This was a very reflective introspective self-analysis. It takes a lot of experience and wisdom to do so realistically. Thanks for sharing.
It is not easy to know the weak points in your own existence so well and to work towards integrating them into your life in such a way that you do not commit self-denial.
Even with a trained and experienced knowledge about the basic rules of life, it is not enough. I buy it from the Buddhists without further ado and find it extremely wise that they are spreading such a conclusive teaching of the Trinity.
We already know the Dharma quite well, but then it is difficult to keep (or even begin to do so) the practice of meditation, and to cultivate a spiritual exchange with people who have a true interest in the value of the maintenance of knowledge in the sense that one talks about the teachings, interpretations, errors, debates. I as a Westerner, on the other hand, am untrained in this kind of thing and usually exchange opinions, or I want to complain and pass on the world's pain to others or stroke my ego - I realize that, when others pass theirs towards me, cause I get frustrated or impatient. The adulation you also spoke of.
I think, however, that I am a quite realistic and clear-thinking person and the experience of life has not made me bitter.
I see some things in common and would say that I definitely lack the "Sangha" and the practice of meditation. Such a retreat experience as you described I would probably not endure to the end.
However, I have the impression that you consider a monastic life and what you associate with it too much as an escape. I think that life on this planet is as it is and empathy and patience with what we are dealing with is essential. The world can only be changed by myself. But you already know that.
It helped me give birth to a child. This is probably the most existential experience I've ever had and it earths me, keeps me on the ground, just like raising a child.
I would be interested in details of your life where you describe experiences that tell a story either at the moment of their creation or in the retrospective. You already have a long life.
Maybe this is going to lead to help aversion and what else you want to work on. Say; the indirect way to deal with it.
Thank you for reminding me that I cannot change the world, only my viewpoint of it. The cosmos contains both good and bad in equal amounts. Energy flows where the mind goes and if we only look for the bad that is what we'll find.
On the other hand, this involves judgement, which I actively try to avoid and yet it's hard to be neutral when confronted with the destruction of the natural world of which I am so enamored and the delusional nature of those who could easily alter that course were it not for all-consuming self-interest.
I was a chiropractor because I wanted to help people learn to deal with their pain, to teach them how to take care of themselves. I quit after 16 years of practice because people just wanted me to fix them the way they go to a mechanic to get their car fixed. I tried to inform them that the body doesn't work that way, that you have to eat right, keep fit and most importantly, stop abusing it. A few responded and their health improved. The vast majority wouldn't or couldn't or weren't interested in exchanging their bad habits for good ones. While my colleagues made lots of money over-treating patients instead of educating them, my entire motivation was to help my patients, not cater to their ills for profit. My general opinion of people suffered greatly from that experience.
Here I am on Steemit trying to do the same thing. I want people to think for themselves, to evolve, to develop critical thinking skills, to reject being enslaved, but people want to feel good about their delusions, not overcome them. They want to see pictures of beautiful sunsets, of kittens and cupcakes and learn better ways to clean their frying pans, trivial stuff that keeps their minds cluttered and closed and focused on inanity.
I certainly can write about that tripe, but I have little motivation to do so. It's very frustrating.
In the end, this desolate outward quest to inform has taught me that perhaps the monastic life of quiet self-contemplation in quietude is the only journey worth undertaking; that all I can do is to let it all go and feel compassion for the mentally blind and this beautiful planet as it quietly dies under their weight.
It makes me wonder, though, why I was given this gift of communication if it is to fall only on deaf ears. I suppose in the big picture none of this matters a whit. Thanks for this opportunity to vent.