I'll be the first to admit that it gets a bit tedious to be around someone who's eternally mopey and complaining about everything, but I also have to say that I find "excessively positive" people a bit on the annoying side.
Perhaps you know the type...
Like a friend of mine from many years ago who somehow felt that everything she ever encountered was "an opportunity."
A tax audit (bummer) was "an opportunity to learn ways to improve bookkeeping." When she fell and broke her leg on the first day of a 2-week ski vacation it was "an opportunity to experience what it feels like to be disabled."
There were never any problems in her life.
Avoiding Reality?
Nasturtium
Whenever I feel the inclination to become critical, I tend to pause to consider what exactly bothers me about certain behaviors.
In this case, it's my interpretation that some people are living in a state of "cognitive disconnect" from what is real. Some things in life do authentically suck... and whereas I can admire the effort to not be dragged down by setbacks, claiming that inherently bad things are somehow "good" or "opportunities" seems a bit disingenuous to me.
Seems more realistic to fully accept that something bad happened, and then navigate the situation in a "make the best of it" way.
Unexperienced Emotions
Thinking about my former friend this morning got me to thinking about the concept of "unexperienced emotions." Some psychologists would argue that no such thing is possible, but I'm not so sure.
Red fall leaves
The Human psyche is very "clever" and employs all manners of tricks to help us survive traumatic and difficult situations. Psychologists only understand a small fragment of what's going on in our brains... and most often, when we talk about unexperienced emotions, we're talking about severe trauma; we're talking about the brain "blocking out" something that's too horrible to look at, directly... as a coping mechanism.
Here, we are talking about something far milder... perhaps some kind of fear of having a negative emotion.
When we deal with Post Traumatic Stress (PTSD) it usually concerns some truly horrible situation... but in recent years, it has become more accepted that PTSD can also arise from a long sequence of small negatives... often called "Complex PTSD."
Maybe what seems like an addiction to "not feeling anything negative" is a similar type of response, developed over a long period of time.
Why Do I Even Care?
Last flowers of the fall...
What got me to ultimately sit down and type this out was the additional memory that "M"-- in spite of all her positivity-- wasn't actually a happy person. She definitely had a lot of initial magnetism, but it covered something more troubled.
It also bothers me from the perspective that the whole "positive thinking" movement might be a little misguided... and possibly psychologically damaging in the sense that it often asks us to "lie" about how we're really feeling.
Saying "Everything is awesome and I am having a perfect day!" when you just had someone run into your car and you're going to miss an important meeting doesn't actually work because our inner body wisdom knows we're lying.
So why not just have an "Authentic Thinking" movement, instead? Accept what you're feeling and experiencing-- good, bad or indifferent-- but don't fall into a pattern of dwelling on it, eternally. Or lying about it.
What's YOUR Experience? Do you consider yourself a positive person? Do you know anyone who seems "excessively peppy?" How do you feel when you're around that person? Do they seem sincere, or a little over the top? What's your opinion of the whole "think positive" issue? Do you think it genuinely helps people... or is it just mental trickery? Leave a comment-- share your experiences-- be part of the conversation!
(As usual, all text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is original content, created expressly for Steemit)
Created at 171119 15:12 PDT
To not give "expression" to negative emotions, a positive work method in my view, is not the same as not feeling them.
Jean Vaysse writes:
"There is, however, one area in which a man who wishes to observe himself runs no risk. He can engage in a struggle with emotional habits that will show him a whole side of his habitual emotional functioning - this struggle is the attempt not to express unpleasant emotions. He who observes himself very soon notices that he is unable to observe anything impartially; this is particularly true for what he sees in himself, but also for what he sees outside himself. About every single thing, he has a personal 'feeling': 'I don't care,' 'I like it,' or 'I dislike it.' But whereas he can easily refrain from expressing his agreement or indifference, it is almost impossible for him not to express his disaproval in one way or another. This easily becomes a habit and is often even taken as a sign of sincerity. The negative impression received in such a case is expressed in some form of violence, contentiousness or depression - anger, jealousy, fault-finding, suspicion, worry, fear, self-pity, and so on. In all these forms some expression of personal negativity replaces the simple expression which flows from just noting the facts as they are. These forms bear witness to my inability to keep my personal grievances to myself and to a tendency to let them gush out over my surroundings so as not 'to feel alone' - to make others share them and to try to get rid of them in that way. This is both a sign of my own weakness, my incapacity to accept myself and things as they are, and an enormous and useless waste of energy which I impose also on those near me in a chain reaction which spreads and multiplies the negativity. Now this is one of the few emotional processes which can be cut short without risk of harmful consequences. Brought to bear on the expression of negative emotions (for it is their outer expression which needs to be restrained and not the emotions themselves), this struggle in no way upsets the inner equilibrium. It only involves the saving of a considerable amount of energy which would have been totally lost if spent externally but which, being saved in this way, can be used for other purposes. At the same time, it allows the observer to discover in himself an entirely new aspect of the emotional process with which he lives.:
Toward Awakening, Jean Vaysse, p. 44, 45
Thanks for sharing that @onceuponatime... reflects a lot of a long personal journey.
I grew up with a father who was a highly expressive rageaholic, which meant that I learned that anger "looks like" shouting, screaming and throwing and breaking things. The "unhealthy expression," which was quite frightening. So I rationalized my "not wanting to be like him" by internalizing and suppressing all anger... and (in essence) not experiencing it, in ANY way; having no model for healthy experience.
It was actually one of my mentors and spiritual teachers who first bought up "unexperienced emotions" for me (after some years of therapy taught me a more healthy form of anger) as I learned how to become "the observer" and made myself more at home with the concept of nonduality.
In particular resonates for its truth... anger can be a very use emotion which, when experienced and processed appropriately, can be a superb catalyst for change... for what IS anger but a reminder from our essential self that "something" is different from how we feel that "something" should actually be.
Appreciate the input, as always!
I also had a rage-aholic father who suppressed his frustration and anger from the business world for weeks or months before releasing it from time to time by beating my siblings and myself.
Consequently I had suppressed rage that I took out on myself for a long time (became a raging drug addict). Fortunately, I eventually found my way into a few years of mens groups and then many emotional release intensives. In the intensives, we did give expression to our negative emotions, but in a very controlled, contained, and safe atmosphere.
In one intensive it was jaw droppingly amazing to see a tiny German woman, who had been repeatedly raped by her grandfather from the age of 2 onwards after the War, push back and almost bowl over a group of 10 volunteers surrounding her with pillows as she let go.
I don't think that I bottle up negative emotion so much any more. I also don't think that I give (unconscious) expression to it. Or maybe I'm just getting old :-)
Happy and peppy reporting in! (or at least that's how I portray myself online :D)
I get into some nasty moods sometimes, but I try to stay on the positive side of the spectrum, and not repeat mistakes. Right now I can say that my life is generally awesome, but I've had a couple of S&#@%%@ days recently. The "tricking" only works if it changes the outcome IMHO, and if that's not the strategy, than it's far closer to being straight up delusional.
I'm usually happy, but that's only because the world needs more positive people sometimes.
Dear @shello, I would never suggest there's anything wrong with being of an authentically sunny and peppy personality... what was in question here is the issue of having a grip on reality... of pretending you don't even want to pause and cry when something really horrible happens. Which some people do... and where it becomes problematic is when their internal "pressure cooker* hits critical mass one day, and they have a wildly inappropriate response to a relatively minor incident... because the incident was merely a trigger to set of the responses to a landslide of previous grievances. Or-- alternately-- a seemingly happy person who's actually clinically depressed.
I remember a woman who lived in the city where I was in the 1990s... she was this eternally sunny and peppy person always helping people, part of every benefit club and society around. And then, one day, she was found sitting in her bedroom, having blown the top of her head off with one of her husband's shotguns. Gruesome, I know... but casts this shadow over what lies below the surface of "perpetually sunny."
Hello @denmarkguy,
I agree that there's nothing wrong with being happy and showing it. I think you said it blunty that people don't express themselves properly, getting caught up with how they appear to others. Extreme in either direction is not the preferred choice here, and when you are hurting, it's okay to show it.
Unless it compromises your motives or something.
That's the sad and harsh truth; everyone has demons, and things that make them have a bad day, but it's only up to the person if they want to have a bad life because of it. I'm not shocked that happened, as much as what kind of internal struggle was so bad that it couldn't be helped by others, or at least be talked about in the open.
Eyes are literally windows, no matter what you show, the inside at some point will seep out, if not your sanity.
Cheers!
shello
Hey denmarkguy , nice to see a post like this , mostly because I know exactly what you mean , and you summed it up quite nicely.
I remember a while back a 'positive' person made a post about negative people and I had to reply because it seemed this person , I think anyway , was trying to point out the importance of positive thinking and a positive attitude , which I don't disagree with and in the end yeah sometimes it is important to have a positive outlook / attitude. But in the end the post seemed to push positive thinking so much as to suggest that the negative didn't exist (Avoiding Reality ... check) ....
Honestly I think it may be even a bit delusional to try and force oneself to be positive all the time. I would suggest that life / nature / reality is made up of both positive and negative ... and if you decide to pretend one side doesn't exist ...you would be only be seeing half (or part) of reality.
And to answer your question ... I would say more along the lines of mental trickery due to said person not being able to deal with the negative ... is that good or bad ... I guess it really depends on the situation.
Which is where people go over the edge into a state of UN-reality, in my perception.
I did a lot of reading on the whole "positive affirmations" idea, some years back... and whereas these practices can work to a degree they ultimately collide with our own "inner wisdom." Regardless of what we may tell ourselves, we have the wisdom to know when something is "positive" and "negative." Looking in the mirror and telling yourself "it's a perfect day!" when your dog just died? There's a cognitive disconnect from reality there... and it'll most likely catch up with you at some inopportune moment.
Hey, thanks for pointing this out! And I thought I was the only one!
Yeah, there are negative people around, but I'm taught that people are just as resourceful as the states they are in.
However, for those who exude false sense of positivity, that can kill too! Sometimes when people like that affects me, I too reevaluate if I was the one being negative. After all, if positivity and negativity are on a scale, wouldn't I be less positive (or more negative) than that person.
Interesting that you said former, because over time, I distant and even unfriended them on social media.
Reminds me of Kenneth the Paige from 30 Rock.
I know the term "finding balance" is probably overused... that said, I don't think being too extremely one way or the other is healthy, in the long run. Especially if it's an artificial construct designed to gloss over deeper problems we're avoiding taking a look at.
I guess I just get tired of the lack of sincerity/authenticity over time... and if that means unfriending someone, so be it.
Same here man. My mom told me before that, as we grow older, we have lesser friends. But those are rock-solid quality friends. I guess I'm slowing living her lesson, haha.
I think you hit something on the nail head. I my self try to be a positive thinker. Although I do allow a time depending on the degree of negitivity endured. Like eminent life with out the one you married not due to death. After 18 year he just says its over. Sad confused and many other feeling for about two weeks did the trick. I then found myself thinking of what I could do on my own with three children. Life must go on with or without. Love to you
Wow, that's pretty impressive @abbijulie... and it sounds like a pretty healthy approach, too... you allowed yourself to grieve (and 18 years! Yeah, you totally have earned the right to feel hurt...) but life continues. Wishing you sunnier skies ahead!
Oh thanks that was some twenty years ago yet a lesson to cut down on stress which can kill. I have to much to live for so less stress. Love yourself do not fault others have fun life is wonderfully disappointing yet the question is "Do I want to live happy or not?".
It seems to be a fundamental reality of life and being human that people will disappoint us... so the real challenge becomes to simple accept that, and figure out how to live full and happy lives, regardless.
Go for it I will
Excellent post my friend.
And I totally agree. While I'm am optimist By nature, I am also REALIST.
Good thing happen - and shit things happen. It's called life.
I wonder if the 'eternally positive ' person is actually levelling out the emotional range in their lives?
Almost like an emotional regulator, where the two extremes are areas their own minds are not comfortable in....?
(just a thought that crossed my mind while reading your post, and might be total BS - but never thought about it that way before...)
Yup, shit things DO happen. And a shit sandwich doesn't become a cream puff, just because you keep calling it one. It's still a shit sandwich.
You raise a really interesting point there... specifically, I don't remember "M" celebrating her successes. It was more like she took them for granted... like "that's how it's supposed to be." Gonna have to go away and think a bit more about that...
yeah, it was a new thought that just came to me...interesting though....
I worked with someone like your ex-friend M. I could only take her in small doses. A 12 hour shift would drive me bonkers. On the other end of the spectrum I had another co-worker who was Mr. Negative. I never heard a positive word being uttered from his lips for 25 years. Both these people had to have been extremely unhappy in their lives. Both were escaping from a reality of some form. I am usually positive but i do have times when I am not and I think it balance out over time.
Well, and I think you make a valid point there... anything that feels extreme or excessive usually is unbalanced in some way. And usually the imbalance has to do with covering up something people don't want to look at...
My experience with most of the people had been different and one cannot categorize them as positive or negative but rather different - one kind was people who were exaggerating things both positive and negative and the other who were anxious about everything and i know still its a perceived notion because as situation changes and time passes by every individual goes from one type to another. So typecasting is stereotype, one can hardly define general attributes to a personality in the present scenario.
Naturally, we are all different, emotionally... and some people swing on a more extreme range than others. It does give me cause to pause and wonder, though, when a person never experiences anything negatively, even things that are-- factually-- extremely negative.
I am with you on that point and makes me wonder too, but i would like to extend it and relate this thing to equilibrium in chemistry Absolute Reality = Distill water 7 Ph
Slightly Positive Reality or Slightly Negative Reality = Drinking water 6.5 to 8.5
Extremists = Pure acid or bases 0 to 14 = Unbearable
Accepting thing as they are is simple because naturally when we were children sad meant crying and good meant laughing and as we grow up and as you mentioned it "positive thinking" movement, it occurred to me that these movements preconditioned some people's minds to think in a way they were not naturally meant to and lie to themselves and every extremism is due to these conditioning of mind which on a small scale we observe around us in relationships and at a larger scale we see as arduous religious followers and fanatics.
Interesting analogy with the Ph.
The thing that always gives me pause for thought when it comes to fanatics and extremists is the way they inevitably can not entertain even the possibility that a version of life other than their can even exist. And so, extremism begets violence, of not actual physical violence, at least emotional and psychological violence.
Particularly I consider myself a positive person, although not exaggeratedly positive, I try to be as objective and realistic as possible. Although I do not criticize, I do not approve of the excess of positivism; the reason: being positive can never be "something bad", otherwise if you are negative; no way.
I suppose I would mostly rate myself as a "positive realist." When something happens, I try to see how we can create a positive ending... but I accept what is actually there, even if it's not very good.
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