Thanks for sharing that @onceuponatime... reflects a lot of a long personal journey.
I grew up with a father who was a highly expressive rageaholic, which meant that I learned that anger "looks like" shouting, screaming and throwing and breaking things. The "unhealthy expression," which was quite frightening. So I rationalized my "not wanting to be like him" by internalizing and suppressing all anger... and (in essence) not experiencing it, in ANY way; having no model for healthy experience.
It was actually one of my mentors and spiritual teachers who first bought up "unexperienced emotions" for me (after some years of therapy taught me a more healthy form of anger) as I learned how to become "the observer" and made myself more at home with the concept of nonduality.
(for it is their outer expression which needs to be restrained and not the emotions themselves)
In particular resonates for its truth... anger can be a very use emotion which, when experienced and processed appropriately, can be a superb catalyst for change... for what IS anger but a reminder from our essential self that "something" is different from how we feel that "something" should actually be.
Appreciate the input, as always!
I also had a rage-aholic father who suppressed his frustration and anger from the business world for weeks or months before releasing it from time to time by beating my siblings and myself.
Consequently I had suppressed rage that I took out on myself for a long time (became a raging drug addict). Fortunately, I eventually found my way into a few years of mens groups and then many emotional release intensives. In the intensives, we did give expression to our negative emotions, but in a very controlled, contained, and safe atmosphere.
In one intensive it was jaw droppingly amazing to see a tiny German woman, who had been repeatedly raped by her grandfather from the age of 2 onwards after the War, push back and almost bowl over a group of 10 volunteers surrounding her with pillows as she let go.
I don't think that I bottle up negative emotion so much any more. I also don't think that I give (unconscious) expression to it. Or maybe I'm just getting old :-)