So I had this idea of writing my stream of consciousness down, not only for myself, but also for others to see. I love writing stream of consciousness, it clears my heart and mind. I have been doing it a lot for already a year, and recently started letting it read to (if my English is not perfect, that's because I'm Dutch, luckily most people love my 'adorable mistakes') a lover of mine. He's the most safe person I ever met. I can use his name here. Jordan. We're such a good match. I feel compelled to be more vulnerable with him every time. I want him to know all of me, and he wants to know all of me. And he accepts all of me. And so I let him read my stream of consciousness in which I write down every uncensored thought that pops up in my mind. I decided to take it a step further, let's post it on the internet. Every thought? Not really to be honest, because my mind can be crazy town, 8 thought might pop up at the same time, and I'm not able to write them down all at once. If I smoke marijuana it gets even worse :3 I love marijuana. If I travel to Germany in a few weeks, I hope to find a weed connection there. I'll just ask some hippie looking people on the street :) Can I write this on the internet? Really? This might even be used against me by police ha ha. Ooh well, it's just fiction ;) No it's not. Okay. Let it go. It will be fine. Peter doesn't lock his house because he says his vibration is too high to match that of thieves. How awesome. I hope my vibration is too high for all of what I'm going to write down here to ever be held against me in any way. Yes. Back to some issue of mine of this moment: do I allow other people to post photo's and video's of me on facebook which I perceive as ... how to say this? Well, Peter just posted a videoclip in which I'm singing with two friends, and I watch it back and it just really seems as if I'm the only person in that company not being able to sing in tune. Yes that's me, the girl who fucks up the song. He posted it, not asking me, and now I feel shame. Honestly, when I saw he had posted it - twenty hours ago, already many people whom I care about have seen it - I first decided to not freak out before I had even watched it. Then I watched myself, hearing myself sing all these missing notes, and I notice my body getting warm and sweaty, just from watching that. I can even feel ashamed of feeling ashamed. So much stuff comes up. My mind wanting to solve the problem: can I untag myself from this? Can I delete this from my personal timeline? Yes I can. Actually. But do I really want to? Do I want to be a part of that whole Facebook culture in which people only show their best sides, sometimes even photo shopped, and are not authentic? Next challenge: Peter has made some cute pictures of me when I was swimming and sitting in the sun naked. It's beautiful pictures at the Oak Creek here in Sedona with the red Cathedral Rock in the background. He asks in a private message: Can I post these? - Uhmmmm..... can you post naked pictures on Facebook? Do I want to go there? But even more apparant, I like how I look in most pictures, just the first one I think... doesn't make me look beautiful. Not enough femine curves. How can my body in the picture not have enough feminine curves? I AM female. There's nothing not feminine about me. And yet I don't like how rectangular my torso looks, I don't like how big my ass looks. Can I ask him to post the other ones (because yes, I do like to break the taboo on being naked on facebook pictues) and not the first one because I don't like how I look on that picture? Yes I can. Do I want to? Not sure. Because I want to accept all of me, and I want to not care, and I want to be authentic, and ... shit. My mind seems to kind of freeze here. At the same time I also have make a decision on joining - hey it's 3:33 pm, lovely! - Peter to the chapel or not this afternoon. So I do have to message him. But I haven't made a choice yet. Choices. I fucking hate choices. And yet I'm so grateful for my free will and freedom to make choices in life. Oh how packed is life with ambiguities! I wonder by the way about this stream of consciousness being effected by the fact that I do know there's a possible audience. I notice myself explaining a little bit more. My thoughts do become more stream lined than normal. I might loosen up more later. For now it's still authentic, this is just what happens in my mind, I'm not trying anything. Shit I should message Peter but instead I started writing this stream of consciousness. Sometimes when my mind is very full and kind of freezes, writing stream of consciousness feels like a therapy. Let if flow out of the mind and onto the paper. Screen. Lol. Usually when I write lol, it's just a thought in my mind, I don't really laugh out loud. But it's funny because the world lol in Dutch means 'fun'. It makes sense. I can remember noticing people using LOL for laughing out loud for the first time when I was using chat rooms when I was about 12 years old. I'm now 22. I don't do chat rooms anymore. Ha ha. It was a weird experience, just me - shit I hate how I have this audience in the back of my mind. I honestly just had the thought: Hey I'm drifting off writing about memories and I'm not sure if 'they' will be interested in that. Apparently I care. But I don't want to care, because the whole point of this stream of consciousness (let's abbreviate from now on: SoC) is to be uncensored and authentic. I do not censor though. And I don't try to be someone else. Or do I? At least I seem to try to make this post interesting to people reading it. That's sweet of me :3 But I might miss the point by doing so. Hmmmm feels like I'm not going to solve this now. Einstein said: You can't solve a problem on the same level as it was created. I have to pee. But I first want to finish the post. Or maybe this indicated that it's a good time to end. Well I do hope it's fun to read. And at the same time, I hope to be me, and attract only those who like reading it. I do hope to encourage people to be more vulnerable and authentic. And as Ghandi says: Change the world, start with yourself. Bye!
<3 Els