I had a very similar experience to you, @cathi-xx.

I think abusers go into denial because most are 'acting out' the abuse they experienced themselves as children. I suspect, in some cases, they literally cannot recall what they have done because it blurs with what was once done to them. And both experiences are repressed.

What is not talked about it acted out.

And so, these traumas are transmitted epigenetically down generations, endlessly. Until someone has the strength to fully remember what happened to them as a kid and express it in some other way than acting it out on the next generation of children.

I suspect what happened with your mother is the same dynamic I encountered with my parents too. This denial system protects abusers from feeling the double horror of what has happened.

This double horror is:

First, the horror of what happened to them as children –– which they have pushed away their whole lives. Indeed, structured their lives around avoiding. Perhaps even marrying other potential future abusers to unconsciously re-enact the pattern again.

Second, the horror of realising that they have repeated what they were subjected to, unconsciously, on their own children.

The defence against this affect-storm in the psyche is anger and denial. Without the denial, all the pain of the trauma would flood the system. This is where MDMA helps.

Thank you for sharing your perspective.