I read this on the 4th of July but now I feel a need to come back and comment. I discovered masturbation when I was eight. My mom had a massager, and at first I just played with it. Then I discovered that it felt good down below. I didn't have any fantasies, I just realized it made me feel good. I didn't understand what I was doing.

A few years later at the age of 12 I too had a massager I used. But at that point, I felt super guilty about it. I felt addicted to it because I did it almost every day. A that point, I was struggling with religon and felt like God would be ashamed of me. I would stop for a month or so, then go right back to masturbating. I couldn't figure out why I liked it so much.

In junior high, I would listen to sexual stories to masturbate. There was something about the voices and I closed my eyes and visualized that I really liked. I never cared for porn, I'd rather imagine my own fantasies. Then, I'd feel guilty about listening to sexual things and try to force myself to stop.

It was like a cycle. I wondered why it was so easy for guys to admit they masturbate but for girls, it was something to be ashamed of.

Fast forward to high school, I came to terms with my body. I realized that I had needs that no one else was going to give me. Now, when I masturbate I feel like a freaking goddess. I make myself feel great, no regrets, do it how I like it.

I still don't like porn, I love visualizing. Thank you for telling your story. It's the first time I've heard someone speak of their past with masturbation and porn. It's empowering in a way. I can't wait to read your post on transparency :-)