We were sitting in the psychologist’s room with blank expressions on our faces. This was not what we were expecting to hear, she was here for school readiness assessments…

This was our first introduction to Selective Mutism. Our little girl was diagnosed with Selective Mutism. The psychologist explained it as a social phobia that prevents children speaking in certain social or public situations such as school.

Of course we’ve noticed her unwillingness to speak when we dropped her off at pre-school, when classmates greeted her and she looked the other way, when she was asked a question by her teacher and she froze, but we thought it was just a reluctance to speak up due to shyness. She is a quiet, introvert child so, I mean, it’s normal! All children go through these phases! She’ll warm up soon! Or so we thought.

Dr Jones says children affected don’t have any physical difficulty speaking; they are able to speak easily and freely in environments where they feel at ease, like at home, but in situations where they feel anxious and uncomfortable, they can’t speak at all.

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Imagine you are afraid of spiders…now imagine having to pick up a tarantula!!

The expectation of talking to others triggers a freeze response with feelings of panic, which can ultimately lead to extreme forms of anxiety disorder.

It’s like a cycle:

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Coming to think of it now, what the doctor said makes sense. Her refusal to speak when we are with friends, the tummy ache and nausea she gets every morning when we drop her off at school or sometimes when we tuck her in at night… Dr Jones says some kids experience more physical symptoms such as vomiting, joint pains, headaches, chest pain and diarrhea.

“It’s her anxiety not her intelligence,” I still hear Dr Jones saying. She is school ready, it is not affecting her intellect at all but on a social level, having to interact with other children and teachers will be challenging. Even sports activities will affect her on a deeper level than normal shyness as Selective Mutism is actually a social anxiety disorder. It usually co-exists with shyness or social anxiety.

But I don’t understand: how did she develop this?

Neither I nor her dad is familiar with this disorder so she couldn’t have inherited it from us. I mean yes, she was born prematurely, could that have triggered the anxiety?

Upon further investigation, I’ve discovered that most children are believed to have inherited genes that may have played a role in predisposing them to anxiety.

So how do we help her?

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1. DO Understand That Selective Mutism Is Not a ‘Choice’
2. DO lay off the Questioning. For children with selective Mutism, speaking is hard. When you see your child clamming up, lay off the questions. Pushing them to speak will only increase their anxiety and reduce the likelihood that they will be able to talk.
3. DO Describe and Praise Their Behaviours. When you see your child becoming anxious in a speaking situation, you can take the pressure off by simply describing what you see your child doing and praising their efforts to participate in activities, whether verbally or nonverbally.
4. DO Give Your Child Time to Speak. Often, adults ask children questions in a rapid-fire format with little breathing room in between. Children experiencing selective mutism often have a delay before speech, so always wait at least five seconds after you ask a child with selective mutism a question to give them a chance to answer.
5. DO Notice Your Own Reaction to Your Child’s Silence. When a parent sees their child freeze or hide when asked a question, it will likely be that parent’s natural, caring response to speak for the child. This may reduce both a parent and child’s anxiety, but it can also prevent the child from overcoming mutism.
6. DON’T Offer Rewards for Something Your Child Can’t Do. Since mutism is not a choice, but rather an inability to speak driven by anxiety, asking your child to speak in exchange for a reward is like offering your artistic spouse a million dollars to complete a calculus question. It comes from a place of kindness, but is rarely helpful.
7. DON’T Try to Understand the ‘Rules’ of a Child with Selective Mutism. Children with selective mutism may speak to one teacher but not the other, their grandmother but not their grandfather, one of four aunts, and so on. Children with selective mutism divide the world into those people, places, and activities in which they speak and those in which they do not. These boundaries are rigid, and trying to understand the why behind your child’s rules may only cause frustration.
8. DON’T Criticize Your Child. This one seems obvious, but criticism can hide in seemingly innocuous phrases. “You spoke so well last week. What’s going on this week?” or “Look how your brother is talking, can you try to be like him?” may not sound overtly critical to parents, but are often experienced as critical by children.
9. DON’T Give Up. Many children with selective mutism never receive appropriate treatment. Many parents who seek help for their children report their own struggles with selective mutism throughout their lives. I applaud those parents who are unwilling to accept that their child should suffer in silence and encourage all parents to persevere in their search for treatment in the face of being repeatedly told, “Your child is just shy.”
   Acknowledgement: Adapted from the work of Dr. Steven Kurtz.
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Treatment:

Behaviour therapy is the main treatment for Selective Mutism.
Read all about it here

What I want the outside world to know

Courtesies such as please, thank you, hello, and goodbye may be some of the most difficult words a child with selective mutism will learn to say. Unfortunately, they are also the words parents often push for the hardest because they don’t want their child to be perceived as being rude. The reality is that these children are anxious, not rude, and most will grow up to be thoughtful, polite adults.
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Conclusion:

So many children today are suffering from Selective Mutism, let’s familiarize ourselves with the disorder and support and love them unconditionally!

Extra reading materials:
Selective mutism
Selective mutism in children
Do's and Don'ts
Selective mutism explanations

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