Pornography and Me: How and why I escaped.

in #psychology6 years ago (edited)

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What is it about pornography?

It draws so many of us to crouch, haggard, in darkened rooms, massaging our genitalia to lonely climax in in the cold glow of LCD. Then, in the horrid aftermath, with towel in one hand and the evidence of our strange foray strewn in windows across the screen, with the other hand we reach into menus. Click. History. Click. Delete history.

View All History

I was, as a child, filmed by the men who sexually abused me. Others, including my father, took photographs of the abuse. My acceptance and processing of these early experiences has now freed me from my pornography addiction as an adult. This was a long journey. I am now porn free.

As an adult I had unconsciously used pornography as a way of temporarily escaping from the world and into a place where I had complete control. A place where endless streams of beautiful women reassured me that I had value; that I was desirable. I regularly flooded my dopamine receptors with the cocaine-like rush that high-speed internet pornography dispenses. I would then fall into a bleak stupor. The cycle repeated.

I used pornography, as an adult, for the same reason the heroin addict loads up his little spoon, heats it up, and shoots it into his cardiovascular system: I was in pain. Pornography was self-medication for that pain.

As Dr Gabor Maté famously said, “Don’t ask: Why the addiction? Ask: Why the pain?”

Pornography is one of our most powerful and readily available painkillers. For most of the time I was using it, I had no idea this was its function for me, because I had not taken the time and space to investigate my own past. Instead of meditating deeply into my feelings of loneliness and inadequacy, I would seek to block out those feelings. I was repelled by the idea of tracing them back to their origin. I was scared of opening the basement door to find myself, a lost, hopeless child crouched there in the shadows. Much easier to click. Click. Click. Delete history. Everyone’s doing it, right?

Right?

Delete History

If the primary psychological purpose of pornography could be expressed in just two words, it would be these: Delete History.

Deleting my own history was the reason I reached for pornography, and deleting my browser history was the way I hid from myself the extent of my addiction.

Like Gollum, in Lord of the Rings, I desperately hoped that just one more encounter with porn would bring me the satisfaction I craved. Couldn’t I use it this one last time? Could Precious really be killing me when it felt so good for that brief moment when we were reunited? But, what was I looking for in wearing the ring of porn?

What I actually needed was something porn rarely depicted: A hug; some kind words; compassion; friendship and closeness. All those things that I was rarely given as a child. This was everything that pornography promised, and everything it could never provide. Pixels can’t hug you. Pixels can’t love you. But they promise they can.

“Just wear the Ring of Power one more time,” they say. “This time it will be different.”

Choose your category

Take a look at the categories available on the average porn site, and you’ll see the deleted history of humanity: Violence; incest; exploitation; domination. I wonder now if a psychologist could accurately map the repressed early sexual experiences of a person simply by observing their preferences in pornography.

As is widely know by depth psychologists: What is not talked about is acted-out. And so much is acted out in the realm of pornography. Both by the adult performers (the majority of whom are survivors of childhood sexual abuse) and by the consumers of porn (many of whom are unconsciously reliving abuse dynamics from their own childhoods). Of course, if you are still using porn, I don’t expect you to accept this. I wouldn’t have accepted it either. Much easier to just click. Click. Click. Delete History.

Remember, or Repeat?

A friend of mine told me she was often drawn to watching porn videos of women being handled roughly. She later came to realize this was because this same thing had been done to her by an ex-boyfriend, and by her father when they sexually abused her. Unconsciously, she had been watching these videos to place herself in a position of power during a scene in which she had originally felt so helpless. But, now, in remembering and feeling these difficult experiences, she no longer feels the need to repeat the experience by watching porn. Remembering meant that she no longer needed to repeat.

The porn we watch watches us

Associative conditioning likely underlies the bulk of porn preferences in the general population.

When a child is subjected to sexual abuse, the child’s brain begins to connect sex with violence, or with specific objects or experiences. As neurobiologists say, “What fires together, wires together.”

This is called associative conditioning and was researched by the psychologist Pavlov.

Associative conditioning is where one thing is paired with another thing in the mind. In other words, a stimulus is paired with a response. Pavlov would ring a bell before feeding his dog, and he kept doing this until the dog began to associate the sound of the bell with the arrival of food. Eventually, Pavlov could simply ring the bell and the dog would begin to salivate in anticipation of the food.

This is associative conditioning at its most basic.

The same thing happens with sexuality. If a child’s sexual response is paired with an early childhood experience of abuse then, as an adult, that person may seek the same dynamic in their sexual encounters.

I know many survivors of childhood sexual abuse who were drawn to re-enact aspects of that abuse in adult relationships. They sought partners who were cruel and abusive to them, and they also sought out adult pornography that depicted aspects of their own abuse.

It is tragic that so many of us never wake up to the connections between our past and our present. If we did, the entire pornography industry, as we know it, would collapse overnight.

Porn is the commodification of our social disconnection.

Our society has been largely shaped by international pedophile rings like the Catholic Church, who preach in the front-room that sex is shameful while they rape children on an industrial scale in the back-room.

By raping children, and then shaming adults about sex, the church, and other institutions, have created the perfect storm: Psychosexually arresting the natural development of human beings and then selling the ‘cure’ back to them. The result is that many adults feel unable to have open, free sexual relationships with each other, and are ushered into spaces where sex can be sold to us.

In effect, what was in the commons — sexuality — has been privatized and sold back to the people. The natural function of adult sexuality: To bind communities, build connections and intensify existing intimacy, has been nominally outlawed by the priesthood, and then commodified for private profit.

Is some porn ok?

I wanted to address this question, because I think is a fair one to ask. I feel there may be a tiny subset of porn that is consensual, loving and educational. It is not impossible to depict more caring human relationships on film. But it is extremely difficult, not least because the entire dynamic of porn and the nature of a camera which (and the use of language here is interesting) 'shoots' people, is invasive.

Aside from the difficulty of sensitively depicting gentle human relations, there is the problem that this 'gentle' porn would sit within the troubled forest of all the current pornographic material. The users of even the most gentle pornography would find themselves walking though dense woodland with ghouls and ghosts lining the pathways, eager to usher them into the darkness.

Personally, I feel no need to walk in that forest again.

Porn for pawns?

All the time that porn was using me, I was a pawn. A pawn in a sickening game of chess played by master-psychologists. I have come to understand that it no accident that children are raped, then taken into the porn industry as adults and encouraged to unconsciously re-enact their abuse.

It is no accident that these porn videos are then used to build advertising revenue by luring millions of unconscious survivors of abuse into watching adult performers abused and manipulated on camera.

It is fair to question whether a group of people actively sat down and contrived this system.

But imagine if, as a group of rulers, you wanted power and control. What if you had observed on Earth that human sexuality forged connections and community? What if you had observed that loving, connected sex, was one of the most powerful means of joining adults and communities together, wouldn’t you seek a way of destroying it? Wouldn’t you seek a way to make people ashamed of it? Wouldn’t you find a way to profit from it?

Our ‘leaders’ have a long history of stealing community resources and then selling them back to that community. But, I’m no longer buying their product. For me, as a survivor of pornography, both as a forced-participant as a child, and using adult pornography for self-medication later in life, I see the truth of the substance: It masked my pain and hid my past.

I refuse to Delete History anymore.
Because awareness is freedom.
And history is worth remembering.

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Brilliant piece. Insightful and inspiring. Thankyou.

Thank you for reading, @mattclarke.

An extraordinary and moving post, which I deeply appreciate. Your depth of understanding has come at great cost, and I note you have become able to invest the profits from your outlay by paying forward the rewards of that investment. Many may not grasp that the trials we undergo are investments in our comprehension of ourselves, life, and how we intersect with others, but from the message in the OP, I believe you do.

Thanks for investing your wealth in me, and the community we depend on to develop a better world than we inherited.

Thank you @valued-customer. Yes, I can look back on everything I have experienced with a sense of hope that things can now be changed. I think there is no way to dismantle existing abusive systems without knowing how they function by living through them. So, my experiences as a child have put me in a position where I can now expose exactly what was done, by who, and how.

Thank you for such a kind message, and I share your view that this community, and those who speak out, can create a better world than we inherited. Have a peaceful day.

Sure takes a lot of courage to be this honest and vulnerable...thank you for this gift. I'm sorry for everything you and so many others have been through :'( :'( I'm so grateful you escaped and are now a voice of truth, and a voice for the voiceless. I am resteeming to spread this awareness even further.

Thank you for reading, @lyndsaybowes and thank you also for resteeming.
I am grateful to have escaped too. I try to speak out as loudly as I can.
Thank you for your support :)

Thank-you so much for sharing this blog post 💗

This is a beautifully done expression of where you are at @matrjoschka. It's a pleasure to meet you. I am so proud of your healing! You've certainly go me thinking of my own sexual history and those experiences. And, i can see that healing will be the result. So Thank-you very much 💗 for sharing your truths in a good way. Resteem for more exposure. All the best to you. Please keep Steeming!!

Thank you @yogajill. It's a pleasure to meet you also.

I have found that, with increasing awareness of my past, I can see how I was programmed into behaviour patterns in the present. It seems that, as soon as the origin of the problem is located, the programming falls apart and I heal more and more.

Alice Miller (one of my favourite authors on this topic) said, "If we do not work on all three levels -— body, feeling, mind -— the symptoms of our distress will keep returning, as the body goes on repeating the story stored in its cells until it is finally listened to and understood."

I've found that to be true. Remembering is healing.

Thank you for the Resteem!

Thank you @matroschka for this insight. It just fell in to place. "Delete history" makes sense: by re-experiencing the same pain it blunts it somehow, but also keeps the trauma alive, needing more re-living. Never thought about it this way before, thanks again!

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Thank you @vander
Freud (for all his flaws) called this idea of 'keeping the trauma alive' the Unconscious Compulsion to Repeat. The only way out of unconscious repetition, for me and others, was to observe actions in the present and look for their origin in the past. What is remembered is no longer acted-out.

Thanks for reading!

Experiences, however positive or negative they may be, should never be forgotten, because it is thanks to them that we improve. Be proud of yourself

Thank you, @antonio8800xx
I was very inspired by others who are speaking out on this topic too.

But imagine if, as a group of rulers, you wanted power and control. What if you had observed on Earth that human sexuality forged connections and community? What if you had observed that loving, connected sex, was one of the most powerful means of joining adults and communities together
Wouldn’t you seek a way of destroying it?
Wouldn’t you seek a way to make people ashamed of it?
Wouldn’t you find a way to profit from it?

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

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Thanks for reading @barge.

Agreed.

Have a peaceful day!

Shame. Always the shame and disgust with ourselves.
I remember once that someone said that all women fantasize about rape. Maybe so, but for me it was always from the point of view of being the rapist, the one with the power.
Maybe this also explains why many abused go on to abuse. That need to be the one in control from the other side.

Thank you for reading, @unleash.

In my experience, fantasies can represent reenactments of the past, or fears of the future. Of course, they can also be simply imaginative. Given that some statistics suggest as many as 1 in 3 females are sexually abused before the age of 18, it is very possible that that (if accurate) these fantasies represent a renegotiation of those abuses. This is a complex and vast topic.

The best explanation I have heard for those who were abused going onto abuse is exactly what you describe: The abuser (once a victim themselves) recasts themselves as the powerful one, and outsources the unfelt emotions onto the 'victim' who now expresses the pain.

Sadly, society has yet to fully explore these dynamics and rarely considers the origin of most crimes.

Great to see you writing and posting again @matrjoschka, as sharp, raw and insightful as ever!

Thank you, @v4vapid
I had to spend some time away to recharge and heal. But I'm back :)

h

Jeez, where the fuck are you from?

hgg

Lol, yeah I'm familiar. I spent 4 days in Amsterdam when I was 18 and am familiar of the "tipplezone".
As well as preventing sexual assault, it also is a boon for your govt's pocketbook! Win/win I'd say. That'd be too hard to pass up ;)


Peace

That is pretty messed up! I think I'm misunderstanding how the students get cheap housing and the women pay more? Is this gov't being involved or what?

Thank you for reading, @markush.

What you are suggesting makes sense, and I can understand why this kind of social policy would reduce crime. The next step for society would be to investigate the deeper psychological reasons for these dynamics.

Regarding the world being a mess before porn, I agree. I'm not suggesting a causal relationship between porn and abuse; but a symptomatic one.

I can imagine that porn may also reduce abuse on one hand (similar to the situation you describe where it provides an outlet for those who would otherwise abuse), while normalizing abuse on the other hand (depicting abuses as acceptable).

The central point I hope to communicate is that, for me, my porn use was a symptom of earlier abuse, and served a social function as a painkiller. Now I have taken steps to heal the pain, I no longer need it.

j

Reading this, I realize a lot!

Thanks for reading, @captainklaus.

This really resides, I always find I have a better way with real females when I've abstained for at least a few days.

Recently fell back into my addiction after a breakup, this post has reminded me to stop.

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Thanks for reading, @sisygoboom
It is an extremely difficult addiction to break. Some heroin addicts have said that it was harder to stop using porn than stopping heroin. I think the key is to refer back to Gabor Maté's perspective on this issue, which is, “Don’t ask: Why the addiction? Ask: Why the pain?”

I feel that it is impossible to break an addiction simply by saying, "Okay, I'm going to stop this now."
Relapse is almost inevitable.

Instead the cause must be excavated. Once the roots of the problem are pulled out of the ground, it can't regrow. For me, this required a lot of searching around in my past.

It has also helped to ask myself, as I would a kid, "Are you okay? What do you need?"

Brilliant piece. A lot of people can relate to these feelings.

Thank you for reading, @ulqu3

It’s powerful to recognize and admit to yourself that there were abuse problems and you had an addiction. So many people do not do at least one, never mind both of those. Thank you for the story, it’s perhaps the most unspoken thing in our western society. Most people in their 30’s and younger have some experience with at least part of this addiction.

Thanks, @cmplxty
Yes, often the hardest part of overcoming an addiction is acknowledging that it exists.
The second hardest part is acknowledging the pain that caused the addiction.
Society likes to think that addicts are somehow morally corrupt or separate from the rest of us; but we are all connected. Most addictions serve a painkilling function for abuse survivors.

Thanks again for your comment and support :)

"tragic that so many of us never wake up to the connections between our past and our present. If we did, the entire pornography industry, as we know it, would collapse overnight"

Most porn viewers aren't damaged goods like you though. I like violent porn and had a perfectly normal childhood.

Thanks for your perspective @viraldrome.

A perfectly normal childhood in our modern societies is one filled with sexual violence, so it makes sense that sex and violence has wired together for you. This was the case for me, and for many people. The problem is that it is very, very difficult to access the deep-level at which this was programmed. In short: we repress the experiences that encode these connections.

One example is that a mother may hit or restrain a baby if the baby interacts with its own body in a way that the mother (or father) feels is unacceptable. You can see how this will set up early associative conditioning between sexuality and pain in very early infancy. A person rarely has easy recall of such experiences.

Add to this the problem of more than 1 in 3 children being sexually abused before the age of 18; then add the sex-negative programming of.a quasi-religious culture; then add things like circumcision; media programming and numerous repressed pre-verbal experiences and we have a maze of conditioning experiences, few of which we consciously recollect.

You could look at the themes and scenarios that occur regularly in your porn use, and you may be able to potentially determine ways in which you were yourself abused by our culture. However, this requires significant self-insight and a determination to be free of conditioning. Most survivors choose to repress these experiences and simply to re-enact them through consumption of images in which they regain a sense of control over the original triggering experience.

Of course, the survivor will often deny this (as I once did).

The difficulty with subconscious material is that it is exactly that, subconscious, we are simply not aware of it. Digging into your past will bring good long-term results, but I can understand why it feels less challenging to adopt the mainstream view that pornography is simply entertainment. It was a view I held myself until I decided to go back and connect with the kid I once was.

I wish you insight and peace.