.

Abuse is a blurry word, especially when we’re always told that there’s always something wrong with us, that nobody laid a finger on us.
Abuse is more subtle than we would like to believe. It doesn’t always involve sexual molestation, beatings, or violence in general.

Emotional abuse is the worst form of slavery. It shapes the way we see ourselves and the world around us.

Nobody sees the bruises. We’re healthy on the outside while broken on the inside.

The Marks Left on Our Brains by Emotional Abuse

Depression is a silent killer, but it does leave a mark on our brain.
When you take the MRI of a healthy individual and compare it with the brain of someone who suffers from depression, the difference in brain activity is astonishing.

The brain that is affected by abuse and depression has less activity in most areas. No wonder many of us feel they can’t function properly if they leave their families behind.

There is a sense of helplessness in people who suffer from the effects of abuse.
We stay with our parents, the same people who inoculate the idea that we’re not capable of doing anything without them.

We can’t leave because we don’t feel like we can survive on our own, while our parents make sure we hear the same broken record every day.

Sometimes we like to comfort ourselves, to make ourselves believe that we aren’t one of those people who lived in a home where dysfunctionality equals normality, where violence is like breakfast — it happens daily.

But there’s something a lot more everlasting than a bruise that heals in 15 days.
For some, it lasts 15 years. For others, a lifetime.

Many depressed teenagers and adults find themselves at the “mercy” of their parents.
There are many people out there who were lucky enough to have loving parents.
Luck is all it takes. We don’t get to choose our mother and father.

The Legacy of Pain-An Explanation, Not a Justification

When I found my mother’s diary, I cried.
For the first time I felt connected to her. She was abused too. She felt lonely, yet she was hopeful for a better future.

Today, she is the same. She always takes out a dash of anger on me or my father, who adores her.
Yet, she doesn’t feel anything. She believes the world has been unfair to her.

My mother doesn’t want to see that her parents are dead, that her grandparents live far away and that she is now in full control of her destiny.
Abuse manifests itself like a curse, from generation to generation.
Lack of self-awareness makes the ones abused become abusers. They imitate their parents or other relatives.

You might feel now that they’re justified. You might believe they are innocent because they were ignorant.
However, ignorance is not an excuse.

You’re here because you’re looking for answers.

Perhaps, you want to understand yourself better or to find a way out. You know that the more you read, the more tools you will gather and escape one day.
But that only happens because you made the decision of being here, asking yourself the right questions.

Your abusers could have done the same. But living an undiscovered life is easier.
You don’t have to battle your memories, remind yourself that indeed you are broken and can’t find happiness as easy as others.
It’s hard to accept the idea that you have a problem — but your abusers never accept it.

They don’t go experience the same turmoil. They don’t need healing.
When I told my father he suffers from anger issues, he simply said with a grim look on his face, “Well, don’t make me angry.”

Most abusers would never face the mirror. They don’t want to accept that they are the problem, not you.

As they say, ignorance of the law is not an excuse. It’s just a series defense mechanisms that make one’s life easier.

Gaslighting-Why Do You Make a Tragedy out of Everything?

You probably heard this before.
You were told that your passions lead to nowhere, that you need to focus on something real.
You aren’t attractive enough, so you better learn a skill! Or maybe you are attractive, but that’s where your list of qualities end.
When pointing out that you’re sick of being bullied into believing all this, they just shrug their shoulders.
“Why are you making a tragedy out of what we said? What mistakes did we make that were so big that they caused you to disrespect us so much?”

Any attempt at trying to fight back is seen as a sign of disrespect.

Regardless, anything you do will be seen as negative anyway.
“We just want you to be happy. We did this for you. Everything we do is for you.”
This is perhaps one of the phrases that causes the most pain.

You look around you and realize that this is a lie. However, gaslighting makes the victim doubt themselves to the point where the line between reality and fiction becomes blurred.

Abusive parents who use gaslighting do so to cover their tracks, to justify their behaviors.
They will deny everything or try to make it seem like you’re overly sensitive.

The worst part is that even abusive parents sometimes show signs of affection. This gives their child something to hold on to when times get rough.
The only way to combat this is to distance yourself from the people who use this against you. Seek professional help.

You can’t argue or try to convince the people who do this to you that they’re wrong.

Why You Probably Aren’t Where You Want to Be in Your Life

Imagine two horses in a race.
One of them carries no weight on its back, whereas the other has a substantial amount of luggage hanging off its back.

Which horse do you think will win the race?
Won’t the horse who carries a lot of luggage be substantially slower?

For some, this might come off as harsh. However, for others, this might come as a relief.
Depression doesn’t allow us to race like we are luggage free.

Some of us are better at turning everything off, focusing on our careers. Some of us even try to fill the empty hole in our hearts with a nice salary.

However, the impact of abuse and it’s effects — depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, and paranoia — impacts us not only on an emotional level, but it affects our cognition too.

Our memory is not at its best. Our responses are slower. We have low levels of energy and have trouble focusing.
We’re mocked for keeping that job in the supermarket for 5 years. Others of us are shamed for remaining unemployed.

We’re blamed by the luggage for carrying it. But the luggage is to blame, not the carrier.

The Spark of Hope-Learning We’re Not Alone

What abuse broke inside of you, love can heal.
There is a saying: “What people break, only people can heal.”
You aren’t alone. This website is living proof that we’re a worldwide community of people who’re searching for a way out.

When you live in an abusive family, your entire universe shrinks.
You can’t develop normal relationships outside of your family. You’re afraid to socialize and fear rejection.

But there are a number of online communities that brings people like you together.
Learning about your inner mechanisms and connecting with others bring revelations. These steps help you win battles and provide a band-aid for your emotional wounds.

I would like to hear some of your stories and insights in the comments.

Take care.