Wow, the whole time I was reading this I was impressed by all the introspection you included in your post -- guilt, wonder, disgust, joy, fear. Maybe it's different for a man, but as a woman I'm constantly aware not only of what I do, but the way I feel about my actions. It's truly a gift, but it can also cause emotional distress. I think this is a big reason, besides societal pressure, why women generally don't masturbate or watch porn as often as men.
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ahhh I love that you brought up all the different emotions that happened through this writing, thats something I wanted to convey is I am human and I felt it all. Yes like you said Feeling about your actions, its a heavy thing. Do ou think women don't masturbate as much? or do you think we just don't talk about it as much?
It could be a bit of both. I personally don't masturbate for multiple reasons, one of the main ones being I enjoy feeling the sexual frustration build and build until I actually engage in partnered sex. But the problem with all the studies I've seen on male/female masturbation rates is that they rely on self-reporting. Women might low-ball their estimates because they don't want to be judged by researchers. They might also not qualify their masturbation as such because they don't always reach orgasm when they do it.
Said studies:
Wow I love that you stated that - Ive tried that a few times too letting the energy build up before I release with an actual partner. and that feels so good as well!
https://steemit.com/porn/@awakealiveaware/what-it-feels-like-having-a-porn-addiction-as-a-woman-pt-2 :) Heres my part 2 if you want to read